Author Archives → Elliot Scott

5 Desperate Things Men Do When They Realize They Lost You.

“A man rarely knows what he has — until you stop giving it to him.”

If you’re finally done with a guy but want to know if you:

  • Got into his head
  • Made him squirm
  • Made him regret everything

Then this article is for you.

There’s a moment in every relationship where the tables turn. The texts slow down—your energy shifts. And without warning, he feels it.

That’s when you start to see his behavior change — not because he suddenly figured out your worth, but because he fears the consequences of losing what he thought would always be there.

In this article, I will break down the five things men instinctively do when they realize they’re losing you — through the lens of psychology, biology, and a little bit of hard-earned wisdom.

If you want my free guide on skyrocketing your value, click here.

Let’s get into it.

They Dangle False Hope

“In the eyes of a man, a confused woman, is a hopeful woman.”

Have you ever talked to a guy who never gave you a straight answer? He’d beat around the bush with comments making you feel like he hears and understands where you’re coming from, but never truly commits or changes.

Have you heard any of these phrases?

  • Let’s see what happens.
  • I’m trying.
  • I like you but (insert excuse).

Or has he done any of the following:

  • Gave you mixed signals?
  • His actions and words don’t align. As in, he will say one thing but do another.
  • He will step up for a bit, then go back to doing the thing you were upset about in the first place.

If that’s the case, you’re talking to a man who wants to confuse you. In this instance, a confused woman likes the guy and wants to give him the benefit of the doubt, but can’t fully grasp what he’s doing or what he’s about because he’s not completely leaning in or out. He’s just drifting along with you.

This is a powerful tactic men use because we know you like us. We know you don’t want to regret your decision. We know you want it to work out. You’re looking for that key component that gives you the clear “yes” or “no.” But you must analyze things again when a guy steps up, gives you mixed signals, and throws you guard with some sweet words.

These men are amazing at giving you hope that he will change and that things will get better and because of this, you stick around. It’s much easier for you to decide if you saw the writing on the wall for what it is. 

It’s better to move on, though. Check out this article, “Why Men Never Commit To Hopeful Women.”

He’s A Front Runner

What is a Front Runner?

A front runner is someone who changes/adapts long enough to get the outcome that they want. They are full throttle until they have you hooked. Then they go back to how they originally were.

If you have told a guy a concern or problem you’re having in the relationship and he said he will change and did for about two weeks before going back to his old ways, you’re man is a front runner. 

He keeps going back to this simple habit loop:

Why does he though? 

You could list the typical response we have when trying to fix habits:

  • The changes are too big
  • There wasn’t a clear reward to replace the previous one

But I think it’s deeper than that. I personally think:

  • He doesn’t care as much.
  • It’s easy to do this instead of worrying about your feelings.
  • He doesn’t value the relationship.

If you have to correct a guy multiple times ON SOMETHING THAT IS BOTHERING YOU, he’s not your guy, and it’s time to move on.

The Ultimate Gaslighter

Ah my favorite, the gaslighter. These men argue to win not to solve problems. Sadly, I know many of you are being gaslit and don’t even realize it. I can’t tell you how many client stories I hear where they’re getting gaslit and don’t even know it’s happening.

One of men’s best tactics is combining multiple things in this article to support their gaslighting you at the end.

For example, you’re talking to a guy who says he will change but doesn’t (tactic one) then he will front run and go back to his normal way (tactic two). When you realize it and ain’t having it and pull away, he will confront you and say: 

“You’re the one who pulled away and said you’re done. I never leave, it’s always you. You saw I tried, yet it’s never good enough for you.”

His tactic will look something like this:

It’s much easier for him to gaslight you and make you seem crazy for leaving if he makes minimal attempts that he can point back at to use as evidence for you being in the wrong.

Please don’t fall for this ladies. It’s crazy that you have to ask men to do the bare minimum to maintain a relationship.

He “Steps” Up

This is probably the only good thing a man can do when you’re done and pulling away. That is a man stepping up.

Stepping up is like another response system we have to threat. We all know of the “fight or flight” response. I feel that men also have this response when it comes to dating and mating.

For example, Mate Value Discreprency refers to whether one person is seen as more desirable (more attractive, higher status, more resources, etc.) than the other, there’s a mate value gap — or discrepancy.

Based on this gap several things will happen. If you’re the higher of the two you may:

  • Start looking elsewhere
  • Be more likely to cheat
  • Second-guess the relationship
  • Demand more out of the person

However, if you’re the lower number, you have this fight-or-flight response on handling the situation to close the gap. While there are many things you can do, the two I want to touch on are:

  • You can be territorial and push other men away/use tactics to keep her
  • Step the f*** up 

If you step up and follow through, that is ultimately the best way to close the gap and make the person feel better about being in the relationship.

Check out this article: “3 Things That Make Men Commit Despite Mother Nature Making Us Non-Monogamous.”

He Moves It To Friendship

You’d think this isn’t a bad idea from the guy. Hell, you may feel yourself this is the best thing for you two do because while you care for him, you’re not good as a couple.

This is the worst thing you can do. 

Hear me out, I am not saying you can’t be friend with your ex. You absolutely can. Don’t be too quick to friendzone yourself unless you know what he’s trying to work up behind the curtains.

I know a lot of men who decide to be friends for the sole reason of still having contact with her to deploy their true intentions. You must remember that a man can’t perform his “act” unless he’s in proximity. He can’t get any benefits if you’re away.

If he can’t fix these little things you’re asking to keep the relationship alive, why would he care about what you want as a friend? He may act like he does (front running), but I see a man still has contact with you but doesn’t have to pay the cost of a relationship.

And guess what? He’s hoping that you’ll cave and sleep with him while being in your proximity. 

I may be a cynic but I see this ALL THE TIME. Don’t be friends if a guy can’t change to make the relationship work. 

Why It Kills A Man When You Move On (Even If He’s The One Who Left)

“Men never realize how good they have it until they see another man benefiting from what he once had.”

If you’re wondering why men always come back after you finally move on, you’re not alone. It’s probably one of the most common questions I get from my clients.

My clients would try so hard to make something work with the guy only for him to take everything for granted. Then she leaves. She’s fed up with all the crap. She’s moving on, going out, trying to date again, and going about her day.

Suddenly, a month later, she gets a text from her ex saying how much he misses her or a simple, “Hey,” as if nothing ever happened.

Wtf?

In this article, I will break down exactly why men always come back when you finally move on.

Why He Left In The First Place Is Critical

When a man leaves a woman, it’s not a decision he made overnight. It’s something he thought about for a while (yes, even when he was treating you well and things were okay). 

Here is why I say that:

When a man decides to leave, there is a reason and usually that comes down to him weighing the pros and cons of that decision. We are risk-avoidant creatures. We don’t just make irrational decisions as our default way of thinking. 

That means from the moment you two started talking to the present, he’s analyzing all the ups and downs of the relationship and asking himself specific questions:

  • Are the assets worth the cost?
  • Can I get better?
  • Do we want the same thing?
  • Is this sustainable?
  • Did it turn out like I wanted?

If these answers are not in his favor, he will create a narrative in his head that justifies leaving so it doesn’t feel like a decision he will regret. I call this the “evidence” someone gathers to justify their decision to leave and find a better situation. 

So why is this important?

Because if you never move on he will never regret his decision. How can he regret anything if there is no consequence for his poor decision-making, because you’re too weak to move on from a guy unsure about you?

More on this in a bit.

Men Are Wired To Conquer More Than Commit

It’s when a woman starts to move on that the grieving process for a man can start. Does that mean he will always grieve? No. But it must happen for him to feel anything.

Now the thing is, just because he’s doing his own thing and not committing doesn’t mean he can’t regret his decision. Remember how I said he created a narrative in his head about moving on? Well, one of those things that helps him decide is the downside of the decision.

When start taking you for granted, there is a reason. You’re showing him the “evidence” that even if he did pull away and make the wrong decision, he can bounce back and get is spot in line as if he never decided to begin with.

This means if you did any of the following, you’re telling his brain that it’s not that risky for him to leave:

  • Give him more chances than he deserves.
  • Let him come back after pulling this crap before.
  • You’re the one making more effort than him.
  • You’re giving him boyfriend benefits when he’s not your boyfriend.
  • He’s not initiating or courting you.
  • You’re “exclusive” but not official.

If all this is true, than the “conquer not commit” mindset will come into play. This is where a man will win you over just enough to have you attached but never commit. If a woman falls for this and sticks around, she loses.

However, if you pull away, don’t let him back in, start getting back on the apps, and so on, he’s going to realize, “Oh shit, maybe I did lose her.”

Reflecting Causes Regretting

For a man to regret, he has to reflect. He has to replace the old evidence where he’s convinced he has you with the new evidence you’re providing him which shows that’s not the case.

