Posts Tagged → ghosting

Why Men Decide To Ghost You When Things Are Going Well

“Ghosting isn’t about you — it’s about a man running from the intimacy he wasn’t built to hold.”

One of the biggest conundrums in dating is not ghosting — but why do men ghost when things are going well? That goes against all logic.

Or does it?

The problem many of us have when tackling this situation is we’re looking at it from the lens of a healthy individual who wants a relationship. Instead, we need to look at how ghosting (unfortunately) benefits the ghoster: Why they did it, what logic they have, and what their ultimate goal is.

In this article, I am going to give you the most accurate reasons on why men ghost when things are going well.

The Better It Is, The Worse Ghosting Gets

Here is the truth you’re not going to want to hear. Men ghost only for three reasons:

  • They‘re selfish human beings who didn’t see you in the long term.
  • They hate confrontation and accountability.
  • They’re emotionally unavailable, and the pressure has built up, making him anxious to continue.

A can of worms has opened when you talk to someone who likes you but cannot give you a relationship. 

They may have said, “Yes, I am looking for a relationship,” and acted all boyfriend-like, but that’s where the problem arises. It always starts that way. You’re an interesting woman and he’s talking to a girl he likes. Of course, he’s going to be down for it.

Emotional unavailability (which more men are EU than you think) is at a crazy high. If you don’t believe me, watch the video below on why there are so many EU men today.

The thing with EU is these men still feel, crave, desire, and avoid the same thing every other normal person does. He still:

  • Desires you.
  • Builds a genuine connection.
  • Is curious.
  • Wants to see where things go.
  • Loves the chemistry you two have.

He doesn’t have to worry about EU yet because the context hasn’t built up. It’s just two people who like each other and enjoy a good time. I tell my clients the EU lies dormant in someone until the context awakens it. That includes:

  • How long have you two been talking
  • How consistent
  • Exclusive talk
  • Sex
  • Meeting friends and family
  • The pace
  • Leavign things over at eachother’s place
  • Future planning
  • And many more

All these things are great…if you’re talking to a normal and available man because it’s positive feedback and validation. It lets us know, “Okay we like each other and things are going well. Awesome.”

However, when you’re EU, this stuff feels like pressure. He starts to think:

“What did I just get myself into? I like her sure but I can’t give a relationship and here I am future planning, telling her I want a relationship, and hooking up. I feel guilty leading her on.”

The fact that things were going so well makes him feel worse. Because he believes he painted this amazing picture of an ideal situation with an ideal relationship. He can’t deliver on it, although he feels obligated to do so. This pressure pushes men away.

Should he confront the situation and talk to you about it? Sure, but like I said earlier, men hate confrontation and accountability. Is that a valid excuse? Hell no! But it’s his reasoning.

Which leads us to the next reason you’re getting ghosted.

What’s His “Justification?”

Men start to run through a checklist on what to do. No different than a pilot going through a safety checklist before takeoff. He’s trying to justify being a piece of shit for what he’s about to do.

Here are some of the things men will justify:

  • “She doesn’t deserve me; the faster I disappear, the quicker she will get over it.”
  • “We’ve only been talking for a couple months. It’s not that serious. She will be fine.”
  • “I already did enough harm. I don’t want to explain myself and make it worse. I want it to be over.”
  • “Well, to be fair, I never said anything about a relationship.”
  • “Maybe if I just disappear and do it long enough she will move on/leave me alone.”

There is always justification for a man ghosting unless he genuinely doesn’t care — which I know sounds weird because someone who cares wouldn’t ghost in the first place. 

That is why I believe men who ghost are narcissists or emotionally unavailable. Narcissism is self-explanatory. But your guy was probably decent, and you never considered him narcissistic. This is the only hiccup you had with him. 

That’s why I believe he’s emotionally unavailable. They have this thing where they’re great until their back is against the wall, and he has to choose between their own well-being and yours. He turns into a frightened animal who will lash out at anyone. 

I have been a coach for ten years. I see it ALL the time (literally daily with clients).

If you want to avoid emotionally unavailable men I suggest you watch this video:

Does He Feel Bad?

Most men feel bad for ghosting you unless they’re a piece of shit (which yes, if you ghost you’re a POS). Do they get over it quickly? Probably faster than you’d like, but that’s dependent on your relationship, how long it lasted, and how cruel it ended.

Let me tell you things I believe they honestly feel guilty about:

  • Leading you on.
  • Telling you things and getting your hopes up.
  • Painting this picture of being an ideal guy and pulling the rug out from under you.

Basically, leading you on lol. Please, if you get anything from my work, get this: Do not let him back in. The same thing will happen. I bet my life on it. While they feel guilty, it’s not bad enough for him to give you an explanation so why are you giving him the time?

Emotional unavailability is a tough thing to change. It takes a long time. He has no reason to change if you stand around hoping and waiting for change. If anything, he will take advantage of you and the fact that you’re hopeful.

The best and most respectful thing is that he owes you a reason for breaking it off. The fact that he ghosts you tells me everything.