Posts Tagged → commit

5 Reasons Why Men Don’t Commit To You And How To Instantly Fix It

“Commitment doesn’t scare him — losing his freedom to someone who doesn’t add value does.”

If you want to learn how to get a boyfriend but are having a hard time getting men to commit, you’re not alone. 

The number of women today talking to men who are emotionally unavailable or don’t want a relationship is staggering.

I have been a dating coach for ten years and have helped thousands of women get into relationships, and this is easily the top problem I run into.

That’s why in this article I want to explain:

  • Why men don’t commit to you.
  • The problems you may be making.
  • The psychological blocks they may have (and filtering these type of men).
  • How to instantly fix it.

If you fix the things I point out in the article, men will commit to you and you will get a boyfriend in record time.

Let’s dive in.

Men Don’t Commit Because You Don’t Date Enough

Finding a boyfriend can be hard, and if you’re having difficulty getting men to commit, I can understand how it takes a toll on your self-esteem.

You go on amazing dates that you thought ended well only to realize this guy wants to be friends or fails to set up the next date. We’ve all been there.

However, I cannot stress enough that dating is a numbers game. 

Many people don’t realize that statistically, we all fail at dating 99% of the time. That means if you’re single today (just like me), you failed 100% and that’s okay. Because guess what? You only need to win once.

Finding a boyfriend only takes ONE time for a guy to say, “Hell yes.” All the no’s and failed attempts prior do not matter. If you get a man to commit once, you win. 

The problem I find women having is that when a man doesn’t commit, they give up. Or they take a long break. It goes something like this:

  • “I am going to try dating again. Let me try online.”
  • Online dating sucks. There are lots of weirdos.
  • But you find one guy who sticks out and he seems promising.
  • You two start talking and going on dates.
  • Things seem to be going well.
  • You really like him.
  • He starts to act differently and pull away.
  • You’re confused.
  • He gives you bullshit excuses.
  • You’re tired of dating and take a two-month break to work on yourself.
  • Repeat.

As a dating coach, my job is to get you to date. The women who take dating personally and don’t treat it as a game are the ones who always fail.

Below is a poll I took of my followers on Instagram. I wanted to see how many dates they’ve been on in the last 6 months:

94% of women have been on less than 10 dates in the last 6 months! I promise you that you’ll never find a boyfriend in that time. For all I know all these dates could have been with one guy and it didn’t work out. You have no chance in the dating world if you date like this.

Finding a boyfriend is hard, but it’s because you take dating too seriously. Have fun with it. Go out, meet people, learn to socialize, work on self-development, and aim to read and understand people better. 

My rule of thumb:

You need to go on at least one date a week. Everyone I have ever met you is working on themselves and going on one date a week gets in a relationship within 3–6 months. This means:

  • Not taking long breaks because it didn’t work out.
  • Not taking yourself off the market because you like the guy or have an exclusive talk.
  • Dating more than one guy (stop talking to one guy at a time. Nowhere in Mother Nature or the history of our species was that a thing until commitment or society pushed it on you).
  • No matter how it turns out, keep dating! 

You’re Bad At Filtering Emotionally Unavailable Men

When a man doesn’t commit to you, you take it personally. I have women come to me and say:

  • “ Did I mean anything to him?”
  • “Was any of it real or genuine?”
  • “How could he drop me or leave everything so easily?”
  • “Did I do something wrong?”
  • “What if I didn’t do X? Would we still be together?”

Most of your relationships are not working out because you’re talking to an emotionally unavailable man. That’s why he didn’t commit to you.

I have a video here touching on the difficulties of making a relationship work with an emotionally unavailable man:

If you’re talking to a guy where things were going well and suddenly he blindsided you by pulling away and changing his behavior, that’s the case. You can check out an article I wrote about that here.

That’s why I tell women that becoming a master at filtering emotionally unavailable men is a skill. A very valuable skill.

I am willing to bet that if I were your coach, I could identify for a majority of you that you were talking to an emotionally unavailable guy, and that’s why he didn’t commit. 

Here are several signs:

  • He buys time with phrases like, “Let’s see what happens/where it goes,” or slows it down.
  • He lovebombs you.
  • He chases hard only to pull away once he has you.
  • Things are going really well until the halfway point, he starts acting differently.
  • He acts differently out of nowhere for no reason (got in his head).

If you want an amazing in-depth 5-step process on filtering men, check out this article. If you want a SUPER in-depth read on filtering men, check out this guide.

To Get A Boyfriend, He Needs To See Long-Term Assets

I tell my clients that men need all five things in a woman to be her boyfriend and commit:

  • He needs to find you attractive/feel he’s getting the better deal.
  • You need to be one of the best options he can get.
  • You must have more assets than liabilities, and the assets must be worth the cost.
  • You make him want to be a better person.
  • His life is better with you in it than without.

Those are non-negotiable. 

Women try to argue with me on this, saying it’s childish, all men don’t think like this, and so on. 

Yes, they do. This is evolutionary psychology. This isn’t my opinion on what makes men commit.

To make this easier, these “assets” are broken down into three categories:

  • Evolutionary Desires: Traits Mother Nature put in us so we drive towards survival and reproduction. These things include attractiveness, resources, health, youth, fertility, energy, nurture, etc. 
  • Personal Desires: These are traits that we personally like when it comes to finding a mate. Think of these as preferences to evolutionary desires. Things like race, height, age, hair and eye color, and personality.
  • Tribe: This is something bigger than us. We all want to be part of something bigger that we sense a belonging with. We want people in our tribe. These people usually share the same interest, morals, values, purpose, drive, motivation, and so on.