The thing with regret is that it has two components:

  • He must feel it’s self-inflicted and have self-blame.
  • He must feel that based on his decision, he’s in a worse situation than he was with you.

Only then can we get a man to reflect and realize he’s an idiot. This is because it goes against his narrative.

“Oh I am going to try to have my cake and eat it too. I like her but I am unsure about a relationship so I will entertain her and look elsewhere. Worse case scenario, I’ll just come back.”

He’s banking on the fact that you’re hopeful he will return. Come to find out, you’re not on a damn leash and you’re not waiting for any man. Once you throw that wrench into his gameplan, he starts to freak.

You’re the one who ended it. Even if he didn’t like you, he still wanted to be able to come and go with access to your assets. But now that you cut him off and his competition can get them, he’s pissed.

Personally, I would never take this type of man back. I feel once they do this there is no changing them. They’ll use you as an insurance policy until the next thing comes along. 

5 Crazy Things Men Do When They’re In Love With You

“It’s much easier to tell if a guy loves you versus likes you because of the depths men go to secure a future with you.”

When a man likes a woman, he entertains her. When he loves a woman, he secures her.

You’ll see a common trend in all five things men do when falling for you. It’s like our brain chemistry changes, and we focus on reducing risk as much as possible and proving that we see you long-term.

One: He Makes This One Specific Sacrifice

I always tell my clients that you can tell if a guy is serious about you because he comes up with solutions instead of excuses. As soon as you hear men giving you reasons why they can’t see you, can’t invest, can’t commit, and so on, you have a problem.

The reason is we are risk-avoidant by nature. If I have a woman that I like who is trying to meet me halfway on things and willing to come up with solutions to make things work, why am I not on board? Isn’t that the best thing to do to keep things afloat and moving?

The only reason he wouldn’t is uncertainty. However, if you’re talking to a guy who loves you, he makes sacrifices.

Sacrifices are the ultimate sign that someone is falling for you. When I say sacrifices, I am specifically talking about things that are at the person’s expense but for the greater good.

For example:

  • “I have a huge paying client who wants to meet and talk business that will definitely change my business around, but I promised my son that I will be at his soccer game, so I am going to his game.”
  • “I really want to go to this event I’ve waited months for, but my girlfriend’s anxiety is through the roof, and is going through a rough time. I am going to support my girlfriend.”

These are extremely big “asks” of someone, and that’s why it’s a great sign. Unless there is tremendous upside, we are designed to avoid such risk from an evolutionary perspective. The only upside in these cases is that you see your two’s relationship as something bigger than anything you currently desire.

Two: He Obsesses Over You In This Particular Way

When we talk about obsession, we think of it as infatuation. In this sense, men obsess over futureproofing the relationship.

He does this in two ways:

  • He gives you the “future test”
  • He thinks of ways to secure further what you two have.

The future test is when a man has scenarios in his head and he makes you the main character in those scenarios and sees how it plays out. Some of these test include:

  • How you act in certain situations.
  • How would you act around the family, and how will they act around you.
  • Sunday mornings.
  • Growing old together.
  • Being there for him when he needs you.
  • How you handle being a mother to his children.
  • Traveling together.

If a man is not thinking about these things, he won’t see you in the long term. However, if he is, he’s going to find ways to secure you long-term:

  • Am I making my intentions clear that I want her?
  • Am I communicating well and transparently?
  • Are her needs met?
  • Are we happy?
  • What are the roadblocks, if any?

Many men will do this subconsciously but as a woman, you will know because you’re talking to a consistent man, a good communicator, transparent, doesn’t play games, and courts you. He doesn’t want to leave anything up to risk.

Three: He Truly Acts Like Himself

Every man’s dream: He can truly be himself.

You can tell a guy is starting to fall for you when the wall comes down:

  • You see him cry.
  • He’s opening up and more vulnerable.
  • You become his best friend.
  • He treats you differently than everyone else.
  • You’re more of a team. “You and I” becomes “We.”

He’s not afraid of being goofy around you. He’s also not afraid of judgment. He feels safe around you. You see his flaws. He shares with you disagreeable opinions. And that’s ok.

So many of my clients talk about a man making her feel safe and protected. The way you do that for him is a lack of judgment. You don’t alter your view of masculinity based on what he does and says. You love him for who he is.

This may also be part of the “future test” we discussed in the previous point. No man will ever commit to a woman he can’t be his authentic self around. While I don’t think men play many games like women think (it’s just a lack of attraction if so), this is one of the few games men play.

Four: He Connects With You Sexually

If you follow any of my material, you know how I feel about men and their view on sex. From an evolutionary perspective, men love to spread their seeds like gardeners.

Men look at sex as something fun and playful. They love the thrill of the chase. Our hormones in our body are designed to release a lot of dopamine during sex, and then once it’s flushed out, we feel this deep dive in desire that tells us to back off. This is designed to ensure men spread their seed to as many women as possible to secure offspring.

When a man is in love with a woman, he aims to build a connection. He may be rough with you, but he also wants to make love. Your needs far exceed his and he becomes a complete giver.

I remember the one and only woman I loved. When we would have sex, my ONLY goal was making sure she climaxed multiple times before even worrying about how I was feeling. It didn’t matter to me how I felt. I felt good only if she felt good.

The cuddles after sex were just as good as the act itself.

Five: He Tries To Thread You Into His Life

With all this being said, it wouldn’t come to the right conclusion unless a man actually threaded you more into his life to secure you long-term.

For all you ladies out there:

This means if you’re talking to a guy who won’t commit to you but says he’s in love with you, he’s a f***ing liar lol.

I don’t care what excuses he gives you.

Besides committing (the most important thing), other things men do to secure you long-term are:

  • Introduce you to his friends and family.
  • Makes a decision switch in your mind.
  • Make you a part of his life.
  • Move in together.
  • Heavily invest in you one of the following: time, energy, effort, money.
  • Asks for your input on big decisions.
  • Uses “we” instead of “I.”

You get the idea.

There is an essential four-step process people go through to secure someone long-term:

I know that sounds like common sense, but you’d be surprised on how many people don’t realize this, get stuck somewhere, or feel the guy loves her when they haven’t completed the process.

You must do all four steps and you must do them in this order.

The Dark Psychology Of Men After Sex

Ever wondered why some men seem emotionally available before sex, but emotionally unavailable right after?

We are going to explain why that’s the case.

Once you understand how the male brain works with sex, you’re going to be shocked on how men operate and why they do the dumb things they do.

Let’s jump into it.

**If you want a free guide maximizing your value, click here.**

First, Does When You Have Sex Really Matter?

I don’t think that when you have sex is a strong determining factor on whether a man is going to commit or not. It’s not on a man’s “chopping block” for reasons he wouldn’t commit.

That doesn’t mean you should have sex early on. While it’s not a determining factor in terms of commitment, it still has power over other factors:

  • Power dynamics
  • Courtship
  • Value
  • Scaricty
  • Taking you for granted
  • Many other things

I always believed that if a man wants a relationship with you, is truly emotionally available, and ready for commitment, sex is just a stepping stone. It’s something that brings us closer to our mutual goal of a relationship. 

However, if a man already didn’t want a relationship with you, I could understand where you feel hooking up early might have ruined your chances because he started to “change” after being intimate.

That’s not the case. Don’t worry. Whether you held out or not, you would still get the same outcome (if he wasn’t on the same page).

I don’t ever want to tell women when to have sex because that’s ultimately up to you. However, I know a lot of women want a definite number of dates to at least gauge when. If I had to give you a number, I wouldn’t sleep with a guy before the 5th date.

The Dark Psychology Of Sex

This sounds stupid to write but the problem is having sex or when you’re having it, it’s who you’re having it with. Again, sounds stupid but let me explain.

The dark psychology of sex is solely based on the manipulation and perception a man has on the matter.

For example, the reason I am calling it “dark” is that you may actually have a decent dude who means well but is emotionally unavailable. Emotionally unavailable men don’t walk around with an inner dialogue screaming, “I am unavailable and broken I shouldn’t chase women.” They still can do the same things “normal” men do:

  • They can be genuine and mean what they say
  • They’re authentic in their words and actions
  • They like you and feel something 
  • The chemistry is real
  • The connection is real
  • And so on

The difference is what sex represents and the dreaded question, “What happens next?”

Remember how I said if you’re talking to a man who is emotionally available and on the same page as you that sex is just a stepping stone towards something more meaningful?

Well, what if your man is unsure what he wants and what he can give?

Sex adds a layer of context to the whole dynamic. Context is defined as the things you two do and say over time that creates a serious vibe in the relationship. If are on the same page, this is good. If not, this is going to get worse.

