Posts Tagged → Regret

How To Get Him To Regret Everything By Correctly Acting Cold

“You don’t need revenge. Coldness lets karma do all the work.”

If you want him not only to regret losing you, but to squirm and come crawling back, I’ve got some good news for you.

Getting a man to regret losing you is easier than you think. Once you understand the psychology behind regret and what prevents men from regret, you will see a clear (and scientific) path to him having second thoughts.

In this article, I am going to break everything down:

  • The psychology of regret
  • His thoughts
  • The different “types” of cold

The Psychology Of Regret: What’s He Thinking?

Here is an easy way to think about regret:

Regret involves two things: Self-blame and missed opportunity. As soon as we can create those two variables, things will fall into place.

This is easier said than done, but it’s a start. This is why the first thing I tell a lot of my clients is YOU must create this missed opportunity. Sitting around waiting, hoping, and breadcrumbing each other only makes the process longer (and you pay the cost).

That’s why the first thing we must start to drill into his mind is the concept of loss aversion:

Loss aversion is a psychological principle that explains why people feel the pain of losing something more intensely than the pleasure of gaining something of equal value.

The problem is that if you’re NOT acting cold, we can never trigger this. Instead, what will happen is he’s going to feel comfortable breadcrumbing you (knowing you’re not going anywhere) while entertaining something new.

It’s only when he realizes he has to give up one for another that he has to make a choice. We’re trying to create a scenario where he makes a choice. Could he choose to leave and be gone forever? Sure, and it will suck but it’s a choice.

Regret is self-inflicted. He can’t regret anything if he can’t reflect. He can’t reflect if he didn’t make a mistake. He can’t make a mistake if you never leave.

The Four-Stage Process Men Go Through To Regret

Men don’t just regret their decision once they make it and there is a reason. He has a narrative in his head already. He looks at what I call “the variables” and explains why he feels he should leave. 

Variables can be many different things:

  • How do you two get along?
  • Are you what he’s looking for?
  • Do you fight often?
  • Do you want the same thing?
  • Did you give him the ick?
  • Does he feel he can get better?
  • Are you not his type? Are you from the same “tribe?”

Many things. But once he has enough of these variables, his brain looks for the exit strategy. That’s where these stages come in.

Stage One: Current Mood

When you start being cold (we will explain what that is and means), he will have different ways of interpreting your actions. The top three are usually:

  • “I don’t care/just leave me alone.” He could be feeling this because there is a reason why he’s pulling away and acting differently, which is why you did NC in the first place. It’s fresh to him so it hasn’t hit him yet.
  • He may try to negotiate to keep you around: He may realize he was taking you for granted or getting a worse deal now that he lost you and may not be talking to anyone else. This comes from the guy who likes you but can’t commit for whatever reason. It could be he’s emotionally unavailable, newly single, etc. This is the most common mindset. This happens in quadrant two.
  • His ego is involved, so he calls your bluff: He may try to make you jealous, not react at all, or wait you out. It doesn’t matter because you need to stick to your decision.

I want to give you pinpoint accuracy on which mindset your guy has by you pulling away. However, I want you to understand this:

You’re not going to see the results right away from NC. It can take months and consistency before you see anything. No earlier than 1 month and around 3 months.

“Why does it take so long?”

Because he’s in the mindset of not wanting a relationship, taking you for granted, lack of attraction, etc, which caused you to go cold in the first place. Just because you’re cold doesn’t mean it immediately changed.

It takes time because he has variables that created a narrative in his head that it’s best to leave.

Stage Two: He’s Adapting To The New Outcome

You have him starting to live a life without you. He still has the same mindset he had previously; he’s just living it to see if it’s the right move. 

This is an essential step for you to understand because if you were someone who always gave him chances, came back, gave him the benefit of the doubt, or let this bullshit run for too long, this step may take a while. How long? I am not sure. It could be a couple of months. 

We must hold our ground here. Let me go. He’s going to call your bluff. In his mind, he still has you if HE wants you.