To keep it simple:

Mother Nature instilled evolutionary desires to drive us to survive and reproduce. She doesn’t care how we do it as long as we do it. That’s why we have personal desires. If certain traits attract and interest you to pursue, go ahead. But long-term commitment (marriage) come from those two things and being part of the same tribe.

Evolutionary Desires + Personal Desires + Tribe = Commitment.

You Make It Too Easy To Access The Assets

With all this being said, men will not commit to you or be your boyfriend if you give away the assets at minimal cost.

What is the point of committing if you’re giving your guy boyfriend benefits and he’s not your boyfriend?

The answer I often get from women is, “He gets meee!”

What the f*** does that even mean? He already has you lol. 

“No, he doesn’t. I will leave then.”

No, you won’t. You would have already. Even if you did, he believes you wouldn’t leave because something you did up to this point has shown him that you’re not going anywhere and that he has you.

Those things are the following:

  • You’re sticking around past the 8-week mark (you need to have the talk or be his girlfriend by 8 weeks).
  • You gave him too many chances he doesn’t deserve.
  • You lower your standards to keep him around.
  • You’re too hopeful, and he can see it.
  • You aren’t being courted.

Trust me, humans are very resourceful. If you’re talking to a guy who hasn’t fallen in love with you, he will cut corners and save on investing if you let him. It will get to the point where it starts to feel casual because that benefits him.

If a guy is not committing to you or is unsure about being your boyfriend, the next best thing for him is to get the assets at a reduced cost. That means a lower investment. 

Here are the boyfriend benefits I believe you’re giving away:

  • Emotional Support
     • Listening to his problems like a therapist. Can you listen to his problems? Sure, but the goal you two have is to build attraction. 
     • Being his emotional rock — even when he’s not yours. You may disagree with me on this but if he’s doing this instead of committing, you’re talking to an emotionally unavailable guy. 
  • Domestic Care
     • Cooking him meals regularly.
     • Helping with his laundry or cleaning.
     • If you’re doing anything like this and you’re not his girlfriend, you already lost. You are supposed to be courted!
  • Constant Communication
     • Texting him all day, every day. Daily is fine. Being at his beckon call isn’t.
     • Always responding quickly or initiating conversations.
     • Checking in and being emotionally available 24/7.
  • Sexual Access
     • Having sex regularly without a commitment. You can have sex just make sure it’s aligned with your values and that he’s also courting you.
     • Engaging in deep physical intimacy without emotional security.
  • Loyalty Without a Relationship
     • Acting exclusive even though you’re not.
     • Turning down other men or dating options for him.
     • Staying emotionally attached to only him.
  • Time and Availability
     • Rearranging your schedule to fit his.
     • Dropping plans the moment he texts.
     • Saying yes to last-minute hangouts or late-night calls.
  • Gifts, Favors, and Financial Help
     • Buying him things or covering costs.
     • Doing favors you’d only do for someone you’re in a committed relationship with.
     • Spoiling him with thoughtful surprises — while he stays casual.

Again, so many women will do half these things and then are shocked when men don’t commit or want to be their boyfriend. What benefit do they get from committing to you that they’re not getting now?

What will happen is you’ll be one of these girls he likes, but not enough to commit to, like I talk about here.

You Don’t Stick Out Or Know What Men Want

You may think men are your competition but they’re not. Men want to commit and be a boyfriend…to the right woman. 

That means your competition is other women. The problem women have is they don’t know how to stand out.

Many clients come to me and say, “We are so attracted to each other. The sexual chemistry is off the charts, and all chemistry is off the charts. We get along so well.”

What you don’t understand, though, is that those are prerequisites. Every woman a man is interested in or sees long-term, he’s sexually attracted to and has chemistry with. He’s looking for that X-factor.

I talk about things that make non-monogamous men commit in this article. But in a nutshell, it comes down to the concept of blueprint versus reality.

This concept states that men are looking for that missing puzzle piece. They know the lifestyle, goals, purpose they want and the type of woman they want to spend it with. The closer that woman is to fitting that mold, the more likely he is to commit. The further, the more anxiety he has.

To make it easier:

Blueprint: The life he wants and the steps it takes to get there.

Reality: The steps he is taking (or not) and how close he actually is.

Why do you think we stress when things don’t go well or turn out the way we want them to be? That’s because our blueprint is one version of it and our reality is the other. The closer they are, the better we feel. The further, we start freaking out.

If you want to find a boyfriend as fast as possible and make men commit, you must be part of each other’s blueprint.

How do you do that? We already talked about it:

  • You MASTER the evolutionary desires (attractiveness, fitness, health, being energetic, etc).
  • You find people with the personal desires you obtain (height, weight, eye, skin, hair color, personality, humor, etc).
  • You are part of each other’s tribe, and you share the same purpose, values, morals, goals, motivations, etc.

It is tough for an emotionally available man who wants a relationship to say “no” to a woman who he’s dating and has all these things. 

I feel the problem that many women have is:

  • They aren’t niched down for a particular person and instead spread themselves too thin.
  • They think that sexual attraction and chemistry is enough and get emotionally attached.

That’s it ladies, let me know below if you have any questions or concerns. 