Many things create context. It’s unavoidable (you shouldn’t avoid it anyway):

  • Sex
  • Frequency of sex, dates, calls, text, etc
  • Meeting friends and family
  • Future planning
  • Pace
  • Leaving stuff over the house
  • Staying the night
  • Being exclusive
  • How long you’ve been talking

When all this is present and sex is involved, a man knows two things:

  •  He probably painted a picture (using all this context) that things are going well and that he is on the same page as you.
  • That you’re probably really digging him and expecting this to move forward.

It’s those two things that awakened the dormant unavailability in him. He had no reason to worry prior. It’s just two people who like each other talking and hanging out. But now, you have substance. 

He feels this. To him, this is pressure.

When it comes to the dark psychology after sex, it’s almost like an (emotionally unavailable) man’s brain chemistry changes: he wants space, he wants to slow down, he doesn’t want to feel pressure, he acts like this all was meaningless. 

That doesn’t mean he never cared; he was just careless. He wasn’t responsible for his actions and what they represented. He didn’t realize all the context he was created due to liking you would make this picture of an ideal relationship. He has to answer to that. That’s what causes pressure. 

So what does all this have to do with anything? It’s more important to filter a guy than to worry about when to sleep with him. You can do everything right but if it’s the wrong guy, it doesn’t matter. 

How To Get Him To Regret Everything By Correctly Acting Cold

“You don’t need revenge. Coldness lets karma do all the work.”

If you want him not only to regret losing you, but to squirm and come crawling back, I’ve got some good news for you.

Getting a man to regret losing you is easier than you think. Once you understand the psychology behind regret and what prevents men from regret, you will see a clear (and scientific) path to him having second thoughts.

In this article, I am going to break everything down:

  • The psychology of regret
  • His thoughts
  • The different “types” of cold

The Psychology Of Regret: What’s He Thinking?

Here is an easy way to think about regret:

Regret involves two things: Self-blame and missed opportunity. As soon as we can create those two variables, things will fall into place.

This is easier said than done, but it’s a start. This is why the first thing I tell a lot of my clients is YOU must create this missed opportunity. Sitting around waiting, hoping, and breadcrumbing each other only makes the process longer (and you pay the cost).

That’s why the first thing we must start to drill into his mind is the concept of loss aversion:

Loss aversion is a psychological principle that explains why people feel the pain of losing something more intensely than the pleasure of gaining something of equal value.

The problem is that if you’re NOT acting cold, we can never trigger this. Instead, what will happen is he’s going to feel comfortable breadcrumbing you (knowing you’re not going anywhere) while entertaining something new.

It’s only when he realizes he has to give up one for another that he has to make a choice. We’re trying to create a scenario where he makes a choice. Could he choose to leave and be gone forever? Sure, and it will suck but it’s a choice.

Regret is self-inflicted. He can’t regret anything if he can’t reflect. He can’t reflect if he didn’t make a mistake. He can’t make a mistake if you never leave.

The Four-Stage Process Men Go Through To Regret

Men don’t just regret their decision once they make it and there is a reason. He has a narrative in his head already. He looks at what I call “the variables” and explains why he feels he should leave. 

Variables can be many different things:

  • How do you two get along?
  • Are you what he’s looking for?
  • Do you fight often?
  • Do you want the same thing?
  • Did you give him the ick?
  • Does he feel he can get better?
  • Are you not his type? Are you from the same “tribe?”

Many things. But once he has enough of these variables, his brain looks for the exit strategy. That’s where these stages come in.

Stage One: Current Mood

When you start being cold (we will explain what that is and means), he will have different ways of interpreting your actions. The top three are usually:

  • “I don’t care/just leave me alone.” He could be feeling this because there is a reason why he’s pulling away and acting differently, which is why you did NC in the first place. It’s fresh to him so it hasn’t hit him yet.
  • He may try to negotiate to keep you around: He may realize he was taking you for granted or getting a worse deal now that he lost you and may not be talking to anyone else. This comes from the guy who likes you but can’t commit for whatever reason. It could be he’s emotionally unavailable, newly single, etc. This is the most common mindset. This happens in quadrant two.
  • His ego is involved, so he calls your bluff: He may try to make you jealous, not react at all, or wait you out. It doesn’t matter because you need to stick to your decision.

I want to give you pinpoint accuracy on which mindset your guy has by you pulling away. However, I want you to understand this:

You’re not going to see the results right away from NC. It can take months and consistency before you see anything. No earlier than 1 month and around 3 months.

“Why does it take so long?”

Because he’s in the mindset of not wanting a relationship, taking you for granted, lack of attraction, etc, which caused you to go cold in the first place. Just because you’re cold doesn’t mean it immediately changed.

It takes time because he has variables that created a narrative in his head that it’s best to leave.

Stage Two: He’s Adapting To The New Outcome

You have him starting to live a life without you. He still has the same mindset he had previously; he’s just living it to see if it’s the right move. 

This is an essential step for you to understand because if you were someone who always gave him chances, came back, gave him the benefit of the doubt, or let this bullshit run for too long, this step may take a while. How long? I am not sure. It could be a couple of months. 

We must hold our ground here. Let me go. He’s going to call your bluff. In his mind, he still has you if HE wants you.

Men must go through two levels of realization before realizing you’re gone:

  • He believes he calls the shots. He’s the one who left and you showed him a bunch of variables that you like him and want it to work out. He thinks he just has to show up, say a couple things, and you’ll let him back in.
  • If you hold your ground long enough though, things start to change. He starts to think, “Oh shit, maybe she’s serious.” and that’s the first signs that creep into his brain that he messed up.

Here is how his mindset works in terms of the two steps. Again, it can only be based on evidence:

When enough time goes by, he will reflect.

Stage Three: He Starts To Reflect

The reason he’s always going to reflect is he wants to avoid regret. He knows what it’s like with and without you and as I said earlier:

  • Is he blaming himself?
  • Did he feel he missed out on a good thing/opportunity?

If we can create this, we can create regret. By the way, I have a No Contact guide that goes into more detail if you’re interested. Just click here.

He will start to reflect and ask himself:

  • Was it worth it?
  • Are the assets worth the cost of a relationship?
  • Did I take her for granted?
  • Was she one of the best options I had, and I am just a moron?
  • Were the assets worth the cost?
  • Was I happier when she was around?
  • What do I want? Am I even sure what I want or am I just afraid?

Being cold allows him to ask himself these questions, process his feelings, and make a decision. This is usually when he is alone, whether in bed, watching TV, sitting at home on a Saturday night, bored at work, or driving. 

This brings us to the last step.

Stage Four: Is He Going To Act On It?

He may return if he realizes he is a fool and has a good thing. If he wanted a relationship and took you for granted, you may hear from him soon. 

Just because he’s back and talking to you doesn’t mean you win. It doesn’t even mean anything has changed. Yeah, he could have missed you. He realizes you’re an awesome-ass chick and that’s hard to come by. But is he going to commit? Has he changed due to reflecting on the situation?

Men never jump from “not being sure about you” to automatically “wanting to commit.” He’s going to see what he can get first. It’s all a negotiation. But never give him anything unless he commits.

Being Cold The Right Amount

Many people may feel you’re either cold or you’re not. While I do agree with this for the most part, I do want to mention some caveats that I think are important:

  • Please don’t use being cold as a tactic to get him back. You must communicate your boundaries, what you’re looking for, the problem, and a solution. Only when you can’t meet in the middle/come up with a solution, should you start being cold.
  • Cold is more of a last resort toward things. It’s not something you do to get a reaction out of him or play a game. If he is being cold, voice your concerns. If we can’t change the situation, pull back and respect your own boundaries.
  • Being cold isn’t a tit for tat. You’re not doing it to get payback or regain power. Although, those will naturally happen. Instead, it’s something you must commit to.
  • All types of cold have you pulling back, putting in minimal to no effort, and respecting your boundaries. The difference really is based on the situation you’re in and how horrible he disrespected you.

With that being said, let’s discuss the three levels of cold:

Neutral Cold

This is based strictly on circumstances such as co-parenting, being a coworker, part of the same friend group and so on. It’s where you feel neutral about the situation and realize that it’s better to be cordial instead of a bitch.

In this state, you’re:

  • Never directly engage unless you have to.
  • Never alone with him.
  • Never entertain him or have conversations (unless others are around).

Icy Cold

In this stage you’re essentially done with his bullshit unless he steps up. In this stage he more than likely:

  • Ghosted
  • Plays too many games
  • Took you for granted
  • Pulled back
  • Was inconsistent
  • And so on

However, the difference here is that it wasn’t all bad, and there were good times. You also hear from him semi-often, where you get the breadcrumb text or hear from him immediately.

