Post Category → Your Tactics

5 Sneaky Ways You Can Instantly Become Mysterious That Makes A Man Chase You.

“Men are wired to pursue what they can’t fully understand.”

If you want to lure men in, make them invest twice as much, and chase you until the very end, being mysterious is one of the best ways.

It is in a man’s DNA to chase women he likes but is unsure where he stands in their eyes. Being mysterious isn’t a complex trait to master. If you adjust a couple of things we will discuss in this article, you can instantly become more mysterious to men. This will cause them to:

  • Chase
  • Invest
  • Ask complex questions
  • Be more consistent
  • put more effort in overall

If this sounds interesting to you, let’s dive in!

If you’re interested in a FREE guide on ways to dramatically increase your value in men’s eyes. Click the link here or the image below.

Understand Indicators Of Interest

When I was a freshman in college, I got my heart broken. It was bad. I couldn’t eat, sleep, think, and I had to push everything away from me (friends, job, dropped out of college, etc) just to function.

During this time, I started looking up articles on “how to get an ex back” which caused me to go down a rabbit hole. I came across a lot of PUA (Pick Up Artist) material and they talked about a concept called IOI (Indicator of Interest)

These signals a woman gives — consciously or subconsciously — suggest she’s attracted to or intrigued by a man.

In my case, I was giving off ALL the IOIs, and she wasn’t giving off any. The dynamic was clear: I was too eager, available, and invested while she laid back and looked at me as this predictable (and pathetic) puppy that didn’t arouse or interest her.

IOIs are extremely important. They tell someone how interested you are and with that knowledge someone can adapt a gameplan to better save on resources such as time, energy, effort, money, etc and most importantly, avoid risk of getting hurt, over investing, or choosing the wrong mate.

In your case, you want to limit IOI or at least, mix this with IOD (Indicators Of Disinterest) to prevent a man from doing the following:

  • Feeling he has too much power
  • Getting too comfortable
  • Feeling he has you
  • Feeling it’s okay to take risk in putting you on the back burner and talking to other women
  • Getting comfortable to disrespect you or push your boundaries

When you mix IOI and DOI, you throw a man off a little. If you don’t show IOI as readily as you use to, he doesn’t have a clear path on what to do next.

Here is a list of IOIs that people show. I will list out Verbal and Non-Verbal:

Verbal IOIs

  • You ask questions to keep things going.
  • You laugh at their jokes, even the dumb ones.
  • You tease them or give a cute nickname.
  • You throw in too many compliments. The more personal, the more interest
  • You bring up something they said earlier.
  • You ask how they feel about you.
  • You tell them you like them
  • You say you’re not talking to anyone else or have an exclusive talk

Nonverbal IOIs

  • You play with your hair.
  • You’re only hooking up with them.
  • You give them more chances than they deserve.
  • You put up with their BS and let them back in.
  • You copy their body language.
  • You lean in or touch lightly.
  • You hold eye contact.
  • You bump into them or don’t move away.

While showing these aren’t bad, it depends on the person receiving them. If you’re talking to a good guy who is emotionally available and on the same page as you, these aren’t a problem. He’s not going to take advantage of you.

However, if you’re talking to someone who is unsure about a relationship, or just wants your assets, he will probably take advantage of the fact and take you for granted.

Here is a list of DOI you can use to balance it out:

Verbal Indicators of Disinterest

  • You give short, one-word answers.
  • You don’t ask anything back.
  • You don’t laugh at their jokes.
  • You change the subject quickly.
  • You avoid giving compliments.
  • You don’t talk about feelings.
  • You don’t react to specific things meant to get a reaction out of you.

Nonverbal Indicators of Disinterest

  • You avoid eye contact.
  • You don’t initiate.
  • You make him chase.
  • You don’t put up with bullshit.
  • You both keep options open.
  • You’re not outcome dependent
  • You lean away or keep distance.
  • You don’t smile or react much.
  • You keep your arms crossed.
  • You pull back when touched.

In my experience, doing all this is too “gamey” and he will know you’re playing games. I feel what’s best is to remain mysterious instead of trying to throw a concoction of “signs” for him to interpret. I am just listing this because it’s a fundamental concept to understand if you have never heard of it, because you’re doing a huge majority of these things subconsciously.

If you want an amazing article on power dynamics in a relationship so you never get taken advantage of and know what he’s doing, check it out here.

Adapting A “Premise” Mindset

To dive deeper into the above point of IOIs, there is this concept that goes along with it very well called “Intent Versus Premise.” If you want a deeper dive on power dynamics and this concept specifically, I highly recommend you check out my nine-series of guides here.

I want to give you a scenario that will drive the concept home:

Let’s say you’re a manager having open interviews, and a guy walks in. You look at him and say, “You’re our guy. You’re exactly what we’re looking for. You will probably get the job because we desperately need to fill this role anyway,” and then start the interview.

In terms of power, how do you think the interview will go? What about negotiations? What will you say when he negotiates salary? You gave up too much power and revealed your cards early on.

On the other hand, let’s say you’re giving interviews for a job, and he’s one of many people who come in and want this competitive position you’re offering. He knows it’s open for grabs. However, he has to compete with other qualifying prospects.

Which scenario is better for you? The first or the second one? The second.

The first scenario is what we call intent: We’re entering a situation with a preference toward a particular person who will fill the slot you’re looking for and that you want him and no one else to do so. Your actions, words, and gameplay reflect that your intentions are clear and that you want him.

The second scenario, where the person has to fight for the position, is called premise: We’re entering a situation with a goal in mind, but not sure who will fulfill that goal.

In dating, this will look like the following:

  • “I want you no one but you to be my boyfriend and I am not talking to anyone else. I am exclusive to you and only sleeping with you” (You intend to make him your boyfriend).
  • “I am looking for a serious relationship and dating with the goal of finding the right guy” (this is a premise because the ultimate goal is to find a relationship and someone to fill that role).

Why is this important:

Because of what we discussed in the previous point: As soon as the person knows you intend to date them and you’re not talking to anyone else, you’re opening yourself up to getting taken advantage of.

This doesn’t mean you have to play hard to get, be a bitch, or anything like that. Just be cautious of what you’re doing.

Here is a spectrum of things you do that shows premise versus intent:

The goal of this article is to be mysterious and not to play games. I am just pointing all this out for you two to consciously see what you’re doing (and not doing) and how it comes off to him. You’re good as long as you’re not doing the things that make you seem like you’re intentionally trying to make him your boyfriend.

Here is an amazing article on why men will never commit to you if you’re hopeful. Please, do not do the things I mention here or it ruins your chances.

Following The 70/30 Rule

I am a believer that men should court women. If you’re not getting courted, you already lost. It’s in our DNA to court women. Mother Nature designed men to chase and court women.

That said, I feel women get the wrong idea on courtship. They think they’re the prize and don’t have to lift a finger. Since both sexes try to avoid risk, a man will immediately drop a woman once he senses that he has to invest everything in her before she returns the favor fully.

This is going to be a very harsh reality and it’s going to feel like a personal attack but it’s not. It’s just the reality:

You’re not that special. No man or woman is. You’re extremely replaceable (early on) and there will always be a better option out there statistically for you and for him.

Do not think a man is obligated to invest in you at any time. He chooses to then you choose to let him.

Despite all this, a man is the primary suitor and has to court women due to the Parental Investment Theory, which states:

How the sex that invests more in offspring (typically women) is choosier when selecting a mate. In dating, this means women are biologically wired to look for partners who offer safety, resources, and long-term value — because their reproductive cost (pregnancy, child-rearing) is higher. Men, who invest less biologically, are more likely to pursue quantity over quality unless a woman signals she’s worth long-term commitment.

For a fair balance so both parties are happy, I have adopted the 70/30 rule in a lot of my teachings.

Simply, a man does 70% of the planning, initiating, etc and a woman does 30% in the form of a reward. For example:

He should be initiating 70% of the text. This means you respond to every text. But you also initiate 30% of them to show you’re interested too.

If he plans the first 2–3 dates, there is nothing wrong with you reaching out and saying, “This weekend is hectic and I need a break. Do you want to catch up and have a quick coffee tomorrow?”

The reason this is crucial is humans want to feel wanted. A man’s brain starts flashing red lights when he’s investing in a woman, doing it consistently, doing everything correct, but she’s showing no feedback or interest.