Men must go through two levels of realization before realizing you’re gone:

  • He believes he calls the shots. He’s the one who left and you showed him a bunch of variables that you like him and want it to work out. He thinks he just has to show up, say a couple things, and you’ll let him back in.
  • If you hold your ground long enough though, things start to change. He starts to think, “Oh shit, maybe she’s serious.” and that’s the first signs that creep into his brain that he messed up.

Here is how his mindset works in terms of the two steps. Again, it can only be based on evidence:

When enough time goes by, he will reflect.

Stage Three: He Starts To Reflect

The reason he’s always going to reflect is he wants to avoid regret. He knows what it’s like with and without you and as I said earlier:

  • Is he blaming himself?
  • Did he feel he missed out on a good thing/opportunity?

If we can create this, we can create regret. By the way, I have a No Contact guide that goes into more detail if you’re interested. Just click here.

He will start to reflect and ask himself:

  • Was it worth it?
  • Are the assets worth the cost of a relationship?
  • Did I take her for granted?
  • Was she one of the best options I had, and I am just a moron?
  • Were the assets worth the cost?
  • Was I happier when she was around?
  • What do I want? Am I even sure what I want or am I just afraid?

Being cold allows him to ask himself these questions, process his feelings, and make a decision. This is usually when he is alone, whether in bed, watching TV, sitting at home on a Saturday night, bored at work, or driving. 

This brings us to the last step.

Stage Four: Is He Going To Act On It?

He may return if he realizes he is a fool and has a good thing. If he wanted a relationship and took you for granted, you may hear from him soon. 

Just because he’s back and talking to you doesn’t mean you win. It doesn’t even mean anything has changed. Yeah, he could have missed you. He realizes you’re an awesome-ass chick and that’s hard to come by. But is he going to commit? Has he changed due to reflecting on the situation?

Men never jump from “not being sure about you” to automatically “wanting to commit.” He’s going to see what he can get first. It’s all a negotiation. But never give him anything unless he commits.

Being Cold The Right Amount

Many people may feel you’re either cold or you’re not. While I do agree with this for the most part, I do want to mention some caveats that I think are important:

  • Please don’t use being cold as a tactic to get him back. You must communicate your boundaries, what you’re looking for, the problem, and a solution. Only when you can’t meet in the middle/come up with a solution, should you start being cold.
  • Cold is more of a last resort toward things. It’s not something you do to get a reaction out of him or play a game. If he is being cold, voice your concerns. If we can’t change the situation, pull back and respect your own boundaries.
  • Being cold isn’t a tit for tat. You’re not doing it to get payback or regain power. Although, those will naturally happen. Instead, it’s something you must commit to.
  • All types of cold have you pulling back, putting in minimal to no effort, and respecting your boundaries. The difference really is based on the situation you’re in and how horrible he disrespected you.

With that being said, let’s discuss the three levels of cold:

Neutral Cold

This is based strictly on circumstances such as co-parenting, being a coworker, part of the same friend group and so on. It’s where you feel neutral about the situation and realize that it’s better to be cordial instead of a bitch.

In this state, you’re:

  • Never directly engage unless you have to.
  • Never alone with him.
  • Never entertain him or have conversations (unless others are around).

Icy Cold

In this stage you’re essentially done with his bullshit unless he steps up. In this stage he more than likely:

  • Ghosted
  • Plays too many games
  • Took you for granted
  • Pulled back
  • Was inconsistent
  • And so on

However, the difference here is that it wasn’t all bad, and there were good times. You also hear from him semi-often, where you get the breadcrumb text or hear from him immediately.

Unfortunately, for him, that’s not enough and he needs to do a lot more than that. We listed our standards and boundaries. He’s not listening. Here is what Icy Cold looks like:

  • Not answering shit.
  • Not looking at anything (social media, post, text, etc).
  • NEVER initiating. The only reason we respond is if he’s blowing up our stuff saying he 1) misses us and wants to talk 2) realizes he screwed up and wants a relationship. That’s it.