Why Men Never Commit To Hopeful Women (He Doesn’t Need To)

“You don’t get offers by hoping — you get offers by being the prize.”

If you aren’t his girlfriend in 8 weeks, the following has happened:

  • He’s unsure about you but wants the benefits.
  • He’s taking advantage of the fact that you like him so much.
  • He’s not afraid of losing you.
  • He likes you but doesn’t see you long-term.

That’s right. Men know early on if you’re girlfriend material or not. If you’re not officially together in two months, he’s taking advantage that you’re hoping to get the title as girlfriend.

In this article, I am going to tell you why men rarely commit to hopeful women and why you should cut men off at eight weeks.

Women Love Deeper And Are Outcome-Dependent

It’s not that women are “clingy” or “too emotional” — it’s that they’re biologically wired to be more selective and commitment-focused. And when you understand the evolutionary forces behind this, it all starts to make perfect sense.

Women bear the cost of reproduction. I know that sounds ridiculous now in modern times with contraception and an abundance of safety and resources. But our lizard brains still operate in a way that avoids harm/risk and seeks pleasure.

However, from an evolutionary perspective, this means one bad choice in a man could risk her life, her child’s life, and her survival chances. So women evolved to seek out men who wouldn’t just provide pleasure — but protection, provision, and presence. When a woman sleeps with a man that doesn’t commit, we’re essentially roleplaying what our ancestors went through back then when things were more uncertain.

According to Parental Investment Theory the sex that invests more in offspring becomes more selective in mate choice. In humans, that’s women — by a long shot.

  • A man can impregnate multiple women in a week and never see the children. Sounds horrible but Mother Nature gives two shits about morals and values. Just reproduce.
  • A woman can get pregnant once, and she’s locked into nearly a year of risk, followed by years of caregiving.

That’s why women evolved to seek commitment first and sex second, while men often evolved in the reverse order — sex first, commitment optional unless the woman proves she’s worth it.

For our ancestors, having sex with the wrong man could cause casualties:

  • You’re more prone to predators.
  • Other men ostracise you.
  • You may need the village to help you.
  • You need more nutrients and resources.
  • Health concerns during birth.
  • The chances of the child’s survival are based on your stress, health, and resources.

For men, casual sex was an evolutionary opportunity. For women, it was a potential death sentence.

Historically, if a woman got pregnant by the wrong man — one who disappeared or refused to help — she and her child could die. So women developed instincts for detecting red flags, testing a man’s reliability, and attaching to men who showed signs of staying power.

This is why hopeful waiting doesn’t work — because unless a man is given a reason to invest, his biology doesn’t push him to. But a woman’s biology? It pushes her to attach, to bond, to build something long-term.

A Confused Woman Is A Hopeful Woman

With all this being said, women weren’t dumb. They didn’t want to date men who had a reputation for leaving. Therefore, they were choosier. That was their strategy, at least. 

This is how courtship came to what it is today. Men were are the “offerers” because traditionally, we had the resources and had to invest in women to prove we weren’t going to leave. Women are the “choosers” picking the best mate that they believed will stick by their side and give her the highest chance of success.

Men knew this and came up with a counter-strategy:

Instead of committing, men were okay with investing. They would invest a lot. Just enough to make a woman believe he was who he said he was and to sleep with him. The goal men had was they knew as long as you slept with them and were hopeful of relationship, you’d stick around.

That’s because you were at risk (back then) for leaving while being pregnant. You were dependent on him.

Today, men do this but focus more on you being hopeful and bet on the fact that you may “regret” pulling away because you’re getting mixed signals. 

If a man were to tell you, “There is no way on God’s beautiful green Earth we will be together. I don’t want a relationship,” it hurts, but it’s easier to move on.

Instead, he tells you a lot of “buying time” phrases:

  • Give me more time.
  • Let’s see what happens.
  • I like you a lot, I just ain’t ready yet.
  • I like where this is going let’s talk about it again in a month

You get the idea. A woman isn’t going to leave in this situation because she’s hopeful things will change. That’s where a man will always win.

As long as you never get an answer (meaning you’re unsure, confused, or uncertain about what’s going on), you will stick around to see an outcome. Men know this.

Taking The Burden Of Risk

“If he gets girlfriend privileges without commitment, why would he upgrade the deal?”

With all that being said, who is more at risk? You or him? I constantly tell my clients that dating is a game of risk avoidance. It’s about getting what you want without getting taken advantage of. 

If you’re someone sticking around and it already feels like a relationship, let me ask you two questions:

  • What would he get from committing to you that he can’t get elsewhere or that he’s not already getting from you?
  • What is the urgency of committing if you’re not going anywhere?

After 8 weeks, the woman takes the risk of sticking around. By this time, he’s probably eliminated all risk, meaning:

  • He’s probably not investing like he used to.
  • You’re not talking to anyone else.
  • You’re still putting him on a pedestal when you speak to others.
  • You’re hooking up.
  • He has you hopeful.
  • He’s not worried about competition.

Essentially, you’re talking to a guy who can have his cake and eat it too because he’s realizing at this point there is no risk in deciding to keep you on the market, so why not take that “risk?”

You, on the other hand, are taking a huge risk because you’re taking yourself off the market and giving a man all these benefits, who’s not even your boyfriend.

This hurts you because:

  • It drains you mentally and emotionally.
  • Hurts the ego.
  • Lowers your value.
  • He takes you for granted.
  • You’re getting played.
  • You’re wasting time.

