Post Category → Evolutionary Psychology

5 Brutal Reasons Why Your Boyfriend Flirts With Other Women

When a client asks me, “Why does my boyfriend flirt with other women?” It’s always a complex situation that deserves a complex answer. 

There are many ways a man can do it. You can catch him on the phone, through text conversations, getting friendly with coworkers, or being overly generous with the attractive waitress.

You feel he doesn’t care and ask yourself, “Who is dumb enough to flirt with other women when you have a girlfriend?”

You’re not alone.

In this article, I am going to go over the following things:

  • What men are thinking when they flirt with other women.
  • Why men do it.
  • Why he’s so comfortable doing it to you despite you catching him.

Before we start, if you’re interested in getting my FREE 9 guides on EVERYTHING men, psychology, and dating, please check out the link here.

Your boyfriend flirts with other women because he needs different validation, he’s unsure about you, doesn’t value loyalty, is trying to fill a void, and knows you won’t do anything about it.

He Craves “Wide Lens” Validation

If your boyfriend is flirting with other girls, it’s because he seeks a lot of validation. Even if you’re an amazing girlfriend who gives him validation, it hits different getting it from multiple people.

The way I always explained this was the following:

Think of men going out and scanning for validation. Their “scanner” starts of wide. It’s set at a mode that says to get validation from the opposite sex. From there, he sets it to something with a little more precision. Something like, “get validation from women who are attractive.”

It doesn’t stop there. It keeps getting more focused and precise: “Get validation from women who I find attractive and who are attracted to me.”

You get the idea.

It eventually goes laser-focused: “Get validation from women who I find attractive, are attracted to me, want a relationship, and are part of my tribe.”

It should look like this if a man likes you, sees you long-term, wants your validation, and so on. However, if he’s flirting with other women, his scanner isn’t that narrow or focused and there can be reasons for that.

Check out my articles:

This leads us to the next thing on why he’s flirting with other women.

He’s Unsure About The Future

There is no reason for your boyfriend to flirt with other women if he’s:

  • Sees you long-term
  • Sure about you
  • Things are going well (in his mind)
  • You’re the best option he can get
  • He’s happy

If one of those things are off, he’s looking elsewhere. Here is what I know:

If a man truly values you and the relationship that much and he knows it bothers you that he’s flirting with other women, he is putting everything at risk when as a species, we are naturally risk-avoidant.

This means he doesn’t care about losing you, fear losing you (more on this), feel he can get better, or doesn’t value the relationship near as much.

Humans are programmed to look for the best option. Statistically, the odds that we find the “perfect person” are almost zero but I don’t mean your actual best probable partner. We are completely happy with someone we have grew very attached and fond of.

But if you’re talking to a guy who flirts with other women, I would start to question that bond you two have or at least, how he perceives it.

You may say, “Elliot, it’s not that serious. He’s not cheating-cheating. He’s just flirty. It’s his personality.”

And I have two things to say to that:

  • If he’s not cheating, what’s the issue?
  • If it’s his personality, again, what’s the issue?

What I am getting at is stop downplaying it and justifying that you have a boyfriend who flirts with other women. If it bothers you that’s enough. You need to voice your concern.

In fact, that’s part of the problem.

You Won’t Do Anything About It

While you may voice your concerns, you don’t do anything about it. That’s no different than a mother threatening to get off the couch and spank her kid if he keeps acting up but never gets off the couch.

He knows he can push your buttons without any consequences.

This ties everything together we talked about so far:

If he’s unsure about you and risk-averse, he will want to entertain other options without the cost of losing you. But if you show him you’re not going anywhere, what’s the risk of him entertaining others? It’s win/win for him.

While it is wrong what he’s doing, it doesn’t matter because he’s doing it anyway. He’s justifying it as being innocent or nothing is going to happen.

The woman who falls for this and voices her concern but shows no action will run into these problems.

I live by a powerful quote: “Without structure, there is chaos.” This is one of the strongest quotes ever because it can be applied to almost anything, but almost everything in the universe has structure.

if you’re talking to a guy who is unsure about you, feels it’s okay to flirt with other women, and you don’t check him, you’re just as much of the problem. He may be doing the wrong thing, but you’re enabling it.

