Post Category → Evolutionary Psychology

I Wanted To End My Life: How I Got Over Heartbreak In 3 Steps

How come some people take months or even years to get over someone, while others take as little as a week?

That doesn’t mean they like them any less, they just know the correct steps for a powerful mindset shift that immediately gets them over anyone no matter how long they’ve been together.

I am going to share with you a 3-step strategy that took me from wanting to end my life to wanting to live my life in only 2 weeks.

Not only that, but I will also provide you with actionable steps you can take to ensure this works for you. The only thing I ask is that you watch until the end because you must use all three steps in to get over someone in record time.

**If you’re interested in working with me, please click the link here.**

Step One: Your Acceptance Speech

This is the most cliché step, but also the most crucial, as it sets up the groundwork for the mindset shift. And that’s acceptance. Specifically, accepting you will be on this Earth but not together.

I know this isn’t easy. If you’re anything like me, your brain doesn’t shut up and listen. It likes to constantly ask, “What ifs:”

  • What if I was the problem?
  • What if I wasn’t good enough?
  • What if I didn’t do X or what if I did Y instead?

The easiest way to overcome this is to brush aside all the “what-ifs” and accept complete responsibility. That means:

  • Were you the problem? Who cares. You have to take responsibility for YOUR part.
  • Were you good enough? Who cares improve yourself anyway.
  • What if I did/didn’t do XYZ? Who cares. You probably screwed up. Focus on the future.

Dating is a game of trial and error. Please don’t beat yourself up for something inevitable.

After taking full responsibility, the next thing that helps me accept the outcome is being empathetic. This means telling yourself that “If her version of happiness doesn’t have me in it, who am I to rob that of her for my selfish gain? Do I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me?”

Is this going to hurt? You bet your sweet ass it will.

I remember trying to do this and constantly getting stuck on the fact that I wasn’t good enough and because of it, she’s with some other guy who is satisfying her and her sugarwalls.

What made it worse was how pathetic I felt. I was lying in my grandma’s basement crying myself to sleep.

It’s so much easier to accept the fact you’re not going to be together and then add the cherry on top by saying, “As long as they’re happy, I can now set off and do my own thing.”

It’s like that saying, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

I just wanted to let go completely because it gave me a definitive path to explore. Let me explain:

Let’s say you’re sick and go to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at you and is like, “Oh damn, you’ve seen better days.” “yeah no shit doc. What’s wrong with me?”

It’s very defeating if you go to the doctor, they run some tests, and still don’t know what’s wrong with you. Even if it’s bad news, it’s better to understand and to have a set plan of action than to sit around and try to figure it out.

I had reached the point where I was so exhausted that I just wanted to move on. I didn’t want to fight it anymore.

Step Two: The Eye Of The Tornado

The problem I had was that my mind was racing. I remember the first time I saw her after we split up. She had to come over for some reason. She pulled up and got out of the car. She looked amazing while I had raccoon eyes from the constant tears and sleepless nights.

She had her hair done with highlights, it was all flared out. She had this new outfit that hugged her body in all the right places. Her makeup was done. What hurt was that it required more effort than she ever put into me. She was going out that night. Come to find out, she had a date.

My mind started racing. I knew they were going to attend the bedroom Olympics, where she was gonna attempt the pole vault and he was going to run a marathon if you know what I mean. Dude coming out here looking like Steve Prefontaine with that kitty tickler mustache.

I still had vivid images of her, so I knew exactly what he would see. The only thing that went through my head that entire night was the act of them making love. I imagined every little detail: her body, breathing, moaning, the things she liked, and so on. It killed me inside. All while I was again, laying in my grandma’s basement.

I tried masking the pain, covering it up, and distracting myself. It wasn’t working. She was the first thing I thought about when I woke up and the last thing I thought about before bed. That’s when it would sneak in.

It wasn’t until I took a deep breath, laid back, and let all those thoughts happen: them screwing, us never being together, what she was up to, did she ever think about me, them ending up getting married, and so on. EVERYTHING.

Then I realized something, “This IS the worst case scenario. I am face deep into some dogshit yet still alive. It can only get better from here.

I call this the eye of the tornado because it’s hectic on the outside but when you’re in the middle of it, you see everything for what it is. You’re the front line and still alive.

What I am getting at is, stop running from it. Face your demons head-on. Let it consume you. Challenge it. You’ll still be standing. You will get over it much faster, knowing you can do so instead of always running.

Step Three: Change Your Environment

I think this is the hardest because some of us can’t do this, whether you work with the person, live with them, or they’re part of the same friend group. I understand that, but you need to change something up in your routine.