What are you going to do about this? 8 weeks is the limit. Don’t go past 10 (at most).

Why This 5 Step Process Is The Best Way To Filter Men Who Won’t Commit.

A man who won’t commit is ultimately a waste of time.

Nothing is worse than wasting your time and energy on someone who can’t give you anything in return. They drain you. They take everything from you and leave you with nothing.

It’s exhausting and it’s all because you wanted to give this guy a shot. Or better yet, you didn’t do your homework and filter him correctly.

As a dating coach of 10 years, 99% of the time, the guy gives off clear signs that he won’t commit. When I hear my clients’ stories, I pick it up in the first five minutes on what happens and why. Men ALWAYS give clues. You just have to be good at reading what’s being said.

If you’re a woman who is afraid/tired of:

  • Getting hurt
  • Wasting her time
  • Getting played
  • Opening up
  • Being strung along

My 5-step filtering process will help you save tons of time dating the wrong men.

Why This Process Works

I know men. I know how they play the game, their shortcuts, and the tricks they pull over your eyes.

Men are extremely good at luring you in and making you feel you’re the luckiest woman on Earth. This isn’t always bad. Despite what you may think, just because it didn’t turn out well and he’s the one who ended it, doesn’t mean he had ill intent.

For a large majority of men, I feel they have good intentions. I don’t think they’re lurking in the shadows waiting to find their perfect victim. Instead, I feel they’re talking to a girl they like but unfortunately, they get in their own heads, are emotionally unavailable, and can’t deliver on the promise. I’d say men are more irresponsible than deceitful.

And this is precisely why my process will work:

I know when these men are likely to fold despite having good intentions. It sneaks up on them out of nowhere, just like his behavior change blindsided you. I know and can predict accurately if this behavior change will occur.

It’s not as simple as other coaches make it. “If he does X then you do Y. And If he does A you need to do B.” My approach considers the pitfalls that will hurt you later on down the road and specific critical filters for men who want to hook up or are emotionally unavailable.

I put together a time-tested process I have used for ten years with my clients. The better you are with it, the better you can eliminate 99% of the problem men in the dating market.

By the way, if you want to work with me, figure out where your guy stands, read his mind, or fix your situation, please get a session with me. I’d love to work with you.

The 5-Step Process To Filter Men

Here are some things to know about this filtering process:

  • These steps stack. Meaning, he has to pass all of them! I don’t care if he passes a majority of them. He has to pass all unless you decide to make an executive decision and feel it’s okay to continue.
  • Emotions must be put aside. I am not saying I want you to be robotic without emotion. I want you to understand how biased we are when emotions are involved. When you go through the steps and he fails, look at it logically and then try to work through the matter. If you feel you’re using emotions such as, “But I like him,” you must stop and not move forward until you fix it logically.
  • It isn’t your job to fix, justify, or help him. Women wonder why they keep attracting men or getting in the same situations. It’s because they have a leaky filter. They will see a problem but help the guy “bypass her security” by justifying his actions, such as saying he’s busy and tired, as the reasons why he’s not making an effort.

Let’s jump into the 5-step filtering process!

Step One: Ask him what he’s looking for from the VERY BEGINNING.

I know this sounds like common sense and you may think it’s a weak first step because he can lie to your face, but you must do this. Here are a few reasons why:

  • If he does lie about it, at least you know he’s in the wrong and a piece of shit. This is much better than having the discussion 4 weeks later, where you can’t hold him accountable because you didn’t add purpose to the interaction. This is a top way men get away with shit. You can’t say he’s leading you on if you never talked about what you two are looking for.
  • It’s better to frame that you two are working towards a relationship instead of “going with the flow.” Men get free range if there is no structure.
  • I am a brilliant dating coach. I am thinking ahead. The real reason I want you to ask this question is CONTEXT.

For those who do not know, context is what you two do and say over time, creating a serious vibe within the relationship. Anything from texting, hooking up, future planning, pace, consistency, serious conversations, etc, falls under this category.

Context is neutral. This means it’s good if you two are on the same page. You want context as it lets you know we agree on where this is going, getting validation, and progressing. It isn’t nice if you two want different things, because as context builds, he will feel he’s leading you on, resulting in him pulling away.

That is why it makes sense to mention that we’re looking for a relationship. It lets him know we’re dating with intent and not to waste our time.

Step Two: Do your “detective work.”

Doing your detective work was a phrase I coined that essentially means to look at his dating history. There are three things I am trying to find out in particular, as they are the most common variables I see when a man is emotionally unavailable and doesn’t commit. Those things are:

  • One: How long has he been single? Something isn’t adding up if he’s single too long (3 years or longer) and says he wants a relationship. Trust me, it’s not “I haven’t found the right girl.” On top of that, if he’s been single for that long, the odds that you’re the girl to come in and change that are extremely rare.
  • Two: Was he cheated on in his last relationship? Men who were cheated on in their previous relationship rarely commit to the following women they’re dating. More often than not, this man is emotionally unavailable and thinks getting the benefits of a relationship without actually being in one is better.
  • Three: Has he ever had a serious long-term relationship? If you’re talking to a guy in his 30s and he’s never had a serious relationship or a guy in his 40s who has never been engaged, you won’t get anything out of these men. Again, there are reasons I ask these three questions. I see them come up time and time again as patterns of men who don’t commit.