It is time to cut that dude off:

He Doesn’t Value Loyalty And Trust

Some people are damaged. They can be good partners in some areas but horrible in others.

If you’re boyfriend likes to flirt with other women, he probably doesn’t value loyalty and trust. Instead, he justifies it.

He tells you:

1. “I’m just being friendly.”

Translation: He’s downplaying it to avoid accountability. Men hate confrontation and accountability. Don’t let him diguise flirting as kindness. There are plenty of ways to be kind and not flirt.

2. “It doesn’t mean anything.”

Translation: He wants to enjoy the ego boost without taking responsibility for how it affects you. If it doesn’t mean anything, why does he feel good doing it and why can’t he just give it up then?

3. “You’re overreacting.”

Translation: Classic gaslighting. Instead of addressing the behavior, he’s flipping the script. He’s out.

4. “I would never cheat on you.”

Translation: He’s giving you validation to continue his charades instead of just stopping.

5. “That’s just how I talk to people.”

Translation: He flirts habitually and doesn’t want to change. He’s not taking responsibility. He’s telling you to accept him for who he is.

6. “You know I love you.”

Translation: He’s trying to emotionally manipulate you into letting it slide.
Love is not a free pass to disrespect your boundaries.

7. “I didn’t even notice I was flirting.”

Translation: He may actually be unaware — but that’s why you’re telling him. If he continues, he knows what he’s doing.

8. “She started it.”

Translation: He’s deflecting responsibility.

9. “You’re the only one I want to be with.”

Translation: He wants reassurance without adjusting his behavior. He’s just feeding you validation again.

10. “I can’t help it if people like me.”

Translation: He’s enjoying the attention and pretending to be the passive, yet he still entertains it.

If a man constantly gives you these excuses, he will not change.

To Fill A Void

Some men flirt with multiple women because they’re trying to fill an emotional void. They couldn’t care less about having a relationship with the woman.

 Flirting gives them a quick ego boost when they feel insecure, lost, or not good enough.

There is some truth to the theory of large numbers:

The more women flirt with him, the more validation he gets. If he gets enough, it suppresses his insecurities because he has enough evidence that he’s desired.

This is also why men keep flirting when they know they shouldn’t. The value they get from it feels too good that it’s not worth giving up.

He may justify this with the fact that he knows he’s not going to cheat or leave you. He sees it as a way to fill a void you don’t understand.

That doesn’t mean he should do it but that’s why he does it.

You may ask, “Why can’t he get that from me?”

Several reasons:

  • You may not be giving it.
  • It’s nice to get it elsewhere. Getting from the same person constantly loses its spark.
  • As much as he may like you, you’re only one person, and while that’s enough, to an emotionally unavailable guy, it’s not.
  • Sometimes men feel that you’re being nice or supposed to say that. But when we get it from a “third-party,” it hits differently.

Either way, if you’re talking to a guy flirting with women, call it out and do something about it. If he can’t fix his problems, I’d find a new guy because it’s not going to change.

  • If you want to work with me
  • If you want my free guide on being high value

5 Must-Have Things That Make Men Commit To You And Want To Be Your Boyfriend.

“Want to learn how to get a boyfriend? Understand psychology. Men commit to what Mother Nature has instilled in us to chase.”

If you want to guarantee that a man commits to you and becomes your boyfriend long-term, you must do the things I break down in this article.

As a dating coach, I have helped thousands of women get into relationships because I teach this one thing:

Evolutionary psychology. In this article, you’re going to learn:

  • What men want and why.
  • The best ways to present these things.
  • What prevents men from jumping into relationships.

If you want to become a high-value woman during all this and 10x your chances of him committing to you long-term, I highly suggest you get my free high-value guide here.

Men Commit To Attractiveness And Sexual Compatibility

This one is a given, but I want to explain why you cannot bypass this.

 No matter how amazing your personality is or how many things you have on this list, if you’re talking to a man who doesn’t have sexual compatibility with you or find you highly attractive, you will never get a long-term commitment. 

This is not up for debate. This is not one of those things where I am wrong and men want different things. This has repeatedly been proven in many studies and research from top evolutionary psychologists such as David Buss.