Unfortunately, for him, that’s not enough and he needs to do a lot more than that. We listed our standards and boundaries. He’s not listening. Here is what Icy Cold looks like:

  • Not answering shit.
  • Not looking at anything (social media, post, text, etc).
  • NEVER initiating. The only reason we respond is if he’s blowing up our stuff saying he 1) misses us and wants to talk 2) realizes he screwed up and wants a relationship. That’s it.

Extreme Cold

He might as well be dead to you. You ain’t answering shit. Ever. Go to this stage if:

  • He extremely disrespected you. Especially if you gave him multiple chances.
  • He crossed a major boundary.
  • The relationship was toxic and he gaslights the shit out of you.
  • He’s a narcissist and/or manipulator. 
  • You decide you don’t want him at all and are happier without him.

No matter what level of coldness you choose, it has to be enough where he’s not getting ANY assets or benefits from you. In fact, he needs to feel he’s lost some. He then needs to be convinced (this takes time) that you’re actually done with him.

I don’t think any dude is worth this effort. God forbid you want consistency and transparency. If a guy can’t give you that, I say you just go cold and call it a day. 

Here Is What Men Don’t Tell You After Sex: What Becomes Of You

Fact: A majority of men know what they want with you before having sex. Men know what category you’re in by the end of the first (maybe second) date. Way before having sex.

Women sometimes find this hard to believe because it goes against their natural thinking: “We can get to know each other and build a connection. We can see where things go.”

Yeah, that’s not how it works for men.

Men are what we call the “offerers.” This means men choose who they offer to court, while women are the “choosers.” Because of this, men must be resourceful and need to know the following:

  • Who they’re investing in (by our standards).
  • What we want from that person (relationship, sex, validation, etc).
  • How much are we willing to invest based on that person, what we want, etc.

**If you want to work with me as a coach, please click the link here.**

I know this doesn’t sound sexy, and for many of you, it may sound defeating, but I think it’s good news for a couple of reasons:

Sleeping With Him Doesn’t Change The Outcome

For one, sleeping with someone early or late, in terms of their attraction for you, doesn’t matter. While I don’t think you should sleep with a person early for multiple reasons (more in terms of courtship and power dynamics), it’s not the deciding factor on whether a guy ends up with you or not.

If a man wants a relationship and sees you as a potential girlfriend, it doesn’t matter to him if you sleep with him date one or date nine.

We Know The Importance Of First Impressions

I feel relieved knowing where I need to perform and be my best. A lot of women may feel that’s too much pressure. A first impression is essentially “one chance” to get it right. Don’t worry, it’s not that concrete.

You don’t have to have anywhere near as close to a perfect first impression as you think. You can make mistakes, fumble over words, not look 100% and so on.

It’s the overall vibe that a man likes:

  • Did I have fun?
  • Did I find her attractive?
  • Would I see her again?
  • How was the chemistry?

If it was good enough, he has no problem putting you into the “potentinal” GF category and exploring where it goes.

There is a spectrum. You don’t have to come out and hit the ground running. You have to do enough just to get into the category. The problem is when you don’t do enough.

Then what happens?

If you’re talking to a guy who went on a date and liked some things, and not others, you’re going to become an FWB. Maybe he finds you attractive, but doesn’t share any similar interests, for example.

It’s when you don’t click many boxes and he finds you attractive that he still may keep you around for assets. Obviously FWB for the physicality of the relationship.

This means a guy is thinking, “She was okay. I found her hot, though, so I will still talk to her. But I don’t see her long-term.”

Men will continue to talk to you for as long as you two are okay or you bring up the fact of a relationship.

The question I often get is:

Okay but while we’re FWB, can it become more? What if he likes me more down the road? Can we become a couple?

Technically, yes, you could and I have seen it. But it’s rare. The reasons it’s rare are the following:

  • The things he didn’t like/that were missing still haven’t changed.
  • If he’s talking to you and getting the benefits of a relationship without paying the cost of a relationship, why would he progress to more?

Women will push me on this and say, “Well, I won’t give him the benefits then. I won’t sleep with him.”

Okay, then why in the Hell would he stay? He already doesn’t see you as girlfriend potential and the thing he wants, you’re not giving him (not that he’s entitled to it. he’s not). It goes back to what I said earlier: he’s just wasting resources and investing in someone who is neither on the same page.

How Is This Different From Women?

Many women may read this and feel that this is their frame of thinking. You categorize men and only talk to men you see as compatible.

While this is true, I think there are several differences:

  • Men are more savage when it comes to their placements. Once you’re in a category, it’s hard to leave. For many women, a guy can build a connection with her in her eyes and move up from there.
  • While women put men in categories, it’s more subconscious. Men are more consciously active with it.
  • Women don’t really keep men around and sleep with them when they don’t see a future with them. Men do.
  • Men will put you in that category after one or two dates. Women want to get to know a guy before telling him, “Hey you’re a nice guy I just don’t feel the connection.” Men will literally not feel it on the first date and then continue to talk to you as an FWB without you even realizing it.

How The Categories Work

In my opinion, there are three categories:

  • FWB: I like the assets she has but I don’t see her long-term. We aren’t compatible long-term.
  • GF Material: I like the assets she has and I see her long-term.
  • Friend Zone: She doesn’t have the assets I am looking for in a long-term partner but I like being around her and feel compatible to her.

A better way to put all this is:

Once you’re in a category, it’s tough to move out, but you can always move to a worse one. For example:

If you’re GF material but he isn’t feeling you like he thought, he’d still keep you around for a FWB. If you’re a FWB but you’re getting attached, he may pull away and brand you as friends to let you down easy.

I guess it’s easy to go from friend to FWB but FWB to GF is hard to achieve. It’s not worth it in my opinion.

I already mentioned how he has no reason to commit if he’s already getting the relationship benefits without paying the cost. But what’s also important to remember is how much YOU will invest to move higher up. He won’t invest inyou moving up to a GF when he’s already living the good life. That will be you initiating, reaching out, planning, and keeping things afloat.

Which by the way, reinforces to him that he has you. All the more reason to keep you as an FWB because he feels you’re not going anywhere.

Again, it’s not worth it.

If you like what I say here and want to work with me, whether you have a particular situation or are generally dating, please click the link here. I’d love to work with you.

Power Dynamics And How Single Women Can Get Men Obsessing Over Them

A woman needs to be courted. I know times are changing, and men aren’t what they used to be, but I believe we can keep the tradition of a man taking a woman out on a nice date, getting to know her, and building something special.

I know the truth. Men DO want to court you. They want to court the right woman. In this breakdown, we are going to make men court you like you’re a damn queen.

In This Article:

  • Giving/taking power and respect. We will discuss how the person with and without power perceives power. This is crucial in maintaining power.
  • The transition of power. We will discuss how power is transitioned between two people in good and bad ways.
  • How it plays out. The power needs to be played out correctly or you can go down a bad path that’s impossible to come back from.
  • Negotiation of power and respect. A lot of power is negotiated. What you allow and don’t allow in your situationship dictates how the game is played.

**If you’d like to work with me or get my guides, please click the link here.**

Giving And Taking Power

Let me tell you something about power that you may disagree with:

Power is given and taken away based on whether someone wants you to have it or not.

I know that may not sound like the definition of power (or the exact opposite), but hear me out. In dating, if someone does not want you to have power, they don’t have to agree to the “frame” you’re creating and/or play the game you want them to play. They can leave, and the interaction is over.

This would be the best move for them since sticking around would be a lose/win situation, and leaving would be a lose/lose situation.

This means that for power to work in one’s favor, one should be willing to give a lot back. Everyone should benefit. Let me give you an example.

If we take a king in power over a country, don’t you think that king will do well if the citizens prospered from the king being in power? Because of this, the people will:

  • Think highly of the king
  • Vote for the king again
  • Show loyalty
  • Have a like-bias towards them
  • Trust the king
  • And so on

They want to give power to the king because he’s responsible, and the payoff is that the people do well.

On the other hand, let’s say the king was horrible like some past leaders. Sure, they can entice fear and make people do things, but it’s almost like walking on eggshells. The people:

  • Don’t trust him
  • Want him out
  • Plan to assassinate him
  • Want to dethrone him
  • Find power elsewhere
  • Leave the country

It’s just a matter of time before something happens. That’s how history plays out, at least.

So, what does this have to do with you and dating?

A lot! No one will cave into the other (unless manipulated) if they feel they’re being taken advantage of by giving the other person respect and power.

This means men are going to be hesitant in courting you if:

  • They feel you’re using sex as a bargaining chip
  • Not serious about them
  • Playing hard to get
  • Not showing appreciation for their investment
  • You’re not reciprocating

This sounds like common sense, and you’re thinking, “Okay, Elliot, I don’t do this, though.” But it’s not about if you do it or not. It’s about if he believes you’re doing it. That’s a big difference.