If you want to dive deeper into things that matter less but are still important, you can look at what I call the “logistics:”

  • How far apart do you live? More than an hour, statistically, chances go down (that’s an actual stat).
  • How did he answer the “What are you looking for?” question? Only accept, “I want a relationship/am looking for something serious.”
  • His dating experience. Too much or too little is a bad sign. Men with too little but are starting to date women will want to keep dating. On the other hand, if he has too much and is still single, he will want to keep dating.

Step Three: Is he consistently investing his resources over time?

You probably discovered that men are good at lovebombing or at least, front-running their effort. For the first month, they’re good at showing you that they’re a great guy until you’re hooked.

There are two reasons why men do this:

One is that they’re emotionally unavailable and trying to fill a void. Men who are insecure and trying to fill voids are always moving at a faster pace.

The second reason is to avoid the risk of over-investing in a woman who either won’t give him the “rewards” for investing or for a woman he doesn’t see long-term.

It’s a common strategy between the sexes that men will want to speed up the courting stage until they get to the “after sex” stage, and then slow it down, while women want to slow down the courting stage and speed up the “after sex” stage, and rush to a relationship.

Humans will always rush through the stage when they have the disadvantage/lack of power and slow down during the stage where they have the advantage/power.

This is why one of the strategies I tell women to implement is to play a slower game and watch for a man to invest consistently. Any man can play the game for several weeks. But it gets more challenging for a man to play it consistently over time.

On average, I see emotionally unavailable men flip around the 5–6 week mark because context is starting to build up and things are feeling serious. Men can invest up until then. So take everything he does and says with a grain of salt and look for men who invest in you no matter the week or month.

It’s crazy how fast men flip, and you have to consider if he ever liked you in the first place.

Step Four: How are the ratios of going out and staying in looking?

Like I hinted at when discussing why my process works, I know men love taking shortcuts and cutting corners. It’s not a male thing. It’s a human thing. We want to save on resources. It’s programmed in us from a survival and evolutionary perspective.

Consider two scenarios: In one timeline, you have a man who takes you out, courts you, treats you well, and then takes you home and hooks up with you. In another timeline, you have that same man take you out once, and then on the next date, ask you to come over, and you two eventually hook up.

Who is more efficient here?

Obviously, without overthinking it, the guy in the second timeline who invited you over is more efficient. He got the same result by doing less. This is a man’s dream, which is why it’s so essential for a woman to have structure and be courted.

If you have men who are cutting corners, succeeding at doing so, and you find yourself in a pickle now that you don’t know what to do, you probably have a guy who is either:

  • Not taking you seriously
  • Taking you for granted
  • Not wanting a relationship

To be clear: a man can cut corners and still want a relationship. However, it’s not a good sign he is cutting corners. As I said, it’s in our nature, so don’t automatically cut him out. But the way I look at it is:

Suppose you have a guy living the good life in this situationship where he’s cutting corners, getting the benefits, and not having to pay the cost of investment of an actual relationship. Why would he ever be in a relationship? What advantage does he gain that he’s not getting right now?

This is a question many of my clients can’t answer and then they wonder why they’re in the situation they’re in. If the ratios benefit them, you’re staying in and hooking up much more than him courting you, someone has to pay that cost. Usually, that’s the woman.

This is a crucial step to understand as it layers well with the rest: Men who want relationships tend to invest consistently and take the woman off the market. There is nothing wrong with staying in and hooking up. But unless you feel like a couple doing so, he needs to continue taking you out and take you off the market.

If you want actual numbers, it depends on where you are in the situationship to figure out the ratios.

It’s the first 3 weeks of dating, and let’s say you have 4–5 interactions, the first 3–4 need to be dates, so 75/25. After you reach around the halfway point (5–6 weeks), you can be 50/50. After that, I feel it’s okay to be 60/40, as in staying in versus going out.

After hooking up and going out enough, I feel it’s better to stay in slightly more than going out. That’s essentially staying in twice every time you two go out, which in my opinion, is more reasonable and sustainable. If you’re not comfortable with this, that is completely fine. You can have a guy take you out much more if you like. I am just emphasizing in this step that:

  • Don’t ever let it be utterly one-sided in terms of staying in
  • The beginning should be him courting you and taking you out
  • He has to EARN the reward of staying in
  • Please don’t sleep with him before five dates.

Step Five: Have “the talk” at eight weeks

Women don’t like it when I say this or don’t believe me, but it’s true:

Men know after the first date what category you’re in. The rest of the time is him just reaping benefits, enjoying your company, and playing things out.

Yes, that’s right! Men know already what category you’re in. Can you change categories? Sure, but it’s unlikely. The reason for this is that many of the things men look for are found on their first or second date. Those things include:

  • looks
  • personality/humor
  • Interest
  • chemistry

Men are that simple. That’s all men look for in the beginning. Of course, there are layers and depth to this, but for the most part, this is what a man is looking for and finds it out very early on. The other 7 weeks are a man just going with the flow and waiting patiently so he doesn’t make a hasty or impulsive decision.

The reason I am telling you this is you must talk about transitioning towards a relationship at 8 weeks if you’re still talking within a sitautionship. If you don’t, you’re going to get taken advantage of.

If you’re not in a relationship after two months, the odds of you getting into a healthy relationship at three months decrease, and it starts to decrease as time goes on.