Attractiveness is always top 2 trait (if not number one) across cultures, races, and background that high-value men desire. If he doesn’t find you attractive you might as well cut your losses and move along.

a paraphrased quote from David Buss’s book “The Evolution Of Desire:”

“Men have evolved preferences for youthful features because youth correlates with fertility. These preferences are universal and found across cultures.”

Men (and women) are highly attracted to a “freshness” look:

  • Bright eyes, clear of redness.
  • Lack of visible bags and tiredness in and under the eyes (which I am guilty of having, omg).
  • Overall look of good health: nice clear skin, healthy weight in healthy BMI ranges.
  • White teeth.
  • Full lips.
  • Full set of hair with volume.
  • Facial symmetry and harmony.

Freshness is related to youth. Therefore, the fresher you look, the naturally younger you look, which is what men want.

Why?

It relates to reproduction, which is the goal Mother Nature instilled in us. 

In the book Dataclysm, you can see a chart that compares what men of each age finds attractive versus what each age of women finds attractive:

The top box is a woman’s preference for a man’s attractiveness associated with age. As you can see, for the most part, it follows the diagonal line, which means women find men who are closely related to their age attractive.

The bottom graph shows a man’s attractiveness preference and her correlation to age. Youthful-looking women will always win in a man’s eyes. 

High Assets, Low Liabilities: The Perfect Bundle

To keep this simple, men commit to women with high assets and low liabilities:

Assets: Traits and characteristics men love that get him closer to his goal of survival and reproduction.

These things include:

  • Attractiveness
  • Loyalty
  • Personality
  • Humor
  • Nurturing
  • Support
  • Trust
  • Libido
  • Connection
  • Communication
  • Same goals and values
  • And Many other things.

Liabilities are the opposite. 

Liabilities: Traits and characteristics men try to avoid as Mother Nature deems these as a threat or risk to survival and production.

These things include:

  • Unattractiveness
  • Disloyalty 
  • No chemistry or connection
  • High-Maitanance
  • Dramatic
  • Lack of trust
  • Takes a lot of resources
  • Low libido
  • Unnurturing
  • Different goals and values
  • And much more

Here is the trick: All men and women have assets and liabilities. It’s the bundle of them that matters.

This is what I call the “cost” of the assets. Are the liabilities that come with the assets worth the cost?

If so, you have a guy who likes you, is willing to invest, and see where it goes. If not, you’re talking to a guy who is going to try to have his cake and eat it too:

  • Try to get the assets without paying the cost (not committing).
  • Men who play games to avoid the assets.
  • Men see you short-term.

Men Commit To Women Who Are The Best Option

To take this a step further, humans want to commit to what they believe is the best option for them. There are several ways to do this:

  • Build a deep and emotional connection that he can’t imagine having with someone else. You can learn how to do that here.
  • Be so awesome that he needs you in his life. Read about that here.
  • Understand what a “perfect” or “best” option looks like.

Those are in parentheses because it’s unrealistic, as no one is perfect. 

However, I still decided to put it in this article because the concept is important and it let’s us know what we can improve on to be better partners to the ones we love and more valuable on the dating market.

Here is the equation:

This may turn you off or seem repulsive but trust me, you have to start looking at yourself as a brand and market it as such.

My biggest pet-peeve in dating is when people get turned off by this perspective just because we’re talking about humans and emotions. If we weren’t, it would literally be the same thing.

The more you study evolutionary psychology and people’s reactions, you will realize there is no difference. 

Humans are designed to chase assets and avoid liabilities. Humans are designed to chase things that have value. “He needs to like me for me,” is not a thing. Men know better than you what they like. You’re irrelevant to what men desire. You either have it or you don’t.

What person wouldn’t want a product they feel they need and has this equation:

The better you are at marketing this as a man and woman, the better you will do in dating. I have done this for ten years and all the science points to it.

You may feel it’s different because emotions are involved and we are “pass that” in the modern day but that’s not true. Not one piece of literature proves that. 

You’re still a slave to what Mother Nature wants. You might as well go with it instead of going against the grain. 

Men Commit To You If You Make Life Easier

We gravitate towards people who make our lives easier. We want people who make us happy, laugh, and make the day-to-day struggle/grind a tad bit easier. 