I remember dating a woman who when I texted or asked her out, she always replied or agreed to the date. We’d even have amazing times on the date. But if I never reached out, I’d never hear from her. It killed the attraction.

This works great with being mysterious because:

  • You’re never doing more than him.
  • You’re being more reactionary than chasing (beause he’s doing it more and he’s doing it first.
  • You’re never doing too much and making it obvious you like him more than he does you. you’re playing within the parameters.

Being Playful To Avoid Direct Answers

As soon as you tell a man early on:

  • I like you a lot.
  • I am only talking to you.
  • I never do this. I’ve only done this with you.
  • I am afraid of getting hurt.

Or anything along those lines, you lose. Talk about killing attraction and mystery.

A better way to go about it is to be fun and flirty. Tease him and see how he handles it. If he asks what you think about him, don’t just say, “I like you and I like where this is going,” instead, say something along the lines of:

  • “I think you’re great but…(use a playful contrast to counter the compliment)”
  • “You’re fun but also trouble.”
  • “Let’s just say you’re climbing the ranks.”

If he persist, just give him a straight answer. It kills more attraction to constantly beat around the bush than it does just being upfront.

However, the reason I am telling you to be playful is not only does it build attraction and mystery, but it also avoids what I call concrete statements.

These are statements that only have one meaning. They’re not ambiguous or have double meaning. What you say is what you get. When you say things like:

  • I like you.
  • I am only talking to you.
  • I want a relationship with you.
  • I deleted the dating app.
  • I see you long-term and potential.

There are no other ways to decipher these than what is being said. When you’re playful and indirect, it tells him that you’re interested based on the context you two have created up to this point. For example, you’ve gone on several dates, laughed, had a good time, and built some rapport. By giving an indirect answer, you’re being playful, which universally symbolizes interest without saying, “Hey, I am definitely into you.”

I only ask you to be consciously aware of how much you’re doing it. Zoom out and look at the bigger picture:

  • Am I being too mysterious?
  • Am I playing too hard to get?
  • Is layering all these concepts together too much?
  • Do I always give a playful answer when he’s asking questions and never be direct?

Too much is unattractive. He is asking for an answer, after all. Just use your best judgment.

Controlling The Pace (To A Degree)

There is one crucial reason why you want to control the pace:

If you don’t, he will. It’s in our nature because it benefits us. Everyone I know who has watched that Adam Sandler movie “Click” wishes they had the remote to bypass certain times in their life. It’s no different in dating.

As you can probably tell up to this point of the article, men really want your validation. They want signs you’re interested to keep the ball moving. Why do you think men lovebomb you?

Sure, some of it’s due to insecurity, being emotionally unavailable, and other psychological factors. But it’s also to see where you stand and to fast-forward through all the investing to get the prize.

In a nutshell, humans want things now. Instant gratification has existed since the beginning of time and our brain is programmed to find patterns to get it soon/easy as possible.

The pattern in our situation is if a man can lovebomb you or increase the pace and sees that you’re going along with it, why not do it? Why not go faster? He’s going to bypass when he’s at a disadvantage (investing in you with uncertainty of getting the prize) and then slow it down once he gets the prize to marinate in the fact that he has access to the prize.

It looks something like this:

Men will always try to rush it past courtship and slow it down after sex but prior to a relationship. That’s where it will benefit him the most.

As long as we’re going at a normal pace, we’re good.

A 3-Step Framework To Becoming A High-Value Woman In Dating

“To the right man, a high-value woman is a challenge, a reward, and a worthy investment worth making.”

Value is the single most crucial factor on the dating market. The problem is that women perceive value differently from men. Women THINK they know what men want and then focus on being high value based on what they want, will tolerate, and so on.

That’s the worst way to go about building value in dating. The best way to create value is the following:

While this isn’t an article on knowing what men want, you can find all that information in this nine-part series guide here.

Am I going to get a lot of pushback in this article? Maybe. Just know nothing is personal and I have your best interests in mind. It’s all from an evolutionary psychology perspective.

Value Isn’t Something You Switch On and Off

While I NEVER want to tell a woman what to do with her body, to ignore consequences and expect men to fall in line is delusional. 

Value is not something you turn on and off based on your needs and wants. It’s something you are based on what you provide and how men percieve it in the SMP. This goes both ways.

By definition, you cannot be valuable if no one values it. Only in rare and objective cases such as a cure for a disease that we don’t know about does this matter. 

Let me give you a controversial example of what I mean:

I know many women over the years who will have a FWB, fling, or even make the mistake of sleeping with a guy early on. She will say I don’t have feelings for this guy, cravings that need to be met, and wants to have a little fun. She sleeps with a guy. 

Then another guy comes along that she likes and sees a potential relationship with. All of a sudden she makes this guy work, invest, take her out, and holds out on sex. 

Wait what? Sorry, that’s not how it works. If you’re selfish, sure. But not for the best of both parties.

Let me tell you something you’re not going to like: If any man finds out that you’re easy sometimes but not all the time, he’s never going to invest in you long-term. It doesn’t make logical sense. Men will think:

So you’re telling me because you like me more and I am more of a potential partner that I have to invest and prove myself more than guys who are half my caliber? Yeah, no sorry.

I am not saying you can’t have fun. I am not saying you can’t slip up. But if a man finds out you have many partners and not many long-term relationships, it won’t go well.

What women don’t understand is value is a two way street. We perceive your value, you uphold it.

Meaning, you don’t get to tell us what we perceive as valuable. When we see value, we invest in it. It’s your job to ensure you get the most out of it by upholding your value.

Value is a mindset first. You must have prize mentality. It should always be turned on. 

You Understand The Give And Take Dynamic

The best negotiators aren’t people who get the most bang for the buck in a negotiation, it’s the people who negotiate where everyone can win.

The biggest problem (from both sides) I see in dating is a very intrinsic, self-centered view on dating. You will only win in dating when both sides are happy with what they’re getting.

I love how men think a couple of dates make him a candidate for sleeping together, and I love when women think the average man is down for building chemistry for 2 months and a relationship in order to sleep with him.

Can this happen for either party? Of course, we see it all the time, but it’s still uncommon. This is due to our duty to avoid-risk.

Men don’t want to go all in with women they haven’t had an intimate relationship with. Men know women are completely different before, during, and after sex. At the same time, I understand women not wanting to sleep with a man prior to a relationship in case that’s all he was after.

Obviously communication is key but difficult to get consistently and to the level that makes you feel comfortable. I am not saying you have to sleep with a man to get a relationship and I am not saying men have to invest heavy every single time he finds a woman attractive. There is a middle ground set by you two and a certain amount of trust you have.

I tell my clients all the time there four categories that we have to progress evenly for both parties to be happy:

  • Consistency
  • Touch
  • Logistics
  • Conversation

If they’re not all progressing, there is a chance conflict may occur. Here is a sample of what I mean:

Everyone will be happy if you’re progressing the relationship and communicating. Again, value is based on what people want and desire, not what you think you’re worth. That’s upholding the value. 

You’re Not For Everyone. You’re For Someone

Let me give you a valuable piece of advice in dating:

Niche down for an ideal guy and niche down your criteria so you’re looking for a perfect guy. Then expand from there if you need to.

Let me explain.

I have so many women who come to me and say, “Me and Johnny have such amazing chemistry and the sex is great. I know he finds me attractive and we can talk for hours. I don’t know what the problem is.”

The problem is that what you and Jonny have is what he has with every woman. Attractiveness and chemistry are prerequisites. They’re mandatory for any two people talking. You have to have more.

Men are looking for that X factor. That thing that makes you stick out from the rest. You want the perfect guy and he’s looking for the perfect girl. That is someone who fits each other’s lifestyle, personality, values, long-term goals, balances out each other’s traits (for example, he’s always anxious but you’re level-headed), and so on.

Men are looking for five things in a woman:

  • Attractivess
  • The best option he can get
  • Lots of assets with minimal liabilities
  • His life is better with you in it than without 
  • You make him want to be a better person

As soon as men find that, they’re going to commit. To start this, you must be part of a person’s tribe. If you want to learn exactly what men want, please check out this guide here.

But to keep it simple:

A tribe is a group of people that have the same common sense of belonging to a particular group whether that’s truth passion, mindset, values, and so on.