From my experience as a coach, I talk to thousands of women a year on the phone, and when they tell me their problems, something like this always comes up. Remember, neither you nor he plays the perfect game. We constantly make mistakes.

With that being said, you probably don’t wanna give a guy power if:

  • You feel he wants sex
  • He’s taken you for granted
  • He’s not investing enough
  • You think he thinks he has you
  • He’s talking to multiple women

To dive even deeper on this subject, it’s important to know why one of you would want to keep power versus giving it up. By the way, if someone does not give it up, it’s a huge red flag.

We want to hold onto power to avoid RISK!

Here is what happens when he has power:

As you can see, he’s avoiding risk, and you’re taking a lot of risk here. You’re chasing a guy and seeking validation at the risk of him not even committing! That’s not good. No one wants to be in that situation.

Let’s look at when the roles are flipped, and you have power:

Now, he’s seeking validation and having to invest when he doesn’t know you will hook up or choose him.

The secret here with power is two things:

  • Trust: Do I trust you with the power? Do I trust things will be good when you have it?
  • What’s in it for me? If both parties win, a transition of power is fine.

Okay, so what are you telling me to do?

When he has power, see how he uses it. If he takes advantage of you while he has it, you must call his bluff and/or leave. You cannot stay! It will make it worse!

If you have power, ensure you’re not still “playing games” because men will pick up on it and take it personally. You’ll fall for him and give him power back and then he will hold onto it as much as possible.

But if trust and shared benefits are involved, both should be okay.

The Transition Of Power

After reading everything above, you’re curious about when power transitions and how to know when you have it. That’s what we are going to break down here.

First off, what I am about to tell you is NOT set in stone. it’s not permanent. It’s more of a “rule of thumb” when the game is played correctly but can always change.

If you want to know how has TRUE power, remember this:

“Power is who can do less and get the same outcome.”

This means if you’re sitting on your ass and having a man chase, you have power. If he’s relaxing while you’re freaking out and in your head wondering where this situationship is going, he has power.

Of course, we don’t want this to happen no matter who has power because then it gets stagnant and you lose all momentum toward it moving into a relationship.

What is most important to understand is who has the power, when it transitions, and what to do when you have the power.

To help demonstrate this, I made a little design:

Let me now explain why each of you has power in these situations:

First Meeting: It’s neutral power because the dynamic hasn’t been set up yet. The game hasn’t been played yet. However, I think good framing can make the difference here and get one of you off on the right foot. If you want to know more about this, please check out my guide on power.

Framing a relationship: You have the power here because you DO NOT move forward unless he says, “I am looking for a relationship.” If you do, you automatically lose because you made a blunder. More on that later on. Think of it as a horrible negotiation if you continue without him saying he’s on the same page as you.

Courtship: You have power for several reasons. For one, you’re “doing less” and getting the same outcome. You’re not putting anything up for risk because there is nothing to lose here. On the other hand, he has something to lose because he’s investing in you without knowing if you’ll choose him and continue.

At this point and further, you will realize something that is NOT a coincidence: Whenever someone does or doesn’t have power, you will see them adapt to what’s happening. For example, when the woman has power, she will slow it down and have the guy prove himself, whereas the guy will want to move fast, love bomb you, and try to have sex as soon as possible. I am sure you have had this happen plenty of times.

On the other end, when he has power (after hooking up), you want to speed things up by getting validation and security, wanting him to invest, clarity, and hope that he’s still on the same page as you. He on the other hand slows it down by chilling, relaxing, not immediately getting back to you, and so on.

That is why the first portion of this article is so important. If you trust each other, want the same thing, and both parties benefit, this trade-off isn’t as scary as it may seem.

Sex: Here a man has power because you’re giving up a very important asset that makes you vulnerable and gives him power.

After Sex: He is going to have a lot of power after sex because this is the valuable asset you should only be giving to men that you care about. He has it, and it will be difficult for a woman because you’re putting all your trust in a man right before the relationship.

Relationship: While you would think you’d both have power here, especially if you wanted the same thing, you have power because in the perfect world, he would be able to have his cake and eat it too. This isn’t the most optimal sexual strategy for men. What is optimal is a man who gets the benefits of a relationship without being in one. I’m not saying you should do that, but that’s what HIS best move is.

Consistent Sex In A Relationship: He gets sex and you get the relationship so both people are benefitting from the relationship. Yes, I know there is more to a relationship than sex. Yes, I know men want more than sex. That doesn’t matter. It’s what Mother Nature wants and decides.

Power Sequence And How It Unfolds

This is a difficult concept to explain, but I will try my best using pictures, examples, and analogies.

When it comes to power and respect, a lot of people look at it linear like they do with, let’s say, working out:

“Oh man! I had such a horrible day of eating. I feel like I made all this progress and am now moving backwards. I have to jump back on the program and keep moving forward.”

They think of it as one-dimensional. They’re either moving forward or backward:

While there is some truth in this thought process, it’s limited.

Instead, power needs to be seen like chess. In chess, if you make one move over another—let’s say you decide to move the Queen instead of your Bishop—the way that game unfolds is entirely irrelevant to each other. They’re two completely different games now with two different outcomes.

The best way to explain it is to imagine opening another alternate universe and version of yourself.

If we use the example of you sleeping with a guy too early as the “move/mistake” you make, there is now a way the game unfolds with you sleeping with a guy versus you not sleeping with him. It’s not linear thinking like, “Oh I slept with him. I need to play the game correctly to get my power back.”

No. That’s not how it works. In chess, we call this a blunder.

Blunder: A mistake/wrong move that dramatically decreases your chances of winning a game.

Yes, you still need to play the game correctly. Not for the reason you think. It’s not to gain power back. It’s to take advantage of the opportunity when he makes a mistake.

The thing is, he may not make a mistake as great as your blunder. Everyone makes mistakes. No one (not even me) plays the perfect game. You have to play better than your opponent. But if you make a blunder, it’s hard to recover from.

So why am I telling you all this? What does it have to do with the article?

Up to this point, we talked about wanting to give someone power, both sides benefitting, and transitioning power.

It’s difficult for someone to transfer power to you when you give them such a huge advantage.

If you sleep with me early, I cannot hand you the power back. You may say that this is all games and if someone liked you this wouldn’t be happening. That’s true. But several things:

  • It’s early on. You’re not even official yet, so their liking you enough just to make a mistake like you did isn’t part of the picture yet.
  • You don’t know what type of guy this is. You don’t know what he wants, his intentions, and what he’s about. It’s better to play the safe game and watch it unfold.
  • A lot of people don’t think about power this way. This is more subconscious. People think about pleasure and benefits. For example, I am not thinking, “How do I hold onto this power.” Instead, I am thinking, “I want to have sex again.” My actions will show this and when you give me a lot of power, I am going to try to have sex with you again because why not? We did before so why not again? You’re not going to like how this plays out, obviously.

Again, no one can play the perfect game. The key to a good game is prevention and to play as tight a game as possible.

If you want it to transition towards a relationship, neither of you must make blunders. That can hold things up.

For example, if he makes a colossal mistake and forgets you had plans Saturday night, you will pay him for it. You will make him invest more, prove himself, and show consistency before sleeping with him. It would look like this:

Of course, you could make a mistake along the way which gives him power back:

Negotiations: The Number One Way You Lose/Gain Power

When going through the journey of casual to committed, you want to make sure the game is played fairly. While transitioning power, you want to make sure the “Deal” is good and things run smoothly toward the goal of a relationship.

That can only happen if you know the deal you’re signing. I call this the Negotiation:

Some women don’t realize the situations their actions (or lack of) put them in. I have had clients come to me and say, “I have no idea why I keep getting myself in these situations. What am I doing wrong?”

Sometimes, it’s hard to figure out what you’re doing wrong. Let me give you a great example.

You and a guy you’re in a situationship and were intimate with are cuddling and you decide to turn to him and ask, “Hey I like you, this is fun, I feel a great connection, and want to know what you think. I want something more.” You just started a negotiation.

The thing you’re negotiating is a relationship. Let’s say he comes back with, “That is awesome. I like you too. I think you’re amazing. However, I am not looking for something serious right now. Maybe in the future.” He just renegotiated.

The next step is where women get in trouble. She doesn’t leave. She sticks around, hoping that things are going to change. She holds onto his statement of “Maybe in the future” and continues the situationship that turns into an FWB. She loses power here.

Why?

There are several reasons why she lost power:

For one, he makes the call now. She’s waiting on HIM to make the call for a relationship. He’s calling the shots and if she’s waiting around, it’s on his watch and he will take his time. This is a mistake according to everything we have discussed up to this point in the article.