Extreme Cold

He might as well be dead to you. You ain’t answering shit. Ever. Go to this stage if:

  • He extremely disrespected you. Especially if you gave him multiple chances.
  • He crossed a major boundary.
  • The relationship was toxic and he gaslights the shit out of you.
  • He’s a narcissist and/or manipulator. 
  • You decide you don’t want him at all and are happier without him.

No matter what level of coldness you choose, it has to be enough where he’s not getting ANY assets or benefits from you. In fact, he needs to feel he’s lost some. He then needs to be convinced (this takes time) that you’re actually done with him.

I don’t think any dude is worth this effort. God forbid you want consistency and transparency. If a guy can’t give you that, I say you just go cold and call it a day. 

How Long Do I Need To Be Silent For Him To Feel Like An Idiot And Regret Everything?

Silence can be a woman’s most powerful tool when dealing with a man who has pulled away or behaved in ways that don’t align with her needs and boundaries.

It’s not about playing games — it’s about structure and giving both parties the space to reflect on their behavior.

For women who want to know how long they need to stay silent to make a man regret his actions and feel like an idiot for letting her go, understanding the psychology behind silence is essential.

This article will break down how men think during a woman’s silence, how long it typically takes for them to realize their mistakes, and the key variables that influence the effectiveness of silence.

**If you’re interested in working with me, click the link here.**

The Evolutionary Psychology Behind Silence

To understand why silence can profoundly impact a man, we must first look at the psychology that drives human behavior, particularly in men.

From an evolutionary standpoint, men are wired to avoid loss. Historically, men’s survival and success in social structures depended on maintaining valuable relationships espeically those that they previous invested in. We are resourceful by nature.

You may ask, “Well if that’s the case, why he’s pulling this crap to begin with were he’s testing my patience and boundaries?”

Men also tend to be less emotionally expressive and more prone to testing boundaries in relationships. As a result, they often take a woman’s presence for granted, assuming she will always be there.

It’s simply a man taking you for granted and seeing if he can achieve the same result while investing fewer resources. Obviously, this is at your expense, hence why you’re upset.

If that’s the case, can a man still regret and feel like an idiot? Yes.

When a woman chooses silence after a man has made mistakes or pulled away, it compels him to reflect. Initially, the man might not feel the impact of her absence immediately. He may even feel a temporary sense of relief, especially if he was the one pulling away or if there was tension in the relationship. However, the lack of contact begins to affect him as the days turn into weeks and then into months. The silence creates a void that he can’t ignore.

However, for this to be effective, time is crucial. Regret doesn’t happen overnight; for a person to truly feel the weight of their actions, they need space to process the situation.

How Long Should Silence Last? The 1–3 Month Rule

One of the most frequent questions women ask when considering the power of silence is, “How long should I be silent for him to regret everything?” The answer isn’t simple, but a general guideline is that silence should last anywhere from one to three months.

During the first month of silence, a man might not experience the full emotional impact. He might still assume that the woman will return or that her silence is just a temporary reaction. This is especially true if he has been given numerous chances without facing any real consequences. He may think he can wait it out and that things will eventually return to normal. In fact, during this phase, men are often in denial, thinking they have control over the situation.

However, as the silence stretches beyond the first month, things change. By the two-to-three-month mark, the emotional impact of the woman’s absence starts to hit harder. At this point, the man is no longer in denial. He starts to feel the void left by the woman, and it becomes difficult to ignore. The longer the silence continues, the more likely he will reflect on his actions and regret pushing her away.

The key takeaway here is that silence requires time to be effective. For the man to genuinely feel regret, he needs to experience enough time without the woman to understand what he has truly lost. One to three months is generally the ideal window for unfolding this process.

The Variables That Affect the Effectiveness of Silence

While the one-to-three-month rule is a good starting point, the effectiveness of silence can depend on several key variables. Understanding these variables can help you tailor your approach to your specific situation.