For example:

  • People who want to raise their kids and household with the same values in mind.
  • Nerds who are introverted and love video games and anime.
  • Both of you love to travel and explore the world not because it’s fun but it’s a deep philosophical reason that gives you meaning and purpose. As if the meaning of life is to explore and experience life itself.

Agian, I go into much more detail on how to be that perfect person for someone in my guide here. It’s too complex of a concept to put in a single article.

The more you’re part of a person’s tribe with traits he desires, the more your value in the dating market will rise. You want to be the perfect person for someone, not everyone. By doing this, you can ask for a lot more from someone because he is willing to invest and see you in the long term. Someone like you would be hard to come by again.

How To Get Him To Regret Everything By Correctly Acting Cold

“You don’t need revenge. Coldness lets karma do all the work.”

If you want him not only to regret losing you, but to squirm and come crawling back, I’ve got some good news for you.

Getting a man to regret losing you is easier than you think. Once you understand the psychology behind regret and what prevents men from regret, you will see a clear (and scientific) path to him having second thoughts.

In this article, I am going to break everything down:

  • The psychology of regret
  • His thoughts
  • The different “types” of cold

The Psychology Of Regret: What’s He Thinking?

Here is an easy way to think about regret:

Regret involves two things: Self-blame and missed opportunity. As soon as we can create those two variables, things will fall into place.

This is easier said than done, but it’s a start. This is why the first thing I tell a lot of my clients is YOU must create this missed opportunity. Sitting around waiting, hoping, and breadcrumbing each other only makes the process longer (and you pay the cost).

That’s why the first thing we must start to drill into his mind is the concept of loss aversion:

Loss aversion is a psychological principle that explains why people feel the pain of losing something more intensely than the pleasure of gaining something of equal value.

The problem is that if you’re NOT acting cold, we can never trigger this. Instead, what will happen is he’s going to feel comfortable breadcrumbing you (knowing you’re not going anywhere) while entertaining something new.

It’s only when he realizes he has to give up one for another that he has to make a choice. We’re trying to create a scenario where he makes a choice. Could he choose to leave and be gone forever? Sure, and it will suck but it’s a choice.

Regret is self-inflicted. He can’t regret anything if he can’t reflect. He can’t reflect if he didn’t make a mistake. He can’t make a mistake if you never leave.

The Four-Stage Process Men Go Through To Regret

Men don’t just regret their decision once they make it and there is a reason. He has a narrative in his head already. He looks at what I call “the variables” and explains why he feels he should leave. 

Variables can be many different things:

  • How do you two get along?
  • Are you what he’s looking for?
  • Do you fight often?
  • Do you want the same thing?
  • Did you give him the ick?
  • Does he feel he can get better?
  • Are you not his type? Are you from the same “tribe?”

Many things. But once he has enough of these variables, his brain looks for the exit strategy. That’s where these stages come in.

Stage One: Current Mood

When you start being cold (we will explain what that is and means), he will have different ways of interpreting your actions. The top three are usually:

  • “I don’t care/just leave me alone.” He could be feeling this because there is a reason why he’s pulling away and acting differently, which is why you did NC in the first place. It’s fresh to him so it hasn’t hit him yet.
  • He may try to negotiate to keep you around: He may realize he was taking you for granted or getting a worse deal now that he lost you and may not be talking to anyone else. This comes from the guy who likes you but can’t commit for whatever reason. It could be he’s emotionally unavailable, newly single, etc. This is the most common mindset. This happens in quadrant two.
  • His ego is involved, so he calls your bluff: He may try to make you jealous, not react at all, or wait you out. It doesn’t matter because you need to stick to your decision.

I want to give you pinpoint accuracy on which mindset your guy has by you pulling away. However, I want you to understand this:

You’re not going to see the results right away from NC. It can take months and consistency before you see anything. No earlier than 1 month and around 3 months.

“Why does it take so long?”

Because he’s in the mindset of not wanting a relationship, taking you for granted, lack of attraction, etc, which caused you to go cold in the first place. Just because you’re cold doesn’t mean it immediately changed.

It takes time because he has variables that created a narrative in his head that it’s best to leave.

Stage Two: He’s Adapting To The New Outcome

You have him starting to live a life without you. He still has the same mindset he had previously; he’s just living it to see if it’s the right move. 

This is an essential step for you to understand because if you were someone who always gave him chances, came back, gave him the benefit of the doubt, or let this bullshit run for too long, this step may take a while. How long? I am not sure. It could be a couple of months. 

We must hold our ground here. Let me go. He’s going to call your bluff. In his mind, he still has you if HE wants you.

Men must go through two levels of realization before realizing you’re gone:

  • He believes he calls the shots. He’s the one who left and you showed him a bunch of variables that you like him and want it to work out. He thinks he just has to show up, say a couple things, and you’ll let him back in.
  • If you hold your ground long enough though, things start to change. He starts to think, “Oh shit, maybe she’s serious.” and that’s the first signs that creep into his brain that he messed up.

Here is how his mindset works in terms of the two steps. Again, it can only be based on evidence:

When enough time goes by, he will reflect.

Stage Three: He Starts To Reflect

The reason he’s always going to reflect is he wants to avoid regret. He knows what it’s like with and without you and as I said earlier:

  • Is he blaming himself?
  • Did he feel he missed out on a good thing/opportunity?

If we can create this, we can create regret. By the way, I have a No Contact guide that goes into more detail if you’re interested. Just click here.

He will start to reflect and ask himself:

  • Was it worth it?
  • Are the assets worth the cost of a relationship?
  • Did I take her for granted?
  • Was she one of the best options I had, and I am just a moron?
  • Were the assets worth the cost?
  • Was I happier when she was around?
  • What do I want? Am I even sure what I want or am I just afraid?

Being cold allows him to ask himself these questions, process his feelings, and make a decision. This is usually when he is alone, whether in bed, watching TV, sitting at home on a Saturday night, bored at work, or driving. 

This brings us to the last step.

Stage Four: Is He Going To Act On It?

He may return if he realizes he is a fool and has a good thing. If he wanted a relationship and took you for granted, you may hear from him soon. 

Just because he’s back and talking to you doesn’t mean you win. It doesn’t even mean anything has changed. Yeah, he could have missed you. He realizes you’re an awesome-ass chick and that’s hard to come by. But is he going to commit? Has he changed due to reflecting on the situation?

Men never jump from “not being sure about you” to automatically “wanting to commit.” He’s going to see what he can get first. It’s all a negotiation. But never give him anything unless he commits.

Being Cold The Right Amount

Many people may feel you’re either cold or you’re not. While I do agree with this for the most part, I do want to mention some caveats that I think are important:

  • Please don’t use being cold as a tactic to get him back. You must communicate your boundaries, what you’re looking for, the problem, and a solution. Only when you can’t meet in the middle/come up with a solution, should you start being cold.
  • Cold is more of a last resort toward things. It’s not something you do to get a reaction out of him or play a game. If he is being cold, voice your concerns. If we can’t change the situation, pull back and respect your own boundaries.
  • Being cold isn’t a tit for tat. You’re not doing it to get payback or regain power. Although, those will naturally happen. Instead, it’s something you must commit to.
  • All types of cold have you pulling back, putting in minimal to no effort, and respecting your boundaries. The difference really is based on the situation you’re in and how horrible he disrespected you.

With that being said, let’s discuss the three levels of cold:

Neutral Cold

This is based strictly on circumstances such as co-parenting, being a coworker, part of the same friend group and so on. It’s where you feel neutral about the situation and realize that it’s better to be cordial instead of a bitch.

In this state, you’re:

  • Never directly engage unless you have to.
  • Never alone with him.
  • Never entertain him or have conversations (unless others are around).

Icy Cold

In this stage you’re essentially done with his bullshit unless he steps up. In this stage he more than likely:

  • Ghosted
  • Plays too many games
  • Took you for granted
  • Pulled back
  • Was inconsistent
  • And so on

However, the difference here is that it wasn’t all bad, and there were good times. You also hear from him semi-often, where you get the breadcrumb text or hear from him immediately.

