If you have asked yourself, “Why do I keep getting ghosted?” You’re not alone. The funny thing is, most people get ghosted when things are going well.
Getting ghosted is one of the worst feelings, especially when you thought things were going well. Humans love clarity and transparency and someone robbed you of that.
Do you want to know what feels worse?
Always getting ghosted and never getting that closure.
If this is happening to you, you’re not alone. It is a lot more common than you think. In my line of work, people are constantly getting ghosted.
That’s the reason I decided to write this article, where we’re going to go over:
- Why people ghost
- Why you are constantly getting ghosted
- What you can do about it
Before we start, if you want to jumpstart and master the dating fundamentals, please check out my free 9 guide series here. It will help you in every way possible.
Your Filtering Process Is Horrific
Filtering is everything when it comes to relationships. I have been a dating coach for over a decade, and I can tell you that the number one thing that saves you time, headache, and heartbreak is how good you are at filtering people.
Ghosting has nothing to do with you. You have to shift your mind and understand that it’s a horrible coping and escape process people have when accountability, confrontation, and responsibility come into play.
That’s why you never get ghosted early unless it’s a “wham-bam-thank-you-mam” type of interaction. The pressure and need to be held accountable and responsible isn’t there yet.
It’s just two people hanging out, having fun, and hooking up (until it isn’t anymore).
It has almost a 100% success rate if you’re good at filtering.
Yes, you heard that correctly. If you’re good at filtering people, you can prevent almost all of ghosting.
To help you with that, I already wrote a powerful and detailed article: Your 5-Step Filter Process For Dating Serious Men Only.
People give off so many signs that ghosting can come into play:
- Newly single.
- Talks a lot about an ex.
- People in specific careers (yes, this is true): doctors, nurses, pilots, police officers, personal trainers, musicians, just to name a few.
- Haven’t been in a relationship in a long time, but say they want one.
- Inconsistent.
- Too intense (no one, including you, is that special where if they’re telling you things that are too good to be true, they are).
- Unsure what they want and use phrases like “go with the flow” or “see what happens.”
- Long distance (can work, but statistically it’s more likely to happen). More on this later.
It’s never one thing that screams “Ghoster!” It’s an accumulation of them.
Ghosters Love Nice People
Ghosters love nice people. Especially when you understand how our species works as a whole:
The job of the organism is to survive and reproduce while avoiding risk along the way. When I want to survive (save on resources) and reproduce (find a mate), no one is easier than the nice girl who doesn’t make me invest, gives me multiple chances, and sees the good in people.
When you’re in the dating market, high-value people are that way for a reason:
They have assets people want and hold those assets in high regard, meaning you must invest heavily to get them. This caused them to be amazing at filtering out bullshit when it happens.
Suppose you’re a low-value, emotionally unavailable, narcissistic player, f-boy, or whatever. In that case, you’re not going to waste your time on those high-value assets that are locked behind a solid door.
You will go after the nice person who sees the good in you.
Why? Because they’re less risky (turning down someone), save you on resources (usually don’t invest as much), and give you multiple chances, which all benefit the Ghoster.
Listen, I know that sounds horrible and I agree. But what I am saying isn’t something subjective. It’s 100% objective. I have studied evolutionary psychology for over a decade. This is why it happens.
Ghosters choose friendly people because they’re selfish and it’s easier. It’s that simple. The stronger the barrier to entry, while having a good filter, the less likely it is that it will happen.
To go into this further, I have an article here: 5 Cold-Blooded Reasons Men Ignore Despite Things Going Well.
They’re Emotionally Unavailable
Emotionally unavailable people only have two decisions to make at the end of a situationship:
- To pull away and let the person know they’re emotionally unavailable.
- To ghost.
It will always be one of the two.
Emotionally unavailable people have a tough time committing, and what’s sad is they can genuinely like you and what you two had.
It’s usually like pulling a rug out from under you because you don’t see it coming.
The reason for this is that emotional unavailability lies dormant until necessary.
What I mean by this is it’s awakened by context: the things you do and say over time that create a serious relationship vibe.
These things include:
- sex
- consistency
- dates
- frequency
- pace
- future planning
- meeting friend/fam
- vulnerability
- and much more
As I said earlier, when you start talking, it’s just two people hanging out, having fun, and hooking up. But over time, these things naturally happen and build substance in a relationship.
This substance makes someone feel pressured because they feel obligated to give you something they can’t.
This leads me to the following reason.
The Intensity Was Too Much
The crazy thing is that when people ghost, it more likely happens on either ends of the spectrum:
- It happens when the relationship is sporadic, casual, inconsistent, and you have long gaps between seeing each other. This helps the ghoster justify just letting it go because it’s nothing substantial in the first place.
- It can also happen when things are going well and everything feels right just like I pointed out above with the emotionally unavailable person, that causes pressure because they feel obligated to give you something they can’t, especially when things are amazing.
This is why you will see people sometimes go hot and cold or send mix signals. Mix signals scream:
“I want you and your assets, but I’m not sure where I see you long-term.” It balances things in the middle of the spectrum where they do just enough to get the assets you offer, but do not feel the intensity to take it further.
Mixed signals are their way of saying, “I want something when it’s convenient for me. Other than that, leave me alone.”
If you obey that, they may not ghost (early on) but will take advantage of you and you’ll be worse off long-term.
I don’t want you to think, “Okay, if I keep the right intensity, they will stay.”
No. A ghoster is a ghoster and it will happen no matter what it’s just a matter of time. The job is to filter these people out to prevent it from happening in the first place.
Here is an excellent article on the matter: Why do people ghost when things are going well.
The Logistics Favor Ghosting
A ghoster will ghost no matter what. It’s just a matter of time. However, in my line of work, I see patterns on when it is most likely to happen.
Logistics play a heavy role in whether someone is going to ghost or not because it helps them justify their actions instead of being accountable or confronted for such a weak move.
Some logistics include:
- Long distance
- Newly talking
- Inconsistency
- Early sex
- Low number of dates
- Agreeing to be casual/fwb
- Them doing it before
- Large gaps in between seeing eachother
The reason it’s most likely to happen in these scenarios is the person doesn’t have to confront you. In many of these if the person pulls away, they’re either going to:
- Delete you on everything so they don’t have to chat about it
- If they do chat about it, they’ll gaslight you or say they ran into some personal issues (blah blah blah).
Most of the time, a combined 2–3 points discussed on this list make it a surefire sign you’ll be ghosted.
If you’re in a situation where it’s long-distance and you never met but it’s intense, good luck.
It won’t end well if you’re talking to someone emotionally unavailable, but you’re moving fast or didn’t filter them correctly.
If the person you’re talking to says they want a relationship but haven’t had one in 3 years, and you live across the country, it won’t happen.
You get the idea.
Click the link here if you’re interested in working with me. I’d love to work with you.