Sometimes, the most vital position in a negotiation is where you’re willing to walk away and mean it.

Secondly, the power sequence we talked about earlier was wrong. She should have initially discussed what she was looking for and stated that she sought something serious before progressing forward.

Thirdly, she negotiated herself in a worse position. He knows she wants a relationship; she’s sticking around hoping for one, continuing to give him the benefits, and she made a huge blunder. He just has to play the game without making a huge blunder now, and she wins.

Sadly, this is how dating is. There is a saying I always tell my clients:

Dating is transactional. Love is where we make the sacrifices.

What I mean by this quote is that dating is transactional. It involves a lot of give-and-take while building attraction and minimizing risk. No one will sacrifice their health, happiness, and peace of mind for someone they are not in a relationship with. Sacrifices are made only in a relationship because we are a team, and I care about you enough to keep you afloat.

That is why you need to look at dating as a negotiation. You can be fun, flirty, relaxed, open up, and sexual…to an extent.

Ask yourself these questions:

  • Am I losing power with these moves?
  • Is he gaining power unnecessarily?
  • Do I trust him?
  • What position does this leave me in?

I wanted to discuss everything in this article before this section. There is NOTHING wrong with being in the worst position, losing power, and giving him power if you’re on the same page, trust him, and know he’s earned it and has lost power to you before.

Give in a little if he’s been a good guy and courted you. Just don’t fuck your sequence up and sleep with him early. That’s a big blunder that is hard to come back from.

Almost everything is a negotiation because the little variable of everyday options/choices you have leads to the bigger picture (context). Let me give you an example.

If you agree to have a guy come over and watch a movie for the second date, that may not be something many people do, but it’s not necessarily a bad move. Let’s say you two just cuddled and made out.

This negotiation is because you agreed to let him come over versus taking you out.

Remember the power sequence we talked about earlier? You’re creating two alternate “games of chess” again:

Again, it’s bigger-picture thinking. Coming over and cuddling isn’t a bad thing. It’s how the sequence unfolds to where your actions indicate you’re okay with this, WHICH MEANS you negotiated yourself into this position. Does that make sense?

That is how women fall into horrible negotiation traps and lose power.

If you’re interested in navigating the modern dating market, understanding men, and getting into a relationship ASAP, click here to see my methods for helping my clients.

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Why Men Never Commit To Hopeful Women (He Doesn’t Need To)

“You don’t get offers by hoping — you get offers by being the prize.”

If you aren’t his girlfriend in 8 weeks, the following has happened:

  • He’s unsure about you but wants the benefits.
  • He’s taking advantage of the fact that you like him so much.
  • He’s not afraid of losing you.
  • He likes you but doesn’t see you long-term.

That’s right. Men know early on if you’re girlfriend material or not. If you’re not officially together in two months, he’s taking advantage that you’re hoping to get the title as girlfriend.

In this article, I am going to tell you why men rarely commit to hopeful women and why you should cut men off at eight weeks.

Women Love Deeper And Are Outcome-Dependent

It’s not that women are “clingy” or “too emotional” — it’s that they’re biologically wired to be more selective and commitment-focused. And when you understand the evolutionary forces behind this, it all starts to make perfect sense.

Women bear the cost of reproduction. I know that sounds ridiculous now in modern times with contraception and an abundance of safety and resources. But our lizard brains still operate in a way that avoids harm/risk and seeks pleasure.

However, from an evolutionary perspective, this means one bad choice in a man could risk her life, her child’s life, and her survival chances. So women evolved to seek out men who wouldn’t just provide pleasure — but protection, provision, and presence. When a woman sleeps with a man that doesn’t commit, we’re essentially roleplaying what our ancestors went through back then when things were more uncertain.

According to Parental Investment Theory the sex that invests more in offspring becomes more selective in mate choice. In humans, that’s women — by a long shot.

  • A man can impregnate multiple women in a week and never see the children. Sounds horrible but Mother Nature gives two shits about morals and values. Just reproduce.
  • A woman can get pregnant once, and she’s locked into nearly a year of risk, followed by years of caregiving.

That’s why women evolved to seek commitment first and sex second, while men often evolved in the reverse order — sex first, commitment optional unless the woman proves she’s worth it.

For our ancestors, having sex with the wrong man could cause casualties:

  • You’re more prone to predators.
  • Other men ostracise you.
  • You may need the village to help you.
  • You need more nutrients and resources.
  • Health concerns during birth.
  • The chances of the child’s survival are based on your stress, health, and resources.

For men, casual sex was an evolutionary opportunity. For women, it was a potential death sentence.

Historically, if a woman got pregnant by the wrong man — one who disappeared or refused to help — she and her child could die. So women developed instincts for detecting red flags, testing a man’s reliability, and attaching to men who showed signs of staying power.

This is why hopeful waiting doesn’t work — because unless a man is given a reason to invest, his biology doesn’t push him to. But a woman’s biology? It pushes her to attach, to bond, to build something long-term.

A Confused Woman Is A Hopeful Woman

With all this being said, women weren’t dumb. They didn’t want to date men who had a reputation for leaving. Therefore, they were choosier. That was their strategy, at least. 

This is how courtship came to what it is today. Men were are the “offerers” because traditionally, we had the resources and had to invest in women to prove we weren’t going to leave. Women are the “choosers” picking the best mate that they believed will stick by their side and give her the highest chance of success.

Men knew this and came up with a counter-strategy:

Instead of committing, men were okay with investing. They would invest a lot. Just enough to make a woman believe he was who he said he was and to sleep with him. The goal men had was they knew as long as you slept with them and were hopeful of relationship, you’d stick around.

That’s because you were at risk (back then) for leaving while being pregnant. You were dependent on him.

Today, men do this but focus more on you being hopeful and bet on the fact that you may “regret” pulling away because you’re getting mixed signals. 

If a man were to tell you, “There is no way on God’s beautiful green Earth we will be together. I don’t want a relationship,” it hurts, but it’s easier to move on.

Instead, he tells you a lot of “buying time” phrases:

  • Give me more time.
  • Let’s see what happens.
  • I like you a lot, I just ain’t ready yet.
  • I like where this is going let’s talk about it again in a month

You get the idea. A woman isn’t going to leave in this situation because she’s hopeful things will change. That’s where a man will always win.

As long as you never get an answer (meaning you’re unsure, confused, or uncertain about what’s going on), you will stick around to see an outcome. Men know this.

Taking The Burden Of Risk

“If he gets girlfriend privileges without commitment, why would he upgrade the deal?”

With all that being said, who is more at risk? You or him? I constantly tell my clients that dating is a game of risk avoidance. It’s about getting what you want without getting taken advantage of. 

If you’re someone sticking around and it already feels like a relationship, let me ask you two questions:

  • What would he get from committing to you that he can’t get elsewhere or that he’s not already getting from you?
  • What is the urgency of committing if you’re not going anywhere?

After 8 weeks, the woman takes the risk of sticking around. By this time, he’s probably eliminated all risk, meaning:

  • He’s probably not investing like he used to.
  • You’re not talking to anyone else.
  • You’re still putting him on a pedestal when you speak to others.
  • You’re hooking up.
  • He has you hopeful.
  • He’s not worried about competition.

Essentially, you’re talking to a guy who can have his cake and eat it too because he’s realizing at this point there is no risk in deciding to keep you on the market, so why not take that “risk?”

You, on the other hand, are taking a huge risk because you’re taking yourself off the market and giving a man all these benefits, who’s not even your boyfriend.

This hurts you because:

  • It drains you mentally and emotionally.
  • Hurts the ego.
  • Lowers your value.
  • He takes you for granted.
  • You’re getting played.
  • You’re wasting time.

What are you going to do about this? 8 weeks is the limit. Don’t go past 10 (at most).

Why This 5 Step Process Is The Best Way To Filter Men Who Won’t Commit.

A man who won’t commit is ultimately a waste of time.

Nothing is worse than wasting your time and energy on someone who can’t give you anything in return. They drain you. They take everything from you and leave you with nothing.

It’s exhausting and it’s all because you wanted to give this guy a shot. Or better yet, you didn’t do your homework and filter him correctly.

As a dating coach of 10 years, 99% of the time, the guy gives off clear signs that he won’t commit. When I hear my clients’ stories, I pick it up in the first five minutes on what happens and why. Men ALWAYS give clues. You just have to be good at reading what’s being said.

If you’re a woman who is afraid/tired of:

  • Getting hurt
  • Wasting her time
  • Getting played
  • Opening up
  • Being strung along

My 5-step filtering process will help you save tons of time dating the wrong men.

Why This Process Works

I know men. I know how they play the game, their shortcuts, and the tricks they pull over your eyes.