Unfortunately, for him, that’s not enough and he needs to do a lot more than that. We listed our standards and boundaries. He’s not listening. Here is what Icy Cold looks like:

  • Not answering shit.
  • Not looking at anything (social media, post, text, etc).
  • NEVER initiating. The only reason we respond is if he’s blowing up our stuff saying he 1) misses us and wants to talk 2) realizes he screwed up and wants a relationship. That’s it.

Extreme Cold

He might as well be dead to you. You ain’t answering shit. Ever. Go to this stage if:

  • He extremely disrespected you. Especially if you gave him multiple chances.
  • He crossed a major boundary.
  • The relationship was toxic and he gaslights the shit out of you.
  • He’s a narcissist and/or manipulator. 
  • You decide you don’t want him at all and are happier without him.

No matter what level of coldness you choose, it has to be enough where he’s not getting ANY assets or benefits from you. In fact, he needs to feel he’s lost some. He then needs to be convinced (this takes time) that you’re actually done with him.

I don’t think any dude is worth this effort. God forbid you want consistency and transparency. If a guy can’t give you that, I say you just go cold and call it a day. 

Power Dynamics And How Single Women Can Get Men Obsessing Over Them

A woman needs to be courted. I know times are changing, and men aren’t what they used to be, but I believe we can keep the tradition of a man taking a woman out on a nice date, getting to know her, and building something special.

I know the truth. Men DO want to court you. They want to court the right woman. In this breakdown, we are going to make men court you like you’re a damn queen.

In This Article:

  • Giving/taking power and respect. We will discuss how the person with and without power perceives power. This is crucial in maintaining power.
  • The transition of power. We will discuss how power is transitioned between two people in good and bad ways.
  • How it plays out. The power needs to be played out correctly or you can go down a bad path that’s impossible to come back from.
  • Negotiation of power and respect. A lot of power is negotiated. What you allow and don’t allow in your situationship dictates how the game is played.

**If you’d like to work with me or get my guides, please click the link here.**

Giving And Taking Power

Let me tell you something about power that you may disagree with:

Power is given and taken away based on whether someone wants you to have it or not.

I know that may not sound like the definition of power (or the exact opposite), but hear me out. In dating, if someone does not want you to have power, they don’t have to agree to the “frame” you’re creating and/or play the game you want them to play. They can leave, and the interaction is over.

This would be the best move for them since sticking around would be a lose/win situation, and leaving would be a lose/lose situation.

This means that for power to work in one’s favor, one should be willing to give a lot back. Everyone should benefit. Let me give you an example.

If we take a king in power over a country, don’t you think that king will do well if the citizens prospered from the king being in power? Because of this, the people will:

  • Think highly of the king
  • Vote for the king again
  • Show loyalty
  • Have a like-bias towards them
  • Trust the king
  • And so on

They want to give power to the king because he’s responsible, and the payoff is that the people do well.

On the other hand, let’s say the king was horrible like some past leaders. Sure, they can entice fear and make people do things, but it’s almost like walking on eggshells. The people:

  • Don’t trust him
  • Want him out
  • Plan to assassinate him
  • Want to dethrone him
  • Find power elsewhere
  • Leave the country

It’s just a matter of time before something happens. That’s how history plays out, at least.

So, what does this have to do with you and dating?

A lot! No one will cave into the other (unless manipulated) if they feel they’re being taken advantage of by giving the other person respect and power.

This means men are going to be hesitant in courting you if:

  • They feel you’re using sex as a bargaining chip
  • Not serious about them
  • Playing hard to get
  • Not showing appreciation for their investment
  • You’re not reciprocating

This sounds like common sense, and you’re thinking, “Okay, Elliot, I don’t do this, though.” But it’s not about if you do it or not. It’s about if he believes you’re doing it. That’s a big difference.

From my experience as a coach, I talk to thousands of women a year on the phone, and when they tell me their problems, something like this always comes up. Remember, neither you nor he plays the perfect game. We constantly make mistakes.

With that being said, you probably don’t wanna give a guy power if:

  • You feel he wants sex
  • He’s taken you for granted
  • He’s not investing enough
  • You think he thinks he has you
  • He’s talking to multiple women

To dive even deeper on this subject, it’s important to know why one of you would want to keep power versus giving it up. By the way, if someone does not give it up, it’s a huge red flag.

We want to hold onto power to avoid RISK!

Here is what happens when he has power:

As you can see, he’s avoiding risk, and you’re taking a lot of risk here. You’re chasing a guy and seeking validation at the risk of him not even committing! That’s not good. No one wants to be in that situation.

Let’s look at when the roles are flipped, and you have power:

Now, he’s seeking validation and having to invest when he doesn’t know you will hook up or choose him.

The secret here with power is two things:

  • Trust: Do I trust you with the power? Do I trust things will be good when you have it?
  • What’s in it for me? If both parties win, a transition of power is fine.

Okay, so what are you telling me to do?

When he has power, see how he uses it. If he takes advantage of you while he has it, you must call his bluff and/or leave. You cannot stay! It will make it worse!

If you have power, ensure you’re not still “playing games” because men will pick up on it and take it personally. You’ll fall for him and give him power back and then he will hold onto it as much as possible.

But if trust and shared benefits are involved, both should be okay.

The Transition Of Power

After reading everything above, you’re curious about when power transitions and how to know when you have it. That’s what we are going to break down here.

First off, what I am about to tell you is NOT set in stone. it’s not permanent. It’s more of a “rule of thumb” when the game is played correctly but can always change.

If you want to know how has TRUE power, remember this:

“Power is who can do less and get the same outcome.”

This means if you’re sitting on your ass and having a man chase, you have power. If he’s relaxing while you’re freaking out and in your head wondering where this situationship is going, he has power.

Of course, we don’t want this to happen no matter who has power because then it gets stagnant and you lose all momentum toward it moving into a relationship.

What is most important to understand is who has the power, when it transitions, and what to do when you have the power.

To help demonstrate this, I made a little design:

Let me now explain why each of you has power in these situations:

First Meeting: It’s neutral power because the dynamic hasn’t been set up yet. The game hasn’t been played yet. However, I think good framing can make the difference here and get one of you off on the right foot. If you want to know more about this, please check out my guide on power.

Framing a relationship: You have the power here because you DO NOT move forward unless he says, “I am looking for a relationship.” If you do, you automatically lose because you made a blunder. More on that later on. Think of it as a horrible negotiation if you continue without him saying he’s on the same page as you.

Courtship: You have power for several reasons. For one, you’re “doing less” and getting the same outcome. You’re not putting anything up for risk because there is nothing to lose here. On the other hand, he has something to lose because he’s investing in you without knowing if you’ll choose him and continue.

At this point and further, you will realize something that is NOT a coincidence: Whenever someone does or doesn’t have power, you will see them adapt to what’s happening. For example, when the woman has power, she will slow it down and have the guy prove himself, whereas the guy will want to move fast, love bomb you, and try to have sex as soon as possible. I am sure you have had this happen plenty of times.

On the other end, when he has power (after hooking up), you want to speed things up by getting validation and security, wanting him to invest, clarity, and hope that he’s still on the same page as you. He on the other hand slows it down by chilling, relaxing, not immediately getting back to you, and so on.

That is why the first portion of this article is so important. If you trust each other, want the same thing, and both parties benefit, this trade-off isn’t as scary as it may seem.

Sex: Here a man has power because you’re giving up a very important asset that makes you vulnerable and gives him power.

After Sex: He is going to have a lot of power after sex because this is the valuable asset you should only be giving to men that you care about. He has it, and it will be difficult for a woman because you’re putting all your trust in a man right before the relationship.

Relationship: While you would think you’d both have power here, especially if you wanted the same thing, you have power because in the perfect world, he would be able to have his cake and eat it too. This isn’t the most optimal sexual strategy for men. What is optimal is a man who gets the benefits of a relationship without being in one. I’m not saying you should do that, but that’s what HIS best move is.

Consistent Sex In A Relationship: He gets sex and you get the relationship so both people are benefitting from the relationship. Yes, I know there is more to a relationship than sex. Yes, I know men want more than sex. That doesn’t matter. It’s what Mother Nature wants and decides.

Power Sequence And How It Unfolds

This is a difficult concept to explain, but I will try my best using pictures, examples, and analogies.

When it comes to power and respect, a lot of people look at it linear like they do with, let’s say, working out:

“Oh man! I had such a horrible day of eating. I feel like I made all this progress and am now moving backwards. I have to jump back on the program and keep moving forward.”