The brain loves routine, and it subconsciously anchors our thoughts to it.

For me, I changed everything. I dropped out of college, joined another, quit my job, changed my circle of friends, and deleted 90% of my social media contacts. Everything changed. Dramatic? Yes. Did it help? 100%

It’s tough to see growth and improvement when everything around you is the same: Waking up the same time every day, ordering the same coffee from Starbucks, parking in the same spot at work/school, doing the same mundane task, oh, and then you see him….great….

I love drastic changes but if you can’t do that, try some substitute without ending anything. For example, If you have the same friend group, keep your friends but find a new group too. A group that you can rely on instead of thinking, “Oh I wanna hang with Judy but John will be there.”

Man fuck John.

If you have a job, ask to be moved, work in a different area of the job, or, at best, create boundaries with him that help you mentally.

The goal is to tell the brain that there is more to life than what you’ve been living. As soon as the brain realizes this, it’s easier to step out of your bubble and feel excited for growth.

I Was Free Again!

I thought I could never get over her. I remember the first day I felt free:

I usually wake up very stressed from the night before, and my brain immediately floods me with thoughts of her that I can’t escape. I lay there waiting for them. This time, I woke up, but they never came. It was weird, but I just thought they’d eventually come later. I remember later that day I was driving the backroads to go to a friend’s house. It was summertime and humid. In Illinois, the summers are very hot and humid. Not fun. While driving there, my car broke down. I pull to the side of the road and grab my cell. No service. I sit there for a second, trying to get service before I get out of the car, because it feels like an oven. I spot a tree to my left that offers some shade. I walk over there while looking at my phone. Still no service. I start to laugh. For some reason, I wasn’t mad. I was happy. This was nothing to the pain I have been feeling for the last 7 months, and despite what’s happening, she never popped into my mind. I was content with being stranded on the side of the road. I was happy. I was going to be ok.

Again, **if you’re interested in working with me, please click the link here.**

Why If You’re Always Available, You’ll Become Forgettable To Him

“In his brain, availability is not love — it’s predictability. And predictability kills chase.”

Have you ever wondered why he starts to change once you show interest, let a guy in, or match his energy?

He was chasing you, saying he wanted to see you, and blowing up your phone. Now he’s chilling, leaning back, and you must initiate to see him. 

What gives? Why is this happening?

There is a reason for this, and we will discuss it in this article.

First, if you haven’t got my free ebook on how to raise your value in the dating market, click here, and I will send it to you.

Let’s dive in.

The Dopamine-Chase Loop

Have you ever played your favorite song on repeat only for it to lose its spark and reason you loved it so much in the first place? If so, being too available has the same effect regarding dating.

Mother Nature has a fantastic way to get us to chase our ultimate goal of survival and reproduction. Why do you think hormones like dopamine and cortisol are a thing? One drives us towards things, and the other drives us away from danger/threats.

For a man to feel high amounts of dopamine when courting and chasing a woman, he has to feel two things:

  • The reward is worth it (meaning getting you and investing is worth the cost).
  • He has to feel progression towards that goal. He has to feel the uncertainty because he doesn’t have you, but still feels he’s making progress.

While humans love reaching the goal, whether buying a home, making a certain income yearly, reaching a certain bodyweight, and so on, we always default back to normal. It doesn’t last forever. Why is that?

Because dopamine creates a moment, a feeling, and an experience, it’s not supposed to flood your body 24/7.

That’s why a dopamine-chase loop has to happen for us to be happy:

What does this mean when a man is chasing you? Well, you should always reward a guy. At the end of the day we’re not trying to play games. It’s supposed to look something like:

  • He desires you.
  • He courts you.
  • You got out with him.
  • You let time go by.
  • Repeat

The goal with all this is not to be predictable. That’s all. I don’t want you playing games. Just don’t be predictable because the uncertainty triggers the chase. The best way to put it is playful cat and mouse.

I guess a more playful way to look at it is:

  • He desires you.
  • He courts you.
  • You PLAYFULLY do some cat and mouse.
  • You go out with him.
  • You let time go by.
  • Repeat.

Playful cat and mouse is the following:

  • Always replying to his text but you don’t have to get back to him right away.
  • He should be initiating 70% while you should be 30%.
  • If you’re truly busy on a day, he suggests seeing you, so raincheck him and plan another day.

Again, the goal is playful unpredictability. If I can reach out and see you whenever I want, trust me, I naturally take you for granted. The chase isn’t there anymore. You’re my favorite song I played on repeat 100 times. 

