A woman needs to be courted. I know times are changing, and men aren’t what they used to be, but I believe we can keep the tradition of a man taking a woman out on a nice date, getting to know her, and building something special.

I know the truth. Men DO want to court you. They want to court the right woman. In this breakdown, we are going to make men court you like you’re a damn queen.

In This Article:

• Giving/taking power and respect. We will discuss how the person with and without power perceives power. This is crucial in maintaining power.
• The transition of power. We will discuss how power is transitioned between two people in good and bad ways.
• How it plays out. The power needs to be played out correctly or you can go down a bad path that’s impossible to come back from.
• Negotiation of power and respect. A lot of power is negotiated. What you allow and don’t allow in your situationship dictates how the game is played.

**If you’d like to work with me or get my guides, please click the link here.**

Giving And Taking Power

Let me tell you something about power that you may disagree with:

Power is given and taken away based on whether someone wants you to have it or not.

I know that may not sound like the definition of power (or the exact opposite), but hear me out. In dating, if someone does not want you to have power, they don’t have to agree to the “frame” you’re creating and/or play the game you want them to play. They can leave, and the interaction is over.

This would be the best move for them since sticking around would be a lose/win situation, and leaving would be a lose/lose situation.

This means that for power to work in one’s favor, one should be willing to give a lot back. Everyone should benefit. Let me give you an example.

If we take a king in power over a country, don’t you think that king will do well if the citizens prospered from the king being in power? Because of this, the people will:

• Think highly of the king
• Vote for the king again
• Show loyalty
• Have a like-bias towards them
• Trust the king
• And so on

They want to give power to the king because he’s responsible, and the payoff is that the people do well.

On the other hand, let’s say the king was horrible like some past leaders. Sure, they can entice fear and make people do things, but it’s almost like walking on eggshells. The people:

• Don’t trust him
• Want him out
• Plan to assassinate him
• Want to dethrone him
• Find power elsewhere
• Leave the country

It’s just a matter of time before something happens. That’s how history plays out, at least.

So, what does this have to do with you and dating?

A lot! No one will cave into the other (unless manipulated) if they feel they’re being taken advantage of by giving the other person respect and power.

This means men are going to be hesitant in courting you if:

• They feel you’re using sex as a bargaining chip
• Not serious about them
• Playing hard to get
• Not showing appreciation for their investment
• You’re not reciprocating

This sounds like common sense, and you’re thinking, “Okay, Elliot, I don’t do this, though.” But it’s not about if you do it or not. It’s about if he believes you’re doing it. That’s a big difference.

From my experience as a coach, I talk to thousands of women a year on the phone, and when they tell me their problems, something like this always comes up. Remember, neither you nor he plays the perfect game. We constantly make mistakes.

With that being said, you probably don’t wanna give a guy power if:

• You feel he wants sex
• He’s taken you for granted
• He’s not investing enough
• You think he thinks he has you
• He’s talking to multiple women

To dive even deeper on this subject, it’s important to know why one of you would want to keep power versus giving it up. By the way, if someone does not give it up, it’s a huge red flag.

We want to hold onto power to avoid RISK!

Here is what happens when he has power:

As you can see, he’s avoiding risk, and you’re taking a lot of risk here. You’re chasing a guy and seeking validation at the risk of him not even committing! That’s not good. No one wants to be in that situation.

Let’s look at when the roles are flipped, and you have power:

Now, he’s seeking validation and having to invest when he doesn’t know you will hook up or choose him.

The secret here with power is two things:

• Trust: Do I trust you with the power? Do I trust things will be good when you have it?
• What’s in it for me? If both parties win, a transition of power is fine.

Okay, so what are you telling me to do?

When he has power, see how he uses it. If he takes advantage of you while he has it, you must call his bluff and/or leave. You cannot stay! It will make it worse!

If you have power, ensure you’re not still “playing games” because men will pick up on it and take it personally. You’ll fall for him and give him power back and then he will hold onto it as much as possible.

But if trust and shared benefits are involved, both should be okay.

The Transition Of Power

After reading everything above, you’re curious about when power transitions and how to know when you have it. That’s what we are going to break down here.

First off, what I am about to tell you is NOT set in stone. it’s not permanent. It’s more of a “rule of thumb” when the game is played correctly but can always change.

If you want to know how has TRUE power, remember this:

“Power is who can do less and get the same outcome.”

This means if you’re sitting on your ass and having a man chase, you have power. If he’s relaxing while you’re freaking out and in your head wondering where this situationship is going, he has power.