They think of it as one-dimensional. They’re either moving forward or backward:

While there is some truth in this thought process, it’s limited.

Instead, power needs to be seen like chess. In chess, if you make one move over another—let’s say you decide to move the Queen instead of your Bishop—the way that game unfolds is entirely irrelevant to each other. They’re two completely different games now with two different outcomes.

The best way to explain it is to imagine opening another alternate universe and version of yourself.

If we use the example of you sleeping with a guy too early as the “move/mistake” you make, there is now a way the game unfolds with you sleeping with a guy versus you not sleeping with him. It’s not linear thinking like, “Oh I slept with him. I need to play the game correctly to get my power back.”

No. That’s not how it works. In chess, we call this a blunder.

Blunder: A mistake/wrong move that dramatically decreases your chances of winning a game.

Yes, you still need to play the game correctly. Not for the reason you think. It’s not to gain power back. It’s to take advantage of the opportunity when he makes a mistake.

The thing is, he may not make a mistake as great as your blunder. Everyone makes mistakes. No one (not even me) plays the perfect game. You have to play better than your opponent. But if you make a blunder, it’s hard to recover from.

So why am I telling you all this? What does it have to do with the article?

Up to this point, we talked about wanting to give someone power, both sides benefitting, and transitioning power.

It’s difficult for someone to transfer power to you when you give them such a huge advantage.

If you sleep with me early, I cannot hand you the power back. You may say that this is all games and if someone liked you this wouldn’t be happening. That’s true. But several things:

  • It’s early on. You’re not even official yet, so their liking you enough just to make a mistake like you did isn’t part of the picture yet.
  • You don’t know what type of guy this is. You don’t know what he wants, his intentions, and what he’s about. It’s better to play the safe game and watch it unfold.
  • A lot of people don’t think about power this way. This is more subconscious. People think about pleasure and benefits. For example, I am not thinking, “How do I hold onto this power.” Instead, I am thinking, “I want to have sex again.” My actions will show this and when you give me a lot of power, I am going to try to have sex with you again because why not? We did before so why not again? You’re not going to like how this plays out, obviously.

Again, no one can play the perfect game. The key to a good game is prevention and to play as tight a game as possible.

If you want it to transition towards a relationship, neither of you must make blunders. That can hold things up.

For example, if he makes a colossal mistake and forgets you had plans Saturday night, you will pay him for it. You will make him invest more, prove himself, and show consistency before sleeping with him. It would look like this:

Of course, you could make a mistake along the way which gives him power back:

Negotiations: The Number One Way You Lose/Gain Power

When going through the journey of casual to committed, you want to make sure the game is played fairly. While transitioning power, you want to make sure the “Deal” is good and things run smoothly toward the goal of a relationship.

That can only happen if you know the deal you’re signing. I call this the Negotiation:

Some women don’t realize the situations their actions (or lack of) put them in. I have had clients come to me and say, “I have no idea why I keep getting myself in these situations. What am I doing wrong?”

Sometimes, it’s hard to figure out what you’re doing wrong. Let me give you a great example.

You and a guy you’re in a situationship and were intimate with are cuddling and you decide to turn to him and ask, “Hey I like you, this is fun, I feel a great connection, and want to know what you think. I want something more.” You just started a negotiation.

The thing you’re negotiating is a relationship. Let’s say he comes back with, “That is awesome. I like you too. I think you’re amazing. However, I am not looking for something serious right now. Maybe in the future.” He just renegotiated.

The next step is where women get in trouble. She doesn’t leave. She sticks around, hoping that things are going to change. She holds onto his statement of “Maybe in the future” and continues the situationship that turns into an FWB. She loses power here.

Why?

There are several reasons why she lost power:

For one, he makes the call now. She’s waiting on HIM to make the call for a relationship. He’s calling the shots and if she’s waiting around, it’s on his watch and he will take his time. This is a mistake according to everything we have discussed up to this point in the article.

Sometimes, the most vital position in a negotiation is where you’re willing to walk away and mean it.

Secondly, the power sequence we talked about earlier was wrong. She should have initially discussed what she was looking for and stated that she sought something serious before progressing forward.

Thirdly, she negotiated herself in a worse position. He knows she wants a relationship; she’s sticking around hoping for one, continuing to give him the benefits, and she made a huge blunder. He just has to play the game without making a huge blunder now, and she wins.

Sadly, this is how dating is. There is a saying I always tell my clients:

Dating is transactional. Love is where we make the sacrifices.

What I mean by this quote is that dating is transactional. It involves a lot of give-and-take while building attraction and minimizing risk. No one will sacrifice their health, happiness, and peace of mind for someone they are not in a relationship with. Sacrifices are made only in a relationship because we are a team, and I care about you enough to keep you afloat.

That is why you need to look at dating as a negotiation. You can be fun, flirty, relaxed, open up, and sexual…to an extent.

Ask yourself these questions:

  • Am I losing power with these moves?
  • Is he gaining power unnecessarily?
  • Do I trust him?
  • What position does this leave me in?

I wanted to discuss everything in this article before this section. There is NOTHING wrong with being in the worst position, losing power, and giving him power if you’re on the same page, trust him, and know he’s earned it and has lost power to you before.

Give in a little if he’s been a good guy and courted you. Just don’t fuck your sequence up and sleep with him early. That’s a big blunder that is hard to come back from.

Almost everything is a negotiation because the little variable of everyday options/choices you have leads to the bigger picture (context). Let me give you an example.

If you agree to have a guy come over and watch a movie for the second date, that may not be something many people do, but it’s not necessarily a bad move. Let’s say you two just cuddled and made out.

This negotiation is because you agreed to let him come over versus taking you out.

Remember the power sequence we talked about earlier? You’re creating two alternate “games of chess” again:

Again, it’s bigger-picture thinking. Coming over and cuddling isn’t a bad thing. It’s how the sequence unfolds to where your actions indicate you’re okay with this, WHICH MEANS you negotiated yourself into this position. Does that make sense?

That is how women fall into horrible negotiation traps and lose power.

If you’re interested in navigating the modern dating market, understanding men, and getting into a relationship ASAP, click here to see my methods for helping my clients.

Get My Guides Here

Why This 5 Step Process Is The Best Way To Filter Men Who Won’t Commit.

A man who won’t commit is ultimately a waste of time.

Nothing is worse than wasting your time and energy on someone who can’t give you anything in return. They drain you. They take everything from you and leave you with nothing.

It’s exhausting and it’s all because you wanted to give this guy a shot. Or better yet, you didn’t do your homework and filter him correctly.

As a dating coach of 10 years, 99% of the time, the guy gives off clear signs that he won’t commit. When I hear my clients’ stories, I pick it up in the first five minutes on what happens and why. Men ALWAYS give clues. You just have to be good at reading what’s being said.

If you’re a woman who is afraid/tired of:

  • Getting hurt
  • Wasting her time
  • Getting played
  • Opening up
  • Being strung along

My 5-step filtering process will help you save tons of time dating the wrong men.

Why This Process Works

I know men. I know how they play the game, their shortcuts, and the tricks they pull over your eyes.

Men are extremely good at luring you in and making you feel you’re the luckiest woman on Earth. This isn’t always bad. Despite what you may think, just because it didn’t turn out well and he’s the one who ended it, doesn’t mean he had ill intent.

For a large majority of men, I feel they have good intentions. I don’t think they’re lurking in the shadows waiting to find their perfect victim. Instead, I feel they’re talking to a girl they like but unfortunately, they get in their own heads, are emotionally unavailable, and can’t deliver on the promise. I’d say men are more irresponsible than deceitful.

And this is precisely why my process will work:

I know when these men are likely to fold despite having good intentions. It sneaks up on them out of nowhere, just like his behavior change blindsided you. I know and can predict accurately if this behavior change will occur.

It’s not as simple as other coaches make it. “If he does X then you do Y. And If he does A you need to do B.” My approach considers the pitfalls that will hurt you later on down the road and specific critical filters for men who want to hook up or are emotionally unavailable.

I put together a time-tested process I have used for ten years with my clients. The better you are with it, the better you can eliminate 99% of the problem men in the dating market.

By the way, if you want to work with me, figure out where your guy stands, read his mind, or fix your situation, please get a session with me. I’d love to work with you.