This is just logic: No one wants to commit to someone who makes their life worse.

Certain traits men are looking for with this are:

  • Live a peaceful life. Humans hate drama. I am not saying you cause the drama (he could) but just try to avoid it as much as possible. 
  • Radiate positive energy. We love energy and it is indeed contagious. 
  • Add small comforts. Nothing is better than talking in the morning over a coffee, coming home and smelling freshly cooked brownies, or taking care of something he was stressing over.
  • Support his purpose. Men have missions and if he has a strong purpose, it’s the center of his day/life. Support it instead of what many people do and make him choose.
  • Believe in him — especially when he doubts himself. Men want that woman in his corner. The one who believes him when he’s down. The one who sticks by his side no matter what. Something like this woman after he loss his fight. 
  • You two should have space. The best couples are the ones who have a life together and a life apart. You value what you have more as a couple while feeling free to do what you love.

    Progression Towards “Completion” 

    Because our natural instinct is to survive and reproduce, we have this obsession with progression and completion. 

    Personally, I get uneasy or even depressed when I don’t feel progress in life or have a goal I am working towards. I feel useless. I am willing to bet you feel off a little too at times.

    If a man feels like he can progress with you, you will stick out from the competition. 

    That means:

    • He feels like you two are after the same goal.
    • He’d like you by his side along the ride.
    • You make life more fun and enjoyable.
    • You’re that missing puzzle piece men are looking for.
    • He feels he can completely become his authentic self with you by his side

    “Completion” is subjective but for many of us, it’s where we see ourselves in five, ten, or forty years. I explained this in a lot of my material but it’s the concept “Blueprint versus reality.”

    To keep it simple, your “blueprint” is where you see yourself in X years and the path getting there. your “reality” is where you are and current gameplan. The further those two things are from each other, the more stress we naturally feel.

    This means if we find someone who is a variable that gets us to where we want to be — whether that’s finding the right woman for an amazing relationship, someone who will be by my side as a fun travel partner, or the mother of my future children, a man is more likely to take this woman off the market.

    This article here can help you become that type of woman. This guide can go into detail on exactly what men commit to. 

    I Wanted To End My Life: How I Got Over Heartbreak In 3 Steps

    How come some people take months or even years to get over someone, while others take as little as a week?

    That doesn’t mean they like them any less, they just know the correct steps for a powerful mindset shift that immediately gets them over anyone no matter how long they’ve been together.

    I am going to share with you a 3-step strategy that took me from wanting to end my life to wanting to live my life in only 2 weeks.

    Not only that, but I will also provide you with actionable steps you can take to ensure this works for you. The only thing I ask is that you watch until the end because you must use all three steps in to get over someone in record time.

    **If you’re interested in working with me, please click the link here.**

    Step One: Your Acceptance Speech

    This is the most cliché step, but also the most crucial, as it sets up the groundwork for the mindset shift. And that’s acceptance. Specifically, accepting you will be on this Earth but not together.

    I know this isn’t easy. If you’re anything like me, your brain doesn’t shut up and listen. It likes to constantly ask, “What ifs:”

    • What if I was the problem?
    • What if I wasn’t good enough?
    • What if I didn’t do X or what if I did Y instead?

    The easiest way to overcome this is to brush aside all the “what-ifs” and accept complete responsibility. That means:

    • Were you the problem? Who cares. You have to take responsibility for YOUR part.
    • Were you good enough? Who cares improve yourself anyway.
    • What if I did/didn’t do XYZ? Who cares. You probably screwed up. Focus on the future.

    Dating is a game of trial and error. Please don’t beat yourself up for something inevitable.

    After taking full responsibility, the next thing that helps me accept the outcome is being empathetic. This means telling yourself that “If her version of happiness doesn’t have me in it, who am I to rob that of her for my selfish gain? Do I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me?”

    Is this going to hurt? You bet your sweet ass it will.

    I remember trying to do this and constantly getting stuck on the fact that I wasn’t good enough and because of it, she’s with some other guy who is satisfying her and her sugarwalls.

    What made it worse was how pathetic I felt. I was lying in my grandma’s basement crying myself to sleep.