For those who think I am crazy for saying this, look at it from a male advantageous standpoint:

Wouldn’t it be wise to take you off the market if I like you? Like, we’ve been talking for 2 months right? Things are going well, we’ve been consistent, we’re acting like a couple and like each other. What’s the problem? If anything, keeping you on the market is more risky because that’s the only way I lose you to competition.

What many women fail to realize is that if a man isn’t thinking this and he’s keeping you on the market, it’s for several reasons:

  • He’s unsure about you. If a guy is uncertain after two months, you might as well walk away.
  • He’s not afraid of losing you. That means you did so much to convince him you’re not going anywhere that he doesn’t have to decide.
  • He’s not afraid of the competition. Like the previous point, you showed him so much interest that he knows you’re not talking to anyone else, so he doesn’t have to worry about taking you off the market.

My Links To My Work/Sessions

3 Things That Make Men Commit Despite Nature Making Them Non-Monogamous?

“Men aren’t naturally monogamous — but they are strategic. Commitment happens when what you have outweighs the thrill of variety.”

Dating can seem impossible today. You may feel men want to play games and never commit. Yet, men are committing.

Why? What triggers a man to settle down instead of chasing women and constantly feeding those dopamine hits? 

It’s simpler than you think. 

In this article, I will explain men’s logical approach to dating and what makes them commit.

The Equation Of High-Value

When I talk to many clients, I tell them that attraction has layers. The more layers you’re able to cover, the stronger his feelings are going to be.

To simplify it, I put all things attraction into two categories:

  • Evolutionary desires (ED)
  • Personal desires (PD)

Evolutionary desires would be things deeply ingrained in us by Mother Nature that create a drive to seek out a partner for reproductive purposes. This would include things like:

  • Youth
  • Symmetry
  • Health
  • Overall attractiveness 
  • Childbearing cues (breast, hips, curves, ratios etc)
  • High value status
  • Loyalty
  • Tone/voice
  • Body language
  • Many other things.

When the male brain sees these traits, it focuses in and seeks out validation from that woman. But all women (to some extent) have this. So what makes a woman stand out even more? What makes a man sure he’s choosing the right woman.

That’s where personal desires come in. These traits are like icing on the cake. It’s things he likes and prefers. To go even further, consider it a way to show evolutionary desires more personally. For example, we know a man likes attractiveness (ED), but to him, that may be a woman with brown hair who is short (PD). That’s his personal (PD) view on attractiveness (ED).

Some PD include:

  • The tribe you’re in. More on this in this guide if you’re interested.
  • Personality
  • Humor
  • Style
  • Morals
  • Values
  • Belief system/mindset
  • The group you hang out in
  • Career choice
  • Passions
  • Many more

to keep this easy and sum it up, I will put all ED under “reproduction” and all PD under “Tribe.” That said, a man needs loyalty because he doesn’t want to invest in something he can lose. If we take all this, we can make a simple equation:

The more of these things someone has, the rarer and valuable they are on the market. Commitment will follow if you can find a man who aligns with you on many of these things and vice versa.

His Blueprint And The Reality Check

This goes with the above point: 

While men want something of value and rare, they also want someone to help get them where they want to go, or at least, be part of the plan. 

This is what I call the “Blueprint Versus Reality” concept:

Imagine you’re on your way to a first date with John. You liked talking to him on the phone during your several calls; you think he’s handsome and is looking for a relationship. You have this gameplan in your head on how you’d like things to go: “We’re going to meet, have a great time, laugh a lot, flirt, feel the amazing chemistry, and if he’s lucky he will get a kiss at the end and hopefully plan the second date.” Unfortunately, while daydreaming, you hit a pothole and popped a tire. You’re 15 minutes away and will be extremely late as you don’t have a spare tire. You call John and tell him and he understands but cancels the date and says we will meet up another time. Over the next week, you don’t hear much from John and start feeling him pulling back. You go out one day for lunch with a friend and you see John talking to another girl. You’re Devastated. 

Your “Blueprint” in this scenario is how you wanted things to play out with John. The reality is what you got (the unfortunate flat tire). 

The further our Blueprint (where we want to be) is from our reality (where we are), the more stress and pain we tend to feel.

Men already have this blueprint of their lives and want a woman to fit into it. He’s looking for the right woman who:

  • Compliments his lifestyle
  • Makes his life easier
  • Is a good de-stresser
  • Makes him happy
  • Satisfies his needs
  • Is an asset, not a liability

Both men and women do this subconsciously. Men do it more in terms of lifestyle, where they have this goal in life and then find a woman who fits it, where women (while also having a goal of course) focus more on a man and build a life from there. 

Men are always on the search for that “missing puzzle piece.”

Nurturing (And Motherly Traits)

From an evolutionary standpoint, men are wired to seek traits that increase their and their offspring’s chances of survival. And what signals that better than almost anything?

A nurturing, motherly woman.

“Survival” has a different meaning today than it did for our ancestors but it still comes from the same instinctive drive for safety and security. 

Back then, safety and security was having food, water, shelter, your health, and being part of a tribe. That is abundant in today’s world. That’s why we take it step further and go for things like comfort, convenience, saving resources, etc.

When you have a woman who can give you comfort and stability emotionally through nurturing traits, that’s a woman to keep.

Today, too many men and women have egos. People argue to win and not listen. People try to cut you deep to hurt you. When a man sees a woman do that, he can never commit to her long-term. It’s too much risk.