The 5-Step Process To Filter Men

Here are some things to know about this filtering process:

  • These steps stack. Meaning, he has to pass all of them! I don’t care if he passes a majority of them. He has to pass all unless you decide to make an executive decision and feel it’s okay to continue.
  • Emotions must be put aside. I am not saying I want you to be robotic without emotion. I want you to understand how biased we are when emotions are involved. When you go through the steps and he fails, look at it logically and then try to work through the matter. If you feel you’re using emotions such as, “But I like him,” you must stop and not move forward until you fix it logically.
  • It isn’t your job to fix, justify, or help him. Women wonder why they keep attracting men or getting in the same situations. It’s because they have a leaky filter. They will see a problem but help the guy “bypass her security” by justifying his actions, such as saying he’s busy and tired, as the reasons why he’s not making an effort.

Let’s jump into the 5-step filtering process!

Step One: Ask him what he’s looking for from the VERY BEGINNING.

I know this sounds like common sense and you may think it’s a weak first step because he can lie to your face, but you must do this. Here are a few reasons why:

  • If he does lie about it, at least you know he’s in the wrong and a piece of shit. This is much better than having the discussion 4 weeks later, where you can’t hold him accountable because you didn’t add purpose to the interaction. This is a top way men get away with shit. You can’t say he’s leading you on if you never talked about what you two are looking for.
  • It’s better to frame that you two are working towards a relationship instead of “going with the flow.” Men get free range if there is no structure.
  • I am a brilliant dating coach. I am thinking ahead. The real reason I want you to ask this question is CONTEXT.

For those who do not know, context is what you two do and say over time, creating a serious vibe within the relationship. Anything from texting, hooking up, future planning, pace, consistency, serious conversations, etc, falls under this category.

Context is neutral. This means it’s good if you two are on the same page. You want context as it lets you know we agree on where this is going, getting validation, and progressing. It isn’t nice if you two want different things, because as context builds, he will feel he’s leading you on, resulting in him pulling away.

That is why it makes sense to mention that we’re looking for a relationship. It lets him know we’re dating with intent and not to waste our time.

Step Two: Do your “detective work.”

Doing your detective work was a phrase I coined that essentially means to look at his dating history. There are three things I am trying to find out in particular, as they are the most common variables I see when a man is emotionally unavailable and doesn’t commit. Those things are:

  • One: How long has he been single? Something isn’t adding up if he’s single too long (3 years or longer) and says he wants a relationship. Trust me, it’s not “I haven’t found the right girl.” On top of that, if he’s been single for that long, the odds that you’re the girl to come in and change that are extremely rare.
  • Two: Was he cheated on in his last relationship? Men who were cheated on in their previous relationship rarely commit to the following women they’re dating. More often than not, this man is emotionally unavailable and thinks getting the benefits of a relationship without actually being in one is better.
  • Three: Has he ever had a serious long-term relationship? If you’re talking to a guy in his 30s and he’s never had a serious relationship or a guy in his 40s who has never been engaged, you won’t get anything out of these men. Again, there are reasons I ask these three questions. I see them come up time and time again as patterns of men who don’t commit.

If you want to dive deeper into things that matter less but are still important, you can look at what I call the “logistics:”

  • How far apart do you live? More than an hour, statistically, chances go down (that’s an actual stat).
  • How did he answer the “What are you looking for?” question? Only accept, “I want a relationship/am looking for something serious.”
  • His dating experience. Too much or too little is a bad sign. Men with too little but are starting to date women will want to keep dating. On the other hand, if he has too much and is still single, he will want to keep dating.

Step Three: Is he consistently investing his resources over time?

You probably discovered that men are good at lovebombing or at least, front-running their effort. For the first month, they’re good at showing you that they’re a great guy until you’re hooked.

There are two reasons why men do this:

One is that they’re emotionally unavailable and trying to fill a void. Men who are insecure and trying to fill voids are always moving at a faster pace.

The second reason is to avoid the risk of over-investing in a woman who either won’t give him the “rewards” for investing or for a woman he doesn’t see long-term.

It’s a common strategy between the sexes that men will want to speed up the courting stage until they get to the “after sex” stage, and then slow it down, while women want to slow down the courting stage and speed up the “after sex” stage, and rush to a relationship.

Humans will always rush through the stage when they have the disadvantage/lack of power and slow down during the stage where they have the advantage/power.

This is why one of the strategies I tell women to implement is to play a slower game and watch for a man to invest consistently. Any man can play the game for several weeks. But it gets more challenging for a man to play it consistently over time.

On average, I see emotionally unavailable men flip around the 5–6 week mark because context is starting to build up and things are feeling serious. Men can invest up until then. So take everything he does and says with a grain of salt and look for men who invest in you no matter the week or month.

It’s crazy how fast men flip, and you have to consider if he ever liked you in the first place.

Step Four: How are the ratios of going out and staying in looking?

Like I hinted at when discussing why my process works, I know men love taking shortcuts and cutting corners. It’s not a male thing. It’s a human thing. We want to save on resources. It’s programmed in us from a survival and evolutionary perspective.

Consider two scenarios: In one timeline, you have a man who takes you out, courts you, treats you well, and then takes you home and hooks up with you. In another timeline, you have that same man take you out once, and then on the next date, ask you to come over, and you two eventually hook up.

Who is more efficient here?

Obviously, without overthinking it, the guy in the second timeline who invited you over is more efficient. He got the same result by doing less. This is a man’s dream, which is why it’s so essential for a woman to have structure and be courted.

If you have men who are cutting corners, succeeding at doing so, and you find yourself in a pickle now that you don’t know what to do, you probably have a guy who is either:

  • Not taking you seriously
  • Taking you for granted
  • Not wanting a relationship

To be clear: a man can cut corners and still want a relationship. However, it’s not a good sign he is cutting corners. As I said, it’s in our nature, so don’t automatically cut him out. But the way I look at it is:

Suppose you have a guy living the good life in this situationship where he’s cutting corners, getting the benefits, and not having to pay the cost of investment of an actual relationship. Why would he ever be in a relationship? What advantage does he gain that he’s not getting right now?

This is a question many of my clients can’t answer and then they wonder why they’re in the situation they’re in. If the ratios benefit them, you’re staying in and hooking up much more than him courting you, someone has to pay that cost. Usually, that’s the woman.

This is a crucial step to understand as it layers well with the rest: Men who want relationships tend to invest consistently and take the woman off the market. There is nothing wrong with staying in and hooking up. But unless you feel like a couple doing so, he needs to continue taking you out and take you off the market.

If you want actual numbers, it depends on where you are in the situationship to figure out the ratios.

It’s the first 3 weeks of dating, and let’s say you have 4–5 interactions, the first 3–4 need to be dates, so 75/25. After you reach around the halfway point (5–6 weeks), you can be 50/50. After that, I feel it’s okay to be 60/40, as in staying in versus going out.

After hooking up and going out enough, I feel it’s better to stay in slightly more than going out. That’s essentially staying in twice every time you two go out, which in my opinion, is more reasonable and sustainable. If you’re not comfortable with this, that is completely fine. You can have a guy take you out much more if you like. I am just emphasizing in this step that:

  • Don’t ever let it be utterly one-sided in terms of staying in
  • The beginning should be him courting you and taking you out
  • He has to EARN the reward of staying in
  • Please don’t sleep with him before five dates.

Step Five: Have “the talk” at eight weeks

Women don’t like it when I say this or don’t believe me, but it’s true:

Men know after the first date what category you’re in. The rest of the time is him just reaping benefits, enjoying your company, and playing things out.

Yes, that’s right! Men know already what category you’re in. Can you change categories? Sure, but it’s unlikely. The reason for this is that many of the things men look for are found on their first or second date. Those things include:

  • looks
  • personality/humor
  • Interest
  • chemistry

Men are that simple. That’s all men look for in the beginning. Of course, there are layers and depth to this, but for the most part, this is what a man is looking for and finds it out very early on. The other 7 weeks are a man just going with the flow and waiting patiently so he doesn’t make a hasty or impulsive decision.

The reason I am telling you this is you must talk about transitioning towards a relationship at 8 weeks if you’re still talking within a sitautionship. If you don’t, you’re going to get taken advantage of.