    It’s so much easier to accept the fact you’re not going to be together and then add the cherry on top by saying, “As long as they’re happy, I can now set off and do my own thing.”

    It’s like that saying, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

    I just wanted to let go completely because it gave me a definitive path to explore. Let me explain:

    Let’s say you’re sick and go to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at you and is like, “Oh damn, you’ve seen better days.” “yeah no shit doc. What’s wrong with me?”

    It’s very defeating if you go to the doctor, they run some tests, and still don’t know what’s wrong with you. Even if it’s bad news, it’s better to understand and to have a set plan of action than to sit around and try to figure it out.

    I had reached the point where I was so exhausted that I just wanted to move on. I didn’t want to fight it anymore.

    Step Two: The Eye Of The Tornado

    The problem I had was that my mind was racing. I remember the first time I saw her after we split up. She had to come over for some reason. She pulled up and got out of the car. She looked amazing while I had raccoon eyes from the constant tears and sleepless nights.

    She had her hair done with highlights, it was all flared out. She had this new outfit that hugged her body in all the right places. Her makeup was done. What hurt was that it required more effort than she ever put into me. She was going out that night. Come to find out, she had a date.

    My mind started racing. I knew they were going to attend the bedroom Olympics, where she was gonna attempt the pole vault and he was going to run a marathon if you know what I mean. Dude coming out here looking like Steve Prefontaine with that kitty tickler mustache.

    I still had vivid images of her, so I knew exactly what he would see. The only thing that went through my head that entire night was the act of them making love. I imagined every little detail: her body, breathing, moaning, the things she liked, and so on. It killed me inside. All while I was again, laying in my grandma’s basement.

    I tried masking the pain, covering it up, and distracting myself. It wasn’t working. She was the first thing I thought about when I woke up and the last thing I thought about before bed. That’s when it would sneak in.

    It wasn’t until I took a deep breath, laid back, and let all those thoughts happen: them screwing, us never being together, what she was up to, did she ever think about me, them ending up getting married, and so on. EVERYTHING.

    Then I realized something, “This IS the worst case scenario. I am face deep into some dogshit yet still alive. It can only get better from here.

    I call this the eye of the tornado because it’s hectic on the outside but when you’re in the middle of it, you see everything for what it is. You’re the front line and still alive.

    What I am getting at is, stop running from it. Face your demons head-on. Let it consume you. Challenge it. You’ll still be standing. You will get over it much faster, knowing you can do so instead of always running.

    Step Three: Change Your Environment

    I think this is the hardest because some of us can’t do this, whether you work with the person, live with them, or they’re part of the same friend group. I understand that, but you need to change something up in your routine.

    The brain loves routine, and it subconsciously anchors our thoughts to it.

    For me, I changed everything. I dropped out of college, joined another, quit my job, changed my circle of friends, and deleted 90% of my social media contacts. Everything changed. Dramatic? Yes. Did it help? 100%

    It’s tough to see growth and improvement when everything around you is the same: Waking up the same time every day, ordering the same coffee from Starbucks, parking in the same spot at work/school, doing the same mundane task, oh, and then you see him….great….

    I love drastic changes but if you can’t do that, try some substitute without ending anything. For example, If you have the same friend group, keep your friends but find a new group too. A group that you can rely on instead of thinking, “Oh I wanna hang with Judy but John will be there.”

    Man fuck John.

    If you have a job, ask to be moved, work in a different area of the job, or, at best, create boundaries with him that help you mentally.

    The goal is to tell the brain that there is more to life than what you’ve been living. As soon as the brain realizes this, it’s easier to step out of your bubble and feel excited for growth.

    I Was Free Again!

    I thought I could never get over her. I remember the first day I felt free:

    I usually wake up very stressed from the night before, and my brain immediately floods me with thoughts of her that I can’t escape. I lay there waiting for them. This time, I woke up, but they never came. It was weird, but I just thought they’d eventually come later. I remember later that day I was driving the backroads to go to a friend’s house. It was summertime and humid. In Illinois, the summers are very hot and humid. Not fun. While driving there, my car broke down. I pull to the side of the road and grab my cell. No service. I sit there for a second, trying to get service before I get out of the car, because it feels like an oven. I spot a tree to my left that offers some shade. I walk over there while looking at my phone. Still no service. I start to laugh. For some reason, I wasn’t mad. I was happy. This was nothing to the pain I have been feeling for the last 7 months, and despite what’s happening, she never popped into my mind. I was content with being stranded on the side of the road. I was happy. I was going to be ok.