Past Behavior: How much has the man taken the woman for granted in the past? If the woman has repeatedly given him chances and tolerated poor behavior without setting clear boundaries, it will take longer for him to feel the consequences of her silence. If he has been used to her always coming back, he may need more time to realize that this time is different.

    This includes:

    • Him doing this before and coming back (and you let him).
    • You showing you care a lot more than he does.
    • You two talking about being exclusive but not being a couple.
    • You only talking to him and getting off the apps.
    • You trying harder than him to make it work.
    • Giving him chances he doesn’t deserve.

    The Power Dynamics: If the man has had more power in the relationship — either by pulling away repeatedly or by setting the terms — he may feel less urgency to change at first. It will take more time and a more consistent demonstration of boundaries for him to start reflecting on the situation. Power in the relationship is created by the bullet points above.

    The Woman’s Actions: Okay, let’s say you screwed up and did all the thing I listed above. We have to unwind that and make it believable that you’re actually done. That’s the goal now.

    How convincing is the silence? Mixed signals, such as liking his social media posts or checking in on him, can undo the progress made by silence. If a woman has previously shown that she can’t stay silent for long or repeatedly gives in after short periods of silence, it will be harder for the man to believe that she’s really gone this time. A woman must be fully committed to her silence for it to have the desired effect.

    His Circumstances: A man’s emotional state, attachment style, and other external factors, such as his level of interest or the presence of other distractions (e.g., a new romantic interest), can all affect how quickly he will come to regret his behavior. If he’s emotionally distant or already engaged with someone else, it may take longer for him to feel the effects of the silence.

      Why Inconsistent Silence Doesn’t Work

      One of the most common mistakes women make when using silence as a tool is inconsistency — starting off silent but caving in. You just proved to him that now he knows he has you.

      A woman might go a few days without contacting the man, only to break the silence by liking his posts or responding to his messages. This inconsistency can undermine the entire strategy.

      When a woman is silent but continues to engage in small ways:

      • Responding to him after he initiates.
      • Liking his post
      • Looking at his stories
      • Asking about him in common friend groups

      All of this shows signs that you’re playing a game and make it harder to convey you’re serious. In fact, you have to start over. I don’t give a flying f*** is his dog dies and mom comes down with an illness. Stay silent.

      “But Elliot, that’s not my personality. I care about people.”

      Yeah, not shit. That’s why you’re in this situation and not me. Ask me the last time I was in a similar situation. It was 12 years ago with an ex. Never again.

      Think of silence as a performance. If you’re acting like you’re done and not looking for reconciliation, you need to commit to that role entirely. Mixed signals, such as half-hearted gestures, will only confuse him and delay the process of regret.

      How Silence Forces a Man to Realize the Consequences of His Actions

      The ultimate goal of using silence in this context is to get the man to realize the consequences of his actions. That means there must be a consequence to his actions. A cause and effect.

      “Without structure, there is chaos.”

      This means if you don’t uphold the structure of your value, he’s going to walk on you and there will be chaos. You must pay that price then. Just don’t let it get to that point to begin with.

      It takes time.

      As the silence continues, the man feels the woman’s absence more intensely. This is when regret starts to set in. The key moment of realization comes when he understands that his behavior has led to a tangible loss — something that can’t be easily replaced. He may begin to regret not committing to or not appreciating the woman he had.

      It’s important to remember that this is a self-inflicted process. Regret is self-inflicted. If you’re silent and hold your ground, that’s the only way he’s going to have an opportunity to think, “Oh man, I screwed up.” He has no reason to reflect if you don’t give him a reason to.

      For most men, the one to three-month window is ideal for triggering self-reflection and regret. During this time, the man will begin to understand the consequences of his actions and may come to realize that he’s made a mistake. By committing fully to silence and ensuring that your boundaries are respected, you’ll give him the space to reflect on his behavior and — hopefully — return with a renewed sense of appreciation and respect for you.

      **If you want to work with me, click the link here.**