Men are looking for women who have:

  • Empathy
  • Gentleness
  • Patience
  • Affection
  • Emotional supportiveness
  • Attentiveness
  • Submissiveness (in the healthy sense)
  • Encouragement
  • Nurturing through acts of service
  • Consistency

This means, so far, if you were a woman who fulfills his evolutionary and personal desires, you fit into his lifestyle like the missing puzzle piece. You’re nurturing, you’re an extremely high-value woman.

No, you don’t have to have all of these, I am just making a list of things for each category.

Putting It Together: The Risk Of Loss

“Men don’t commit to women, they commit to bundles and good marketing.”

While this is not the sexiest quote, it’s a powerful one. Men never commit to one or two traits of a woman. They commit to the bundle of traits she has.

I call it a bundle because, if we’re being honest, humans are more complex than we can ever imagine, and not all bundles are purely good or bad. Instead, men take the good with the bad.

There is a concept called the “Margin of error,” which means we are willing to take X bad traits because Y traits are so good. It’s an overall net gain.

I am sure you felt this before, when you were talking to a man, and despite him not being the best at opening up and talking about his feelings, you saw that he was a great listener and communicator. 

All humans do this. We have to do this because no one is perfect. Therefore, men pick an amazing marketed bundle (how you carry yourself regarding confidence, looks, style, mannerisms, reactions, etc).

Because we are naturally risk-avoidant, a man doesn’t want to risk losing this bundle since he likes her and feels they’d be a good match. If he keeps you on the market, there are several reasons for this:

  • He’s unsure about you
  • He doesn’t want a relationship
  • He feels he has you and doesn’t need to commit

But men who want a relationship and women who fulfill what I listed out here usually get into relationships quickly. The whole game is a risk:

If a man doesn’t want a relationship, he will feel the risk of committing to you and breaking it off completely (because you still have assets he wants) so he will buy time and try not to put a label on it. That way he can avoid risk by having his cake and eating it too. When a man wants a relationship, he feel the risk is NOT taking you off the market because the longer you’re on there, the more options are available to you.

I know none of this sounds sexy. Even sexist to some extent (despite both men and women doing this and it’s not sex dependent, I understand), but you can’t argue with psychology. This is how many humans think on a subconscious level. 

  • If you want to work with me.
  • If you want my free guide on being high value.
  • If you want my nine guides on everything dating.

How To Be So Interesting That He Needs You In His Life (Seriously)

Have you ever noticed the people we remember most aren’t the ones who blend in — they’re the ones who make us feel something different?

It’s the friend who makes time fly by—the coworker who always has a wild adventure to share. The person who makes even a regular afternoon feel a little more exciting, just by being themselves.

We’re all wired to crave something more than the everyday routine. We want experiences that pull us out of the ordinary — that make life feel a little bigger, a little brighter.

In this article, I’m going to show you how to create that feeling. How to get any man to want to learn more about you to the point where he thinks about you non-stop.

**If you’d like to work together and have me as your dating coach, please click the link here.**

What Humans Love And Crave The Most

When I was in high school, the Twilight series took the world by storm. I remember every girl holding the book up to their face, unable to put it down.

It was shocking how obsessed people were. You didn’t have to read the book or know the characters to understand what “Are you team Edward or team Jacob?” meant.

I hold a degree in English Literature and Creative Writing. Twilight was a book I studied extensively due to its immense success. Not to write a bestseller myself, but rather to explore the psychology behind why people crave it. Here is what I found out:

People obsess over escapism. They love the idea of “What if I do X,” or “What if Y happens? Then what?” We love that in one decision, our boring, mundane life can change forever. Oh, and we love relatability — something we can see ourselves doing.

Twilight had both escapism and relatability. Why do you think Bella was so drawn to Edward? Sure, he was a vampire designed to draw humans in and drink their blood but he was also so fascinating to her and her boring ass life living with her dad. The whole idea of a vampire realm would draw any woman in.

As readers, women loved getting lost in this story and immersing themselves in Bella’s situation. I had women tell me this. People get bored with their routine and want something shiny/new. If we can find something — someone, to open a new door of possibility, we gravitate towards them.

That’s where this article starts. People don’t want to date boring people. They want to date someone who is fascinating and takes them on a whole new adventure. Someone who makes them feel things they haven’t felt before. Someone who makes them curious as to what comes next.

Fascination Creates Desire

This is a very hot take, but I’m going to say it. I speak only the truth:

Women get mad at men for being overly sexual but in reality, it’s because they’re more fascinated by the sexual aspects of things than the story she’s trying to convey.

I am not saying the man should do this. I understand it’s frustrating. But it’s not like it’s a choice that he is curious about the sexual aspect of things, then the story you want him to read about you.

It’s like when a movie trailer comes on that doesn’t look interesting, and then the director tells you, “Well, still watch it. Give it a chance, it’s good.”

Okay, maybe he’s right and it’s good. That doesn’t drive me to want to see a movie that doesn’t look fascinating. That’s the reality.

The motivation has to be at the forefront instead of worked for. Men just don’t dig into learning about you to get motivated more to learn about you. You have to give people reason to want to explore. That’s literally the opposite definition of attraction lol.

Men are looking for women who are that missing puzzle piece in their lives—someone who shakes up their world and opens a new door. While that’s hard to do, it gives you the most incredible advantage over any woman in the dating world.

What’s Your Story? What Makes You “Click?”

How do we begin? What do we do?