    Again, **if you’re interested in working with me, please click the link here.**

    Why If You’re Always Available, You’ll Become Forgettable To Him

    “In his brain, availability is not love — it’s predictability. And predictability kills chase.”

    Have you ever wondered why he starts to change once you show interest, let a guy in, or match his energy?

    He was chasing you, saying he wanted to see you, and blowing up your phone. Now he’s chilling, leaning back, and you must initiate to see him. 

    What gives? Why is this happening?

    There is a reason for this, and we will discuss it in this article.

    First, if you haven’t got my free ebook on how to raise your value in the dating market, click here, and I will send it to you.

    Let’s dive in.

    The Dopamine-Chase Loop

    Have you ever played your favorite song on repeat only for it to lose its spark and reason you loved it so much in the first place? If so, being too available has the same effect regarding dating.

    Mother Nature has a fantastic way to get us to chase our ultimate goal of survival and reproduction. Why do you think hormones like dopamine and cortisol are a thing? One drives us towards things, and the other drives us away from danger/threats.

    For a man to feel high amounts of dopamine when courting and chasing a woman, he has to feel two things:

    • The reward is worth it (meaning getting you and investing is worth the cost).
    • He has to feel progression towards that goal. He has to feel the uncertainty because he doesn’t have you, but still feels he’s making progress.

    While humans love reaching the goal, whether buying a home, making a certain income yearly, reaching a certain bodyweight, and so on, we always default back to normal. It doesn’t last forever. Why is that?

    Because dopamine creates a moment, a feeling, and an experience, it’s not supposed to flood your body 24/7.

    That’s why a dopamine-chase loop has to happen for us to be happy:

    What does this mean when a man is chasing you? Well, you should always reward a guy. At the end of the day we’re not trying to play games. It’s supposed to look something like:

    • He desires you.
    • He courts you.
    • You got out with him.
    • You let time go by.
    • Repeat

    The goal with all this is not to be predictable. That’s all. I don’t want you playing games. Just don’t be predictable because the uncertainty triggers the chase. The best way to put it is playful cat and mouse.

    I guess a more playful way to look at it is:

    • He desires you.
    • He courts you.
    • You PLAYFULLY do some cat and mouse.
    • You go out with him.
    • You let time go by.
    • Repeat.

    Playful cat and mouse is the following:

    • Always replying to his text but you don’t have to get back to him right away.
    • He should be initiating 70% while you should be 30%.
    • If you’re truly busy on a day, he suggests seeing you, so raincheck him and plan another day.

    Again, the goal is playful unpredictability. If I can reach out and see you whenever I want, trust me, I naturally take you for granted. The chase isn’t there anymore. You’re my favorite song I played on repeat 100 times. 

    If you want to ensure you’re so fun and awesome that he needs you in his life, check out this article.

    Men Are Designed To Chase

    Men are designed to bond after a chase. Not be constantly rewarded.

    If a man wants a woman short-term or doesn’t see much value in investing in her, he won’t want to chase her. He would rather she just go with the flow and give him what he wants.

    **If you want to know three reasons men commit to you long-term despite Mother Nature making us non-monogamous, click here.**

    You’re not that type of woman though. We want men to invest and chase. We want to create some thrill.

    Men are designed to chase and conquer, whether it’s resources, food, or other women. It’s deeply rooted in our DNA. A woman who makes it too easy is easily forgotten. She gets breadcrumbed in the long run.

    A man should chase you, win you over, take you out on a date, he should be rewarded, and the cycle should repeat. That way, both parties are happy and their primal drivers are being met:

    • Your needs are being met because you’re being courted, valued, chased, and invested in. This is a great sign in evolutionary psychology because women want to reduce risk in choosing a bad mate.
    • His needs are being met because he’s constantly being validated in winning you over, fulfilling his desire to chase, and be rewarded for it in such a way that’s fair to him yet unpredictable.