If you want to ensure you’re so fun and awesome that he needs you in his life, check out this article.

Men Are Designed To Chase

Men are designed to bond after a chase. Not be constantly rewarded.

If a man wants a woman short-term or doesn’t see much value in investing in her, he won’t want to chase her. He would rather she just go with the flow and give him what he wants.

**If you want to know three reasons men commit to you long-term despite Mother Nature making us non-monogamous, click here.**

You’re not that type of woman though. We want men to invest and chase. We want to create some thrill.

Men are designed to chase and conquer, whether it’s resources, food, or other women. It’s deeply rooted in our DNA. A woman who makes it too easy is easily forgotten. She gets breadcrumbed in the long run.

A man should chase you, win you over, take you out on a date, he should be rewarded, and the cycle should repeat. That way, both parties are happy and their primal drivers are being met:

  • Your needs are being met because you’re being courted, valued, chased, and invested in. This is a great sign in evolutionary psychology because women want to reduce risk in choosing a bad mate.
  • His needs are being met because he’s constantly being validated in winning you over, fulfilling his desire to chase, and be rewarded for it in such a way that’s fair to him yet unpredictable.

The only thing I worry is that women take what I am saying the wrong way or do the wrong thing and think that a man must constantly court them and she’s going to play hard to get. 

No.

A man doesn’t want to work for something repeatedly, especially something he has already won. He shouldn’t get it as easily as ordering some food on DoorDash or Uber Eats. It shouldn’t be as easy as clicking a video on YouTube or Netflix. 

I guess “easy” is the wrong word because I don’t want you to make it hard. Just unpredictable. The goal is not to be taken for granted. That doesn’t mean hold out on sex, say no to a date, or leave him on “read.” Just don’t be a doormat and drop everything.

I know that while writing this article, I will get some pushback. For all the people who say this is pseudo-science, a fear tactic, and there is no need for these games, let me ask you something:

Why do you take things of even more value for granted? You take food, water, shelter, life, time, friends, family, the air you breathe, and the country you live in for granted.

It’s human nature. Our brain stores it into “autopilot mode,” where it doesn’t have to think about what to do or alter a plan to get to the destination because it has been done so many times. Just like you can daydream while driving and still get to your destination. 

I am not saying you have to do this forever. Once you’re in a relationship it should change. Until then, you need to be courted and it should be consistently.

3 Things That Make Men Commit Despite Nature Making Them Non-Monogamous?

“Men aren’t naturally monogamous — but they are strategic. Commitment happens when what you have outweighs the thrill of variety.”

Dating can seem impossible today. You may feel men want to play games and never commit. Yet, men are committing.

Why? What triggers a man to settle down instead of chasing women and constantly feeding those dopamine hits? 

It’s simpler than you think. 

In this article, I will explain men’s logical approach to dating and what makes them commit.

The Equation Of High-Value

When I talk to many clients, I tell them that attraction has layers. The more layers you’re able to cover, the stronger his feelings are going to be.

To simplify it, I put all things attraction into two categories:

  • Evolutionary desires (ED)
  • Personal desires (PD)

Evolutionary desires would be things deeply ingrained in us by Mother Nature that create a drive to seek out a partner for reproductive purposes. This would include things like:

  • Youth
  • Symmetry
  • Health
  • Overall attractiveness 
  • Childbearing cues (breast, hips, curves, ratios etc)
  • High value status
  • Loyalty
  • Tone/voice
  • Body language
  • Many other things.

When the male brain sees these traits, it focuses in and seeks out validation from that woman. But all women (to some extent) have this. So what makes a woman stand out even more? What makes a man sure he’s choosing the right woman.

That’s where personal desires come in. These traits are like icing on the cake. It’s things he likes and prefers. To go even further, consider it a way to show evolutionary desires more personally. For example, we know a man likes attractiveness (ED), but to him, that may be a woman with brown hair who is short (PD). That’s his personal (PD) view on attractiveness (ED).

Some PD include:

  • The tribe you’re in. More on this in this guide if you’re interested.
  • Personality
  • Humor
  • Style
  • Morals
  • Values
  • Belief system/mindset
  • The group you hang out in
  • Career choice
  • Passions
  • Many more

to keep this easy and sum it up, I will put all ED under “reproduction” and all PD under “Tribe.” That said, a man needs loyalty because he doesn’t want to invest in something he can lose. If we take all this, we can make a simple equation:

The more of these things someone has, the rarer and valuable they are on the market. Commitment will follow if you can find a man who aligns with you on many of these things and vice versa.