If you’re not in a relationship after two months, the odds of you getting into a healthy relationship at three months decrease, and it starts to decrease as time goes on.

For those who think I am crazy for saying this, look at it from a male advantageous standpoint:

Wouldn’t it be wise to take you off the market if I like you? Like, we’ve been talking for 2 months right? Things are going well, we’ve been consistent, we’re acting like a couple and like each other. What’s the problem? If anything, keeping you on the market is more risky because that’s the only way I lose you to competition.

What many women fail to realize is that if a man isn’t thinking this and he’s keeping you on the market, it’s for several reasons:

  • He’s unsure about you. If a guy is uncertain after two months, you might as well walk away.
  • He’s not afraid of losing you. That means you did so much to convince him you’re not going anywhere that he doesn’t have to decide.
  • He’s not afraid of the competition. Like the previous point, you showed him so much interest that he knows you’re not talking to anyone else, so he doesn’t have to worry about taking you off the market.

My Links To My Work/Sessions

How Long Do I Need To Be Silent For Him To Feel Like An Idiot And Regret Everything?

Silence can be a woman’s most powerful tool when dealing with a man who has pulled away or behaved in ways that don’t align with her needs and boundaries.

It’s not about playing games — it’s about structure and giving both parties the space to reflect on their behavior.

For women who want to know how long they need to stay silent to make a man regret his actions and feel like an idiot for letting her go, understanding the psychology behind silence is essential.

This article will break down how men think during a woman’s silence, how long it typically takes for them to realize their mistakes, and the key variables that influence the effectiveness of silence.

**If you’re interested in working with me, click the link here.**

The Evolutionary Psychology Behind Silence

To understand why silence can profoundly impact a man, we must first look at the psychology that drives human behavior, particularly in men.

From an evolutionary standpoint, men are wired to avoid loss. Historically, men’s survival and success in social structures depended on maintaining valuable relationships espeically those that they previous invested in. We are resourceful by nature.

You may ask, “Well if that’s the case, why he’s pulling this crap to begin with were he’s testing my patience and boundaries?”

Men also tend to be less emotionally expressive and more prone to testing boundaries in relationships. As a result, they often take a woman’s presence for granted, assuming she will always be there.

It’s simply a man taking you for granted and seeing if he can achieve the same result while investing fewer resources. Obviously, this is at your expense, hence why you’re upset.

If that’s the case, can a man still regret and feel like an idiot? Yes.

When a woman chooses silence after a man has made mistakes or pulled away, it compels him to reflect. Initially, the man might not feel the impact of her absence immediately. He may even feel a temporary sense of relief, especially if he was the one pulling away or if there was tension in the relationship. However, the lack of contact begins to affect him as the days turn into weeks and then into months. The silence creates a void that he can’t ignore.

However, for this to be effective, time is crucial. Regret doesn’t happen overnight; for a person to truly feel the weight of their actions, they need space to process the situation.

How Long Should Silence Last? The 1–3 Month Rule

One of the most frequent questions women ask when considering the power of silence is, “How long should I be silent for him to regret everything?” The answer isn’t simple, but a general guideline is that silence should last anywhere from one to three months.

During the first month of silence, a man might not experience the full emotional impact. He might still assume that the woman will return or that her silence is just a temporary reaction. This is especially true if he has been given numerous chances without facing any real consequences. He may think he can wait it out and that things will eventually return to normal. In fact, during this phase, men are often in denial, thinking they have control over the situation.

However, as the silence stretches beyond the first month, things change. By the two-to-three-month mark, the emotional impact of the woman’s absence starts to hit harder. At this point, the man is no longer in denial. He starts to feel the void left by the woman, and it becomes difficult to ignore. The longer the silence continues, the more likely he will reflect on his actions and regret pushing her away.

The key takeaway here is that silence requires time to be effective. For the man to genuinely feel regret, he needs to experience enough time without the woman to understand what he has truly lost. One to three months is generally the ideal window for unfolding this process.

The Variables That Affect the Effectiveness of Silence

While the one-to-three-month rule is a good starting point, the effectiveness of silence can depend on several key variables. Understanding these variables can help you tailor your approach to your specific situation.

Past Behavior: How much has the man taken the woman for granted in the past? If the woman has repeatedly given him chances and tolerated poor behavior without setting clear boundaries, it will take longer for him to feel the consequences of her silence. If he has been used to her always coming back, he may need more time to realize that this time is different.

    This includes:

    • Him doing this before and coming back (and you let him).
    • You showing you care a lot more than he does.
    • You two talking about being exclusive but not being a couple.
    • You only talking to him and getting off the apps.
    • You trying harder than him to make it work.
    • Giving him chances he doesn’t deserve.

    The Power Dynamics: If the man has had more power in the relationship — either by pulling away repeatedly or by setting the terms — he may feel less urgency to change at first. It will take more time and a more consistent demonstration of boundaries for him to start reflecting on the situation. Power in the relationship is created by the bullet points above.

    The Woman’s Actions: Okay, let’s say you screwed up and did all the thing I listed above. We have to unwind that and make it believable that you’re actually done. That’s the goal now.

    How convincing is the silence? Mixed signals, such as liking his social media posts or checking in on him, can undo the progress made by silence. If a woman has previously shown that she can’t stay silent for long or repeatedly gives in after short periods of silence, it will be harder for the man to believe that she’s really gone this time. A woman must be fully committed to her silence for it to have the desired effect.

    His Circumstances: A man’s emotional state, attachment style, and other external factors, such as his level of interest or the presence of other distractions (e.g., a new romantic interest), can all affect how quickly he will come to regret his behavior. If he’s emotionally distant or already engaged with someone else, it may take longer for him to feel the effects of the silence.

      Why Inconsistent Silence Doesn’t Work

      One of the most common mistakes women make when using silence as a tool is inconsistency — starting off silent but caving in. You just proved to him that now he knows he has you.

      A woman might go a few days without contacting the man, only to break the silence by liking his posts or responding to his messages. This inconsistency can undermine the entire strategy.

      When a woman is silent but continues to engage in small ways:

      • Responding to him after he initiates.
      • Liking his post
      • Looking at his stories
      • Asking about him in common friend groups

      All of this shows signs that you’re playing a game and make it harder to convey you’re serious. In fact, you have to start over. I don’t give a flying f*** is his dog dies and mom comes down with an illness. Stay silent.

      “But Elliot, that’s not my personality. I care about people.”

      Yeah, not shit. That’s why you’re in this situation and not me. Ask me the last time I was in a similar situation. It was 12 years ago with an ex. Never again.

      Think of silence as a performance. If you’re acting like you’re done and not looking for reconciliation, you need to commit to that role entirely. Mixed signals, such as half-hearted gestures, will only confuse him and delay the process of regret.

      How Silence Forces a Man to Realize the Consequences of His Actions

      The ultimate goal of using silence in this context is to get the man to realize the consequences of his actions. That means there must be a consequence to his actions. A cause and effect.

      “Without structure, there is chaos.”

      This means if you don’t uphold the structure of your value, he’s going to walk on you and there will be chaos. You must pay that price then. Just don’t let it get to that point to begin with.

      It takes time.

      As the silence continues, the man feels the woman’s absence more intensely. This is when regret starts to set in. The key moment of realization comes when he understands that his behavior has led to a tangible loss — something that can’t be easily replaced. He may begin to regret not committing to or not appreciating the woman he had.

      It’s important to remember that this is a self-inflicted process. Regret is self-inflicted. If you’re silent and hold your ground, that’s the only way he’s going to have an opportunity to think, “Oh man, I screwed up.” He has no reason to reflect if you don’t give him a reason to.

      For most men, the one to three-month window is ideal for triggering self-reflection and regret. During this time, the man will begin to understand the consequences of his actions and may come to realize that he’s made a mistake. By committing fully to silence and ensuring that your boundaries are respected, you’ll give him the space to reflect on his behavior and — hopefully — return with a renewed sense of appreciation and respect for you.

      **If you want to work with me, click the link here.**

      How To Be So Interesting That He Needs You In His Life (Seriously)

      Have you ever noticed the people we remember most aren’t the ones who blend in — they’re the ones who make us feel something different?

      It’s the friend who makes time fly by—the coworker who always has a wild adventure to share. The person who makes even a regular afternoon feel a little more exciting, just by being themselves.