Of course, we don’t want this to happen no matter who has power because then it gets stagnant and you lose all momentum toward it moving into a relationship.

What is most important to understand is who has the power, when it transitions, and what to do when you have the power.

To help demonstrate this, I made a little design:

Let me now explain why each of you has power in these situations:

First Meeting: It’s neutral power because the dynamic hasn’t been set up yet. The game hasn’t been played yet. However, I think good framing can make the difference here and get one of you off on the right foot. If you want to know more about this, please check out my guide on power.

Framing a relationship: You have the power here because you DO NOT move forward unless he says, “I am looking for a relationship.” If you do, you automatically lose because you made a blunder. More on that later on. Think of it as a horrible negotiation if you continue without him saying he’s on the same page as you.

Courtship: You have power for several reasons. For one, you’re “doing less” and getting the same outcome. You’re not putting anything up for risk because there is nothing to lose here. On the other hand, he has something to lose because he’s investing in you without knowing if you’ll choose him and continue.

At this point and further, you will realize something that is NOT a coincidence: Whenever someone does or doesn’t have power, you will see them adapt to what’s happening. For example, when the woman has power, she will slow it down and have the guy prove himself, whereas the guy will want to move fast, love bomb you, and try to have sex as soon as possible. I am sure you have had this happen plenty of times.

On the other end, when he has power (after hooking up), you want to speed things up by getting validation and security, wanting him to invest, clarity, and hope that he’s still on the same page as you. He on the other hand slows it down by chilling, relaxing, not immediately getting back to you, and so on.

That is why the first portion of this article is so important. If you trust each other, want the same thing, and both parties benefit, this trade-off isn’t as scary as it may seem.

Sex: Here a man has power because you’re giving up a very important asset that makes you vulnerable and gives him power.

After Sex: He is going to have a lot of power after sex because this is the valuable asset you should only be giving to men that you care about. He has it, and it will be difficult for a woman because you’re putting all your trust in a man right before the relationship.

Relationship: While you would think you’d both have power here, especially if you wanted the same thing, you have power because in the perfect world, he would be able to have his cake and eat it too. This isn’t the most optimal sexual strategy for men. What is optimal is a man who gets the benefits of a relationship without being in one. I’m not saying you should do that, but that’s what HIS best move is.

Consistent Sex In A Relationship: He gets sex and you get the relationship so both people are benefitting from the relationship. Yes, I know there is more to a relationship than sex. Yes, I know men want more than sex. That doesn’t matter. It’s what Mother Nature wants and decides.

Power Sequence And How It Unfolds

This is a difficult concept to explain, but I will try my best using pictures, examples, and analogies.

When it comes to power and respect, a lot of people look at it linear like they do with, let’s say, working out:

“Oh man! I had such a horrible day of eating. I feel like I made all this progress and am now moving backwards. I have to jump back on the program and keep moving forward.”

They think of it as one-dimensional. They’re either moving forward or backward:

While there is some truth in this thought process, it’s limited.

Instead, power needs to be seen like chess. In chess, if you make one move over another—let’s say you decide to move the Queen instead of your Bishop—the way that game unfolds is entirely irrelevant to each other. They’re two completely different games now with two different outcomes.

The best way to explain it is to imagine opening another alternate universe and version of yourself.

If we use the example of you sleeping with a guy too early as the “move/mistake” you make, there is now a way the game unfolds with you sleeping with a guy versus you not sleeping with him. It’s not linear thinking like, “Oh I slept with him. I need to play the game correctly to get my power back.”

No. That’s not how it works. In chess, we call this a blunder.

Blunder: A mistake/wrong move that dramatically decreases your chances of winning a game.

Yes, you still need to play the game correctly. Not for the reason you think. It’s not to gain power back. It’s to take advantage of the opportunity when he makes a mistake.

The thing is, he may not make a mistake as great as your blunder. Everyone makes mistakes. No one (not even me) plays the perfect game. You have to play better than your opponent. But if you make a blunder, it’s hard to recover from.

So why am I telling you all this? What does it have to do with the article?

Up to this point, we talked about wanting to give someone power, both sides benefitting, and transitioning power.

It’s difficult for someone to transfer power to you when you give them such a huge advantage.