    The only thing I worry is that women take what I am saying the wrong way or do the wrong thing and think that a man must constantly court them and she’s going to play hard to get. 

    No.

    A man doesn’t want to work for something repeatedly, especially something he has already won. He shouldn’t get it as easily as ordering some food on DoorDash or Uber Eats. It shouldn’t be as easy as clicking a video on YouTube or Netflix. 

    I guess “easy” is the wrong word because I don’t want you to make it hard. Just unpredictable. The goal is not to be taken for granted. That doesn’t mean hold out on sex, say no to a date, or leave him on “read.” Just don’t be a doormat and drop everything.

    I know that while writing this article, I will get some pushback. For all the people who say this is pseudo-science, a fear tactic, and there is no need for these games, let me ask you something:

    Why do you take things of even more value for granted? You take food, water, shelter, life, time, friends, family, the air you breathe, and the country you live in for granted.

    It’s human nature. Our brain stores it into “autopilot mode,” where it doesn’t have to think about what to do or alter a plan to get to the destination because it has been done so many times. Just like you can daydream while driving and still get to your destination. 

    I am not saying you have to do this forever. Once you’re in a relationship it should change. Until then, you need to be courted and it should be consistently.

    3 Things That Make Men Commit Despite Nature Making Them Non-Monogamous?

    “Men aren’t naturally monogamous — but they are strategic. Commitment happens when what you have outweighs the thrill of variety.”

    Dating can seem impossible today. You may feel men want to play games and never commit. Yet, men are committing.

    Why? What triggers a man to settle down instead of chasing women and constantly feeding those dopamine hits? 

    It’s simpler than you think. 

    In this article, I will explain men’s logical approach to dating and what makes them commit.

    The Equation Of High-Value

    When I talk to many clients, I tell them that attraction has layers. The more layers you’re able to cover, the stronger his feelings are going to be.

    To simplify it, I put all things attraction into two categories:

    • Evolutionary desires (ED)
    • Personal desires (PD)

    Evolutionary desires would be things deeply ingrained in us by Mother Nature that create a drive to seek out a partner for reproductive purposes. This would include things like:

    • Youth
    • Symmetry
    • Health
    • Overall attractiveness 
    • Childbearing cues (breast, hips, curves, ratios etc)
    • High value status
    • Loyalty
    • Tone/voice
    • Body language
    • Many other things.

    When the male brain sees these traits, it focuses in and seeks out validation from that woman. But all women (to some extent) have this. So what makes a woman stand out even more? What makes a man sure he’s choosing the right woman.

    That’s where personal desires come in. These traits are like icing on the cake. It’s things he likes and prefers. To go even further, consider it a way to show evolutionary desires more personally. For example, we know a man likes attractiveness (ED), but to him, that may be a woman with brown hair who is short (PD). That’s his personal (PD) view on attractiveness (ED).

    Some PD include:

    • The tribe you’re in. More on this in this guide if you’re interested.
    • Personality
    • Humor
    • Style
    • Morals
    • Values
    • Belief system/mindset
    • The group you hang out in
    • Career choice
    • Passions
    • Many more

    to keep this easy and sum it up, I will put all ED under “reproduction” and all PD under “Tribe.” That said, a man needs loyalty because he doesn’t want to invest in something he can lose. If we take all this, we can make a simple equation:

    The more of these things someone has, the rarer and valuable they are on the market. Commitment will follow if you can find a man who aligns with you on many of these things and vice versa.

    His Blueprint And The Reality Check

    This goes with the above point: 

    While men want something of value and rare, they also want someone to help get them where they want to go, or at least, be part of the plan. 

    This is what I call the “Blueprint Versus Reality” concept:

    Imagine you’re on your way to a first date with John. You liked talking to him on the phone during your several calls; you think he’s handsome and is looking for a relationship. You have this gameplan in your head on how you’d like things to go: “We’re going to meet, have a great time, laugh a lot, flirt, feel the amazing chemistry, and if he’s lucky he will get a kiss at the end and hopefully plan the second date.” Unfortunately, while daydreaming, you hit a pothole and popped a tire. You’re 15 minutes away and will be extremely late as you don’t have a spare tire. You call John and tell him and he understands but cancels the date and says we will meet up another time. Over the next week, you don’t hear much from John and start feeling him pulling back. You go out one day for lunch with a friend and you see John talking to another girl. You’re Devastated. 