Men are extremely good at luring you in and making you feel you’re the luckiest woman on Earth. This isn’t always bad. Despite what you may think, just because it didn’t turn out well and he’s the one who ended it, doesn’t mean he had ill intent.

For a large majority of men, I feel they have good intentions. I don’t think they’re lurking in the shadows waiting to find their perfect victim. Instead, I feel they’re talking to a girl they like but unfortunately, they get in their own heads, are emotionally unavailable, and can’t deliver on the promise. I’d say men are more irresponsible than deceitful.

And this is precisely why my process will work:

I know when these men are likely to fold despite having good intentions. It sneaks up on them out of nowhere, just like his behavior change blindsided you. I know and can predict accurately if this behavior change will occur.

It’s not as simple as other coaches make it. “If he does X then you do Y. And If he does A you need to do B.” My approach considers the pitfalls that will hurt you later on down the road and specific critical filters for men who want to hook up or are emotionally unavailable.

I put together a time-tested process I have used for ten years with my clients. The better you are with it, the better you can eliminate 99% of the problem men in the dating market.

By the way, if you want to work with me, figure out where your guy stands, read his mind, or fix your situation, please get a session with me. I’d love to work with you.

The 5-Step Process To Filter Men

Here are some things to know about this filtering process:

  • These steps stack. Meaning, he has to pass all of them! I don’t care if he passes a majority of them. He has to pass all unless you decide to make an executive decision and feel it’s okay to continue.
  • Emotions must be put aside. I am not saying I want you to be robotic without emotion. I want you to understand how biased we are when emotions are involved. When you go through the steps and he fails, look at it logically and then try to work through the matter. If you feel you’re using emotions such as, “But I like him,” you must stop and not move forward until you fix it logically.
  • It isn’t your job to fix, justify, or help him. Women wonder why they keep attracting men or getting in the same situations. It’s because they have a leaky filter. They will see a problem but help the guy “bypass her security” by justifying his actions, such as saying he’s busy and tired, as the reasons why he’s not making an effort.

Let’s jump into the 5-step filtering process!

Step One: Ask him what he’s looking for from the VERY BEGINNING.

I know this sounds like common sense and you may think it’s a weak first step because he can lie to your face, but you must do this. Here are a few reasons why:

  • If he does lie about it, at least you know he’s in the wrong and a piece of shit. This is much better than having the discussion 4 weeks later, where you can’t hold him accountable because you didn’t add purpose to the interaction. This is a top way men get away with shit. You can’t say he’s leading you on if you never talked about what you two are looking for.
  • It’s better to frame that you two are working towards a relationship instead of “going with the flow.” Men get free range if there is no structure.
  • I am a brilliant dating coach. I am thinking ahead. The real reason I want you to ask this question is CONTEXT.

For those who do not know, context is what you two do and say over time, creating a serious vibe within the relationship. Anything from texting, hooking up, future planning, pace, consistency, serious conversations, etc, falls under this category.

Context is neutral. This means it’s good if you two are on the same page. You want context as it lets you know we agree on where this is going, getting validation, and progressing. It isn’t nice if you two want different things, because as context builds, he will feel he’s leading you on, resulting in him pulling away.

That is why it makes sense to mention that we’re looking for a relationship. It lets him know we’re dating with intent and not to waste our time.

Step Two: Do your “detective work.”

Doing your detective work was a phrase I coined that essentially means to look at his dating history. There are three things I am trying to find out in particular, as they are the most common variables I see when a man is emotionally unavailable and doesn’t commit. Those things are:

  • One: How long has he been single? Something isn’t adding up if he’s single too long (3 years or longer) and says he wants a relationship. Trust me, it’s not “I haven’t found the right girl.” On top of that, if he’s been single for that long, the odds that you’re the girl to come in and change that are extremely rare.
  • Two: Was he cheated on in his last relationship? Men who were cheated on in their previous relationship rarely commit to the following women they’re dating. More often than not, this man is emotionally unavailable and thinks getting the benefits of a relationship without actually being in one is better.
  • Three: Has he ever had a serious long-term relationship? If you’re talking to a guy in his 30s and he’s never had a serious relationship or a guy in his 40s who has never been engaged, you won’t get anything out of these men. Again, there are reasons I ask these three questions. I see them come up time and time again as patterns of men who don’t commit.

If you want to dive deeper into things that matter less but are still important, you can look at what I call the “logistics:”

  • How far apart do you live? More than an hour, statistically, chances go down (that’s an actual stat).
  • How did he answer the “What are you looking for?” question? Only accept, “I want a relationship/am looking for something serious.”
  • His dating experience. Too much or too little is a bad sign. Men with too little but are starting to date women will want to keep dating. On the other hand, if he has too much and is still single, he will want to keep dating.

Step Three: Is he consistently investing his resources over time?

You probably discovered that men are good at lovebombing or at least, front-running their effort. For the first month, they’re good at showing you that they’re a great guy until you’re hooked.

There are two reasons why men do this:

One is that they’re emotionally unavailable and trying to fill a void. Men who are insecure and trying to fill voids are always moving at a faster pace.

The second reason is to avoid the risk of over-investing in a woman who either won’t give him the “rewards” for investing or for a woman he doesn’t see long-term.

It’s a common strategy between the sexes that men will want to speed up the courting stage until they get to the “after sex” stage, and then slow it down, while women want to slow down the courting stage and speed up the “after sex” stage, and rush to a relationship.

Humans will always rush through the stage when they have the disadvantage/lack of power and slow down during the stage where they have the advantage/power.

This is why one of the strategies I tell women to implement is to play a slower game and watch for a man to invest consistently. Any man can play the game for several weeks. But it gets more challenging for a man to play it consistently over time.

On average, I see emotionally unavailable men flip around the 5–6 week mark because context is starting to build up and things are feeling serious. Men can invest up until then. So take everything he does and says with a grain of salt and look for men who invest in you no matter the week or month.

It’s crazy how fast men flip, and you have to consider if he ever liked you in the first place.

Step Four: How are the ratios of going out and staying in looking?

Like I hinted at when discussing why my process works, I know men love taking shortcuts and cutting corners. It’s not a male thing. It’s a human thing. We want to save on resources. It’s programmed in us from a survival and evolutionary perspective.

Consider two scenarios: In one timeline, you have a man who takes you out, courts you, treats you well, and then takes you home and hooks up with you. In another timeline, you have that same man take you out once, and then on the next date, ask you to come over, and you two eventually hook up.

Who is more efficient here?

Obviously, without overthinking it, the guy in the second timeline who invited you over is more efficient. He got the same result by doing less. This is a man’s dream, which is why it’s so essential for a woman to have structure and be courted.

If you have men who are cutting corners, succeeding at doing so, and you find yourself in a pickle now that you don’t know what to do, you probably have a guy who is either:

  • Not taking you seriously
  • Taking you for granted
  • Not wanting a relationship

To be clear: a man can cut corners and still want a relationship. However, it’s not a good sign he is cutting corners. As I said, it’s in our nature, so don’t automatically cut him out. But the way I look at it is:

Suppose you have a guy living the good life in this situationship where he’s cutting corners, getting the benefits, and not having to pay the cost of investment of an actual relationship. Why would he ever be in a relationship? What advantage does he gain that he’s not getting right now?

This is a question many of my clients can’t answer and then they wonder why they’re in the situation they’re in. If the ratios benefit them, you’re staying in and hooking up much more than him courting you, someone has to pay that cost. Usually, that’s the woman.

This is a crucial step to understand as it layers well with the rest: Men who want relationships tend to invest consistently and take the woman off the market. There is nothing wrong with staying in and hooking up. But unless you feel like a couple doing so, he needs to continue taking you out and take you off the market.

If you want actual numbers, it depends on where you are in the situationship to figure out the ratios.

It’s the first 3 weeks of dating, and let’s say you have 4–5 interactions, the first 3–4 need to be dates, so 75/25. After you reach around the halfway point (5–6 weeks), you can be 50/50. After that, I feel it’s okay to be 60/40, as in staying in versus going out.

After hooking up and going out enough, I feel it’s better to stay in slightly more than going out. That’s essentially staying in twice every time you two go out, which in my opinion, is more reasonable and sustainable. If you’re not comfortable with this, that is completely fine. You can have a guy take you out much more if you like. I am just emphasizing in this step that:

  • Don’t ever let it be utterly one-sided in terms of staying in
  • The beginning should be him courting you and taking you out
  • He has to EARN the reward of staying in
  • Please don’t sleep with him before five dates.

Step Five: Have “the talk” at eight weeks

Women don’t like it when I say this or don’t believe me, but it’s true:

Men know after the first date what category you’re in. The rest of the time is him just reaping benefits, enjoying your company, and playing things out.