His Blueprint And The Reality Check

This goes with the above point: 

While men want something of value and rare, they also want someone to help get them where they want to go, or at least, be part of the plan. 

This is what I call the “Blueprint Versus Reality” concept:

Imagine you’re on your way to a first date with John. You liked talking to him on the phone during your several calls; you think he’s handsome and is looking for a relationship. You have this gameplan in your head on how you’d like things to go: “We’re going to meet, have a great time, laugh a lot, flirt, feel the amazing chemistry, and if he’s lucky he will get a kiss at the end and hopefully plan the second date.” Unfortunately, while daydreaming, you hit a pothole and popped a tire. You’re 15 minutes away and will be extremely late as you don’t have a spare tire. You call John and tell him and he understands but cancels the date and says we will meet up another time. Over the next week, you don’t hear much from John and start feeling him pulling back. You go out one day for lunch with a friend and you see John talking to another girl. You’re Devastated. 

Your “Blueprint” in this scenario is how you wanted things to play out with John. The reality is what you got (the unfortunate flat tire). 

The further our Blueprint (where we want to be) is from our reality (where we are), the more stress and pain we tend to feel.

Men already have this blueprint of their lives and want a woman to fit into it. He’s looking for the right woman who:

  • Compliments his lifestyle
  • Makes his life easier
  • Is a good de-stresser
  • Makes him happy
  • Satisfies his needs
  • Is an asset, not a liability

Both men and women do this subconsciously. Men do it more in terms of lifestyle, where they have this goal in life and then find a woman who fits it, where women (while also having a goal of course) focus more on a man and build a life from there. 

Men are always on the search for that “missing puzzle piece.”

Nurturing (And Motherly Traits)

From an evolutionary standpoint, men are wired to seek traits that increase their and their offspring’s chances of survival. And what signals that better than almost anything?

A nurturing, motherly woman.

“Survival” has a different meaning today than it did for our ancestors but it still comes from the same instinctive drive for safety and security. 

Back then, safety and security was having food, water, shelter, your health, and being part of a tribe. That is abundant in today’s world. That’s why we take it step further and go for things like comfort, convenience, saving resources, etc.

When you have a woman who can give you comfort and stability emotionally through nurturing traits, that’s a woman to keep.

Today, too many men and women have egos. People argue to win and not listen. People try to cut you deep to hurt you. When a man sees a woman do that, he can never commit to her long-term. It’s too much risk.

Men are looking for women who have:

  • Empathy
  • Gentleness
  • Patience
  • Affection
  • Emotional supportiveness
  • Attentiveness
  • Submissiveness (in the healthy sense)
  • Encouragement
  • Nurturing through acts of service
  • Consistency

This means, so far, if you were a woman who fulfills his evolutionary and personal desires, you fit into his lifestyle like the missing puzzle piece. You’re nurturing, you’re an extremely high-value woman.

No, you don’t have to have all of these, I am just making a list of things for each category.

Putting It Together: The Risk Of Loss

“Men don’t commit to women, they commit to bundles and good marketing.”

While this is not the sexiest quote, it’s a powerful one. Men never commit to one or two traits of a woman. They commit to the bundle of traits she has.

I call it a bundle because, if we’re being honest, humans are more complex than we can ever imagine, and not all bundles are purely good or bad. Instead, men take the good with the bad.

There is a concept called the “Margin of error,” which means we are willing to take X bad traits because Y traits are so good. It’s an overall net gain.

I am sure you felt this before, when you were talking to a man, and despite him not being the best at opening up and talking about his feelings, you saw that he was a great listener and communicator. 

All humans do this. We have to do this because no one is perfect. Therefore, men pick an amazing marketed bundle (how you carry yourself regarding confidence, looks, style, mannerisms, reactions, etc).

Because we are naturally risk-avoidant, a man doesn’t want to risk losing this bundle since he likes her and feels they’d be a good match. If he keeps you on the market, there are several reasons for this:

  • He’s unsure about you
  • He doesn’t want a relationship
  • He feels he has you and doesn’t need to commit

But men who want a relationship and women who fulfill what I listed out here usually get into relationships quickly. The whole game is a risk:

If a man doesn’t want a relationship, he will feel the risk of committing to you and breaking it off completely (because you still have assets he wants) so he will buy time and try not to put a label on it. That way he can avoid risk by having his cake and eating it too. When a man wants a relationship, he feel the risk is NOT taking you off the market because the longer you’re on there, the more options are available to you.

I know none of this sounds sexy. Even sexist to some extent (despite both men and women doing this and it’s not sex dependent, I understand), but you can’t argue with psychology. This is how many humans think on a subconscious level. 

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