If men are looking for women who are that missing puzzle piece, it means they’re going to date a woman within their Tribe. He already knows how he wants his life to unfold; he just needs to find the right partner. Perferably someone who:

  • Is part of his tribe
  • Is fascinating
  • Helps him get closer to his ideal life

If you’re unfamiliar with this concept of a Tribe, you can find my guides here, where I discuss it in more detail. If not, I will give you a simple definition:

A Tribe is a group of people or an identity you sense a deep belonging with. As in, your identity is tied up in this group. So it should be of something important.

If I’m a nerdy introvert who enjoys gaming, I’m not looking for a bubbly extrovert who attends sports events every weekend. Instead, I am looking for someone like me, but who can show me something fascinating that I didn’t know existed within my tribe.

For example:

  • If you meet a man who travels to your country and you’re a local who loves traveling, you will instantly be drawn to each other. You will be incredibly fascinating and show him things only locals know. You will give him a rare experience and build a connection. You will then travel together (I have witnessed this experience many times).
  • You’re both into video games, and he discovers you’re a game developer or trying to develop a game. He’ll likely find that very admirable and fascinating, and he wants to know more about game development. He checks out your game and is amazed at how much he likes/enjoys it.
  • You find a man who loves to grill, and you love to cook. You can bond over your love for food, but also share things that will ultimately improve the quality of your cooking and skills.

The next thing is that no matter what you add, have a story behind it, whether that’s:

  • Why are you passionate about this thing?
  • How did you develop the skill to do this?
  • How did you get from where you were to where you are?

All these should be told in story form. The best way to approach it is to think of your life as a story with a plot and a twist. Bring a man along for a ride. If we use the above examples:

  • It takes more than just telling a guy you like to travel. He must experience something with you relating to travel that brings him down he rabbit hole.
  • Talking about games is great, but letting him in on the developer side of gaming and even helping him design a game (something he wanted to do but never knew where to start) would be amazing.
  • Telling him your favorite food and why you like to cook is great, but cooking techniques and making dishes he has never tried has you two go on a journey to find and try authentic food within its own culture.

The goal is to add depth and layers to things that you both find fascinating, to the point where he wants to learn more about them. Not just boring “Tell me about yourself.” You have to lure people in first.

We gravitate toward people with whom we share similar interests. We commit to people who add to/enrich our lives.

Tell A Passionate Story

Humans connect through stories and experiences. Live a life so fun that the reason you want a relationship is you want to share this awesome experience with someone. What you have is passionate.

So far, we’re connecting through stories and experiences. We’re not just asking people questions; we are living it. He’s curious, intrigued, and fascinated. He wants to learn more about you.

The next thing is passion. We need enthusiasm. No one wants to listen to a monotone narrator of their favorite audiobook. No one wants to go on a date with someone who is lifeless. Add energy to everything you do.

To start, to convince a man to go down the rabbit hole, you have to sound convincing. What sounds better:

Him: “Hey, how was your day?”

You: “It was good. Tired. How was yours?”

Or…

Him: “Hey, how was your day?”

You: “You won’t believe what just happened.”

You need to be fun to be around. Bring it up a notch. Do you have to be like this all the time? Of course not. But it’s noticed when it is. Even someone like me, who is extremely chill and introverted, would like something like this. Just don’t make it drama. I don’t care about your coworkers or the rude guy on the bus. Make it interesting.

If you want to go to the extreme, what is the story behind you, him being with you, and that you two are going on?

Every great story has a simple flow: life starts normally, something happens that changes everything, tension builds, a big turning point occurs, and then a new normal is established. If you share your story in this way, people naturally lean in because they’re wired to want to know what happens next.

Here are examples based off what we’ve been using:

The Tourist And The Local:

A man needs to escape life. Feels trapped in his job. He decides to take a small trip where he meets a beautiful local (you) who also loves traveling. Not only that, but you know all the hidden gems tourists never find. You show him secret spots, teach him about your culture, and give him an experience no guidebook could offer. As he gets to know you, he’s drawn into your adventurous spirit. The real turning point comes when you suggest traveling to another city together, and he eagerly says yes. After that trip, you’re no longer just a local girl he met — you’re the woman who changed the entire course of his journey.

The Gamer And Developer:

He spent most of his nights getting lost in video games, sometimes playing too much, wondering if he had any real purpose. Then he met you — a woman who not only loved gaming but was actually creating her own. He was amazed when he played your game and saw the depth of your story and design. For the first time, gaming wasn’t just an escape — it became something inspiring. Motivated by you, he started learning how to create games too, and working on your passions together brought you closer than he ever expected.

The Cook And Griller:

He loved grilling — it was his thing. But everything changed when he met you, a woman who was just as passionate about cooking. It started with swapping tips and favorite recipes, but quickly grew into weekend cook-offs, daring each other to try new styles and flavors. The real turning point came when you planned a trip together — traveling to different cities (and even different countries) to experience authentic food cultures firsthand. From smoky street tacos in Mexico to rich handmade pastas in Italy, you turned your shared love of food into a real adventure. Cooking wasn’t just something you did anymore — it became a bond that deepened with every new place, every new dish, and every memory you created along the way.

If you think this is corny or too much, that’s fine. I understand but do know that your relationship with this guy is a story whether you think it is or not. It will play out for good or bad based on how the story unfolds. Might as well make it worth reading/watching.

If you’d like to work together and have me as your dating coach, please click the link here.