Yes, that’s right! Men know already what category you’re in. Can you change categories? Sure, but it’s unlikely. The reason for this is that many of the things men look for are found on their first or second date. Those things include:

  • looks
  • personality/humor
  • Interest
  • chemistry

Men are that simple. That’s all men look for in the beginning. Of course, there are layers and depth to this, but for the most part, this is what a man is looking for and finds it out very early on. The other 7 weeks are a man just going with the flow and waiting patiently so he doesn’t make a hasty or impulsive decision.

The reason I am telling you this is you must talk about transitioning towards a relationship at 8 weeks if you’re still talking within a sitautionship. If you don’t, you’re going to get taken advantage of.

If you’re not in a relationship after two months, the odds of you getting into a healthy relationship at three months decrease, and it starts to decrease as time goes on.

For those who think I am crazy for saying this, look at it from a male advantageous standpoint:

Wouldn’t it be wise to take you off the market if I like you? Like, we’ve been talking for 2 months right? Things are going well, we’ve been consistent, we’re acting like a couple and like each other. What’s the problem? If anything, keeping you on the market is more risky because that’s the only way I lose you to competition.

What many women fail to realize is that if a man isn’t thinking this and he’s keeping you on the market, it’s for several reasons:

  • He’s unsure about you. If a guy is uncertain after two months, you might as well walk away.
  • He’s not afraid of losing you. That means you did so much to convince him you’re not going anywhere that he doesn’t have to decide.
  • He’s not afraid of the competition. Like the previous point, you showed him so much interest that he knows you’re not talking to anyone else, so he doesn’t have to worry about taking you off the market.

My Links To My Work/Sessions

How Long Do I Need To Be Silent For Him To Feel Like An Idiot And Regret Everything?

Silence can be a woman’s most powerful tool when dealing with a man who has pulled away or behaved in ways that don’t align with her needs and boundaries.

It’s not about playing games — it’s about structure and giving both parties the space to reflect on their behavior.

For women who want to know how long they need to stay silent to make a man regret his actions and feel like an idiot for letting her go, understanding the psychology behind silence is essential.

This article will break down how men think during a woman’s silence, how long it typically takes for them to realize their mistakes, and the key variables that influence the effectiveness of silence.

**If you’re interested in working with me, click the link here.**

The Evolutionary Psychology Behind Silence

To understand why silence can profoundly impact a man, we must first look at the psychology that drives human behavior, particularly in men.

From an evolutionary standpoint, men are wired to avoid loss. Historically, men’s survival and success in social structures depended on maintaining valuable relationships espeically those that they previous invested in. We are resourceful by nature.

You may ask, “Well if that’s the case, why he’s pulling this crap to begin with were he’s testing my patience and boundaries?”

Men also tend to be less emotionally expressive and more prone to testing boundaries in relationships. As a result, they often take a woman’s presence for granted, assuming she will always be there.

It’s simply a man taking you for granted and seeing if he can achieve the same result while investing fewer resources. Obviously, this is at your expense, hence why you’re upset.

If that’s the case, can a man still regret and feel like an idiot? Yes.

When a woman chooses silence after a man has made mistakes or pulled away, it compels him to reflect. Initially, the man might not feel the impact of her absence immediately. He may even feel a temporary sense of relief, especially if he was the one pulling away or if there was tension in the relationship. However, the lack of contact begins to affect him as the days turn into weeks and then into months. The silence creates a void that he can’t ignore.

However, for this to be effective, time is crucial. Regret doesn’t happen overnight; for a person to truly feel the weight of their actions, they need space to process the situation.

How Long Should Silence Last? The 1–3 Month Rule

One of the most frequent questions women ask when considering the power of silence is, “How long should I be silent for him to regret everything?” The answer isn’t simple, but a general guideline is that silence should last anywhere from one to three months.

During the first month of silence, a man might not experience the full emotional impact. He might still assume that the woman will return or that her silence is just a temporary reaction. This is especially true if he has been given numerous chances without facing any real consequences. He may think he can wait it out and that things will eventually return to normal. In fact, during this phase, men are often in denial, thinking they have control over the situation.

However, as the silence stretches beyond the first month, things change. By the two-to-three-month mark, the emotional impact of the woman’s absence starts to hit harder. At this point, the man is no longer in denial. He starts to feel the void left by the woman, and it becomes difficult to ignore. The longer the silence continues, the more likely he will reflect on his actions and regret pushing her away.

The key takeaway here is that silence requires time to be effective. For the man to genuinely feel regret, he needs to experience enough time without the woman to understand what he has truly lost. One to three months is generally the ideal window for unfolding this process.

The Variables That Affect the Effectiveness of Silence

While the one-to-three-month rule is a good starting point, the effectiveness of silence can depend on several key variables. Understanding these variables can help you tailor your approach to your specific situation.

Past Behavior: How much has the man taken the woman for granted in the past? If the woman has repeatedly given him chances and tolerated poor behavior without setting clear boundaries, it will take longer for him to feel the consequences of her silence. If he has been used to her always coming back, he may need more time to realize that this time is different.

    This includes:

    • Him doing this before and coming back (and you let him).
    • You showing you care a lot more than he does.
    • You two talking about being exclusive but not being a couple.
    • You only talking to him and getting off the apps.
    • You trying harder than him to make it work.
    • Giving him chances he doesn’t deserve.

    The Power Dynamics: If the man has had more power in the relationship — either by pulling away repeatedly or by setting the terms — he may feel less urgency to change at first. It will take more time and a more consistent demonstration of boundaries for him to start reflecting on the situation. Power in the relationship is created by the bullet points above.

    The Woman’s Actions: Okay, let’s say you screwed up and did all the thing I listed above. We have to unwind that and make it believable that you’re actually done. That’s the goal now.

    How convincing is the silence? Mixed signals, such as liking his social media posts or checking in on him, can undo the progress made by silence. If a woman has previously shown that she can’t stay silent for long or repeatedly gives in after short periods of silence, it will be harder for the man to believe that she’s really gone this time. A woman must be fully committed to her silence for it to have the desired effect.

    His Circumstances: A man’s emotional state, attachment style, and other external factors, such as his level of interest or the presence of other distractions (e.g., a new romantic interest), can all affect how quickly he will come to regret his behavior. If he’s emotionally distant or already engaged with someone else, it may take longer for him to feel the effects of the silence.

      Why Inconsistent Silence Doesn’t Work

      One of the most common mistakes women make when using silence as a tool is inconsistency — starting off silent but caving in. You just proved to him that now he knows he has you.

      A woman might go a few days without contacting the man, only to break the silence by liking his posts or responding to his messages. This inconsistency can undermine the entire strategy.

      When a woman is silent but continues to engage in small ways:

      • Responding to him after he initiates.
      • Liking his post
      • Looking at his stories
      • Asking about him in common friend groups

      All of this shows signs that you’re playing a game and make it harder to convey you’re serious. In fact, you have to start over. I don’t give a flying f*** is his dog dies and mom comes down with an illness. Stay silent.

      “But Elliot, that’s not my personality. I care about people.”

      Yeah, not shit. That’s why you’re in this situation and not me. Ask me the last time I was in a similar situation. It was 12 years ago with an ex. Never again.

      Think of silence as a performance. If you’re acting like you’re done and not looking for reconciliation, you need to commit to that role entirely. Mixed signals, such as half-hearted gestures, will only confuse him and delay the process of regret.

      How Silence Forces a Man to Realize the Consequences of His Actions

      The ultimate goal of using silence in this context is to get the man to realize the consequences of his actions. That means there must be a consequence to his actions. A cause and effect.

      “Without structure, there is chaos.”

      This means if you don’t uphold the structure of your value, he’s going to walk on you and there will be chaos. You must pay that price then. Just don’t let it get to that point to begin with.

      It takes time.

      As the silence continues, the man feels the woman’s absence more intensely. This is when regret starts to set in. The key moment of realization comes when he understands that his behavior has led to a tangible loss — something that can’t be easily replaced. He may begin to regret not committing to or not appreciating the woman he had.

      It’s important to remember that this is a self-inflicted process. Regret is self-inflicted. If you’re silent and hold your ground, that’s the only way he’s going to have an opportunity to think, “Oh man, I screwed up.” He has no reason to reflect if you don’t give him a reason to.

      For most men, the one to three-month window is ideal for triggering self-reflection and regret. During this time, the man will begin to understand the consequences of his actions and may come to realize that he’s made a mistake. By committing fully to silence and ensuring that your boundaries are respected, you’ll give him the space to reflect on his behavior and — hopefully — return with a renewed sense of appreciation and respect for you.

      **If you want to work with me, click the link here.**