    Your “Blueprint” in this scenario is how you wanted things to play out with John. The reality is what you got (the unfortunate flat tire). 

    The further our Blueprint (where we want to be) is from our reality (where we are), the more stress and pain we tend to feel.

    Men already have this blueprint of their lives and want a woman to fit into it. He’s looking for the right woman who:

    • Compliments his lifestyle
    • Makes his life easier
    • Is a good de-stresser
    • Makes him happy
    • Satisfies his needs
    • Is an asset, not a liability

    Both men and women do this subconsciously. Men do it more in terms of lifestyle, where they have this goal in life and then find a woman who fits it, where women (while also having a goal of course) focus more on a man and build a life from there. 

    Men are always on the search for that “missing puzzle piece.”

    Nurturing (And Motherly Traits)

    From an evolutionary standpoint, men are wired to seek traits that increase their and their offspring’s chances of survival. And what signals that better than almost anything?

    A nurturing, motherly woman.

    “Survival” has a different meaning today than it did for our ancestors but it still comes from the same instinctive drive for safety and security. 

    Back then, safety and security was having food, water, shelter, your health, and being part of a tribe. That is abundant in today’s world. That’s why we take it step further and go for things like comfort, convenience, saving resources, etc.

    When you have a woman who can give you comfort and stability emotionally through nurturing traits, that’s a woman to keep.

    Today, too many men and women have egos. People argue to win and not listen. People try to cut you deep to hurt you. When a man sees a woman do that, he can never commit to her long-term. It’s too much risk.

    Men are looking for women who have:

    • Empathy
    • Gentleness
    • Patience
    • Affection
    • Emotional supportiveness
    • Attentiveness
    • Submissiveness (in the healthy sense)
    • Encouragement
    • Nurturing through acts of service
    • Consistency

    This means, so far, if you were a woman who fulfills his evolutionary and personal desires, you fit into his lifestyle like the missing puzzle piece. You’re nurturing, you’re an extremely high-value woman.

    No, you don’t have to have all of these, I am just making a list of things for each category.

    Putting It Together: The Risk Of Loss

    “Men don’t commit to women, they commit to bundles and good marketing.”

    While this is not the sexiest quote, it’s a powerful one. Men never commit to one or two traits of a woman. They commit to the bundle of traits she has.

    I call it a bundle because, if we’re being honest, humans are more complex than we can ever imagine, and not all bundles are purely good or bad. Instead, men take the good with the bad.

    There is a concept called the “Margin of error,” which means we are willing to take X bad traits because Y traits are so good. It’s an overall net gain.

    I am sure you felt this before, when you were talking to a man, and despite him not being the best at opening up and talking about his feelings, you saw that he was a great listener and communicator. 

    All humans do this. We have to do this because no one is perfect. Therefore, men pick an amazing marketed bundle (how you carry yourself regarding confidence, looks, style, mannerisms, reactions, etc).

    Because we are naturally risk-avoidant, a man doesn’t want to risk losing this bundle since he likes her and feels they’d be a good match. If he keeps you on the market, there are several reasons for this:

    • He’s unsure about you
    • He doesn’t want a relationship
    • He feels he has you and doesn’t need to commit

    But men who want a relationship and women who fulfill what I listed out here usually get into relationships quickly. The whole game is a risk:

    If a man doesn’t want a relationship, he will feel the risk of committing to you and breaking it off completely (because you still have assets he wants) so he will buy time and try not to put a label on it. That way he can avoid risk by having his cake and eating it too. When a man wants a relationship, he feel the risk is NOT taking you off the market because the longer you’re on there, the more options are available to you.

    I know none of this sounds sexy. Even sexist to some extent (despite both men and women doing this and it’s not sex dependent, I understand), but you can’t argue with psychology. This is how many humans think on a subconscious level. 

    • If you want to work with me.
    • If you want my free guide on being high value.
    • If you want my nine guides on everything dating.