      We’re all wired to crave something more than the everyday routine. We want experiences that pull us out of the ordinary — that make life feel a little bigger, a little brighter.

      In this article, I’m going to show you how to create that feeling. How to get any man to want to learn more about you to the point where he thinks about you non-stop.

      **If you’d like to work together and have me as your dating coach, please click the link here.**

      What Humans Love And Crave The Most

      When I was in high school, the Twilight series took the world by storm. I remember every girl holding the book up to their face, unable to put it down.

      It was shocking how obsessed people were. You didn’t have to read the book or know the characters to understand what “Are you team Edward or team Jacob?” meant.

      I hold a degree in English Literature and Creative Writing. Twilight was a book I studied extensively due to its immense success. Not to write a bestseller myself, but rather to explore the psychology behind why people crave it. Here is what I found out:

      People obsess over escapism. They love the idea of “What if I do X,” or “What if Y happens? Then what?” We love that in one decision, our boring, mundane life can change forever. Oh, and we love relatability — something we can see ourselves doing.

      Twilight had both escapism and relatability. Why do you think Bella was so drawn to Edward? Sure, he was a vampire designed to draw humans in and drink their blood but he was also so fascinating to her and her boring ass life living with her dad. The whole idea of a vampire realm would draw any woman in.

      As readers, women loved getting lost in this story and immersing themselves in Bella’s situation. I had women tell me this. People get bored with their routine and want something shiny/new. If we can find something — someone, to open a new door of possibility, we gravitate towards them.

      That’s where this article starts. People don’t want to date boring people. They want to date someone who is fascinating and takes them on a whole new adventure. Someone who makes them feel things they haven’t felt before. Someone who makes them curious as to what comes next.

      Fascination Creates Desire

      This is a very hot take, but I’m going to say it. I speak only the truth:

      Women get mad at men for being overly sexual but in reality, it’s because they’re more fascinated by the sexual aspects of things than the story she’s trying to convey.

      I am not saying the man should do this. I understand it’s frustrating. But it’s not like it’s a choice that he is curious about the sexual aspect of things, then the story you want him to read about you.

      It’s like when a movie trailer comes on that doesn’t look interesting, and then the director tells you, “Well, still watch it. Give it a chance, it’s good.”

      Okay, maybe he’s right and it’s good. That doesn’t drive me to want to see a movie that doesn’t look fascinating. That’s the reality.

      The motivation has to be at the forefront instead of worked for. Men just don’t dig into learning about you to get motivated more to learn about you. You have to give people reason to want to explore. That’s literally the opposite definition of attraction lol.

      Men are looking for women who are that missing puzzle piece in their lives—someone who shakes up their world and opens a new door. While that’s hard to do, it gives you the most incredible advantage over any woman in the dating world.

      What’s Your Story? What Makes You “Click?”

      How do we begin? What do we do?

      If men are looking for women who are that missing puzzle piece, it means they’re going to date a woman within their Tribe. He already knows how he wants his life to unfold; he just needs to find the right partner. Perferably someone who:

      • Is part of his tribe
      • Is fascinating
      • Helps him get closer to his ideal life

      If you’re unfamiliar with this concept of a Tribe, you can find my guides here, where I discuss it in more detail. If not, I will give you a simple definition:

      A Tribe is a group of people or an identity you sense a deep belonging with. As in, your identity is tied up in this group. So it should be of something important.

      If I’m a nerdy introvert who enjoys gaming, I’m not looking for a bubbly extrovert who attends sports events every weekend. Instead, I am looking for someone like me, but who can show me something fascinating that I didn’t know existed within my tribe.

      For example:

      • If you meet a man who travels to your country and you’re a local who loves traveling, you will instantly be drawn to each other. You will be incredibly fascinating and show him things only locals know. You will give him a rare experience and build a connection. You will then travel together (I have witnessed this experience many times).
      • You’re both into video games, and he discovers you’re a game developer or trying to develop a game. He’ll likely find that very admirable and fascinating, and he wants to know more about game development. He checks out your game and is amazed at how much he likes/enjoys it.
      • You find a man who loves to grill, and you love to cook. You can bond over your love for food, but also share things that will ultimately improve the quality of your cooking and skills.

      The next thing is that no matter what you add, have a story behind it, whether that’s:

      • Why are you passionate about this thing?
      • How did you develop the skill to do this?
      • How did you get from where you were to where you are?

      All these should be told in story form. The best way to approach it is to think of your life as a story with a plot and a twist. Bring a man along for a ride. If we use the above examples:

      • It takes more than just telling a guy you like to travel. He must experience something with you relating to travel that brings him down he rabbit hole.
      • Talking about games is great, but letting him in on the developer side of gaming and even helping him design a game (something he wanted to do but never knew where to start) would be amazing.
      • Telling him your favorite food and why you like to cook is great, but cooking techniques and making dishes he has never tried has you two go on a journey to find and try authentic food within its own culture.

      The goal is to add depth and layers to things that you both find fascinating, to the point where he wants to learn more about them. Not just boring “Tell me about yourself.” You have to lure people in first.

      We gravitate toward people with whom we share similar interests. We commit to people who add to/enrich our lives.

      Tell A Passionate Story

      Humans connect through stories and experiences. Live a life so fun that the reason you want a relationship is you want to share this awesome experience with someone. What you have is passionate.

      So far, we’re connecting through stories and experiences. We’re not just asking people questions; we are living it. He’s curious, intrigued, and fascinated. He wants to learn more about you.

      The next thing is passion. We need enthusiasm. No one wants to listen to a monotone narrator of their favorite audiobook. No one wants to go on a date with someone who is lifeless. Add energy to everything you do.

      To start, to convince a man to go down the rabbit hole, you have to sound convincing. What sounds better:

      Him: “Hey, how was your day?”

      You: “It was good. Tired. How was yours?”

      Or…

      Him: “Hey, how was your day?”

      You: “You won’t believe what just happened.”

      You need to be fun to be around. Bring it up a notch. Do you have to be like this all the time? Of course not. But it’s noticed when it is. Even someone like me, who is extremely chill and introverted, would like something like this. Just don’t make it drama. I don’t care about your coworkers or the rude guy on the bus. Make it interesting.

      If you want to go to the extreme, what is the story behind you, him being with you, and that you two are going on?

      Every great story has a simple flow: life starts normally, something happens that changes everything, tension builds, a big turning point occurs, and then a new normal is established. If you share your story in this way, people naturally lean in because they’re wired to want to know what happens next.

      Here are examples based off what we’ve been using:

      The Tourist And The Local:

      A man needs to escape life. Feels trapped in his job. He decides to take a small trip where he meets a beautiful local (you) who also loves traveling. Not only that, but you know all the hidden gems tourists never find. You show him secret spots, teach him about your culture, and give him an experience no guidebook could offer. As he gets to know you, he’s drawn into your adventurous spirit. The real turning point comes when you suggest traveling to another city together, and he eagerly says yes. After that trip, you’re no longer just a local girl he met — you’re the woman who changed the entire course of his journey.

      The Gamer And Developer:

      He spent most of his nights getting lost in video games, sometimes playing too much, wondering if he had any real purpose. Then he met you — a woman who not only loved gaming but was actually creating her own. He was amazed when he played your game and saw the depth of your story and design. For the first time, gaming wasn’t just an escape — it became something inspiring. Motivated by you, he started learning how to create games too, and working on your passions together brought you closer than he ever expected.

      The Cook And Griller:

      He loved grilling — it was his thing. But everything changed when he met you, a woman who was just as passionate about cooking. It started with swapping tips and favorite recipes, but quickly grew into weekend cook-offs, daring each other to try new styles and flavors. The real turning point came when you planned a trip together — traveling to different cities (and even different countries) to experience authentic food cultures firsthand. From smoky street tacos in Mexico to rich handmade pastas in Italy, you turned your shared love of food into a real adventure. Cooking wasn’t just something you did anymore — it became a bond that deepened with every new place, every new dish, and every memory you created along the way.

      If you think this is corny or too much, that’s fine. I understand but do know that your relationship with this guy is a story whether you think it is or not. It will play out for good or bad based on how the story unfolds. Might as well make it worth reading/watching.

      If you’d like to work together and have me as your dating coach, please click the link here.