If you sleep with me early, I cannot hand you the power back. You may say that this is all games and if someone liked you this wouldn’t be happening. That’s true. But several things:

• It’s early on. You’re not even official yet, so their liking you enough just to make a mistake like you did isn’t part of the picture yet.
• You don’t know what type of guy this is. You don’t know what he wants, his intentions, and what he’s about. It’s better to play the safe game and watch it unfold.
• A lot of people don’t think about power this way. This is more subconscious. People think about pleasure and benefits. For example, I am not thinking, “How do I hold onto this power.” Instead, I am thinking, “I want to have sex again.” My actions will show this and when you give me a lot of power, I am going to try to have sex with you again because why not? We did before so why not again? You’re not going to like how this plays out, obviously.

Again, no one can play the perfect game. The key to a good game is prevention and to play as tight a game as possible.

If you want it to transition towards a relationship, neither of you must make blunders. That can hold things up.

For example, if he makes a colossal mistake and forgets you had plans Saturday night, you will pay him for it. You will make him invest more, prove himself, and show consistency before sleeping with him. It would look like this:

Of course, you could make a mistake along the way which gives him power back:

Negotiations: The Number One Way You Lose/Gain Power

When going through the journey of casual to committed, you want to make sure the game is played fairly. While transitioning power, you want to make sure the “Deal” is good and things run smoothly toward the goal of a relationship.

That can only happen if you know the deal you’re signing. I call this the Negotiation:

Some women don’t realize the situations their actions (or lack of) put them in. I have had clients come to me and say, “I have no idea why I keep getting myself in these situations. What am I doing wrong?”

Sometimes, it’s hard to figure out what you’re doing wrong. Let me give you a great example.

You and a guy you’re in a situationship and were intimate with are cuddling and you decide to turn to him and ask, “Hey I like you, this is fun, I feel a great connection, and want to know what you think. I want something more.” You just started a negotiation.

The thing you’re negotiating is a relationship. Let’s say he comes back with, “That is awesome. I like you too. I think you’re amazing. However, I am not looking for something serious right now. Maybe in the future.” He just renegotiated.

The next step is where women get in trouble. She doesn’t leave. She sticks around, hoping that things are going to change. She holds onto his statement of “Maybe in the future” and continues the situationship that turns into an FWB. She loses power here.

Why?

There are several reasons why she lost power:

For one, he makes the call now. She’s waiting on HIM to make the call for a relationship. He’s calling the shots and if she’s waiting around, it’s on his watch and he will take his time. This is a mistake according to everything we have discussed up to this point in the article.

Sometimes, the most vital position in a negotiation is where you’re willing to walk away and mean it.

Secondly, the power sequence we talked about earlier was wrong. She should have initially discussed what she was looking for and stated that she sought something serious before progressing forward.

Thirdly, she negotiated herself in a worse position. He knows she wants a relationship; she’s sticking around hoping for one, continuing to give him the benefits, and she made a huge blunder. He just has to play the game without making a huge blunder now, and she wins.

Sadly, this is how dating is. There is a saying I always tell my clients:

Dating is transactional. Love is where we make the sacrifices.

What I mean by this quote is that dating is transactional. It involves a lot of give-and-take while building attraction and minimizing risk. No one will sacrifice their health, happiness, and peace of mind for someone they are not in a relationship with. Sacrifices are made only in a relationship because we are a team, and I care about you enough to keep you afloat.

That is why you need to look at dating as a negotiation. You can be fun, flirty, relaxed, open up, and sexual…to an extent.

Ask yourself these questions:

• Am I losing power with these moves?
• Is he gaining power unnecessarily?
• Do I trust him?
• What position does this leave me in?

I wanted to discuss everything in this article before this section. There is NOTHING wrong with being in the worst position, losing power, and giving him power if you’re on the same page, trust him, and know he’s earned it and has lost power to you before.

Give in a little if he’s been a good guy and courted you. Just don’t fuck your sequence up and sleep with him early. That’s a big blunder that is hard to come back from.

Almost everything is a negotiation because the little variable of everyday options/choices you have leads to the bigger picture (context). Let me give you an example.

If you agree to have a guy come over and watch a movie for the second date, that may not be something many people do, but it’s not necessarily a bad move. Let’s say you two just cuddled and made out.

This negotiation is because you agreed to let him come over versus taking you out.

Remember the power sequence we talked about earlier? You’re creating two alternate “games of chess” again:

Again, it’s bigger-picture thinking. Coming over and cuddling isn’t a bad thing. It’s how the sequence unfolds to where your actions indicate you’re okay with this, WHICH MEANS you negotiated yourself into this position. Does that make sense?

That is how women fall into horrible negotiation traps and lose power.

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