Posts Tagged → sex

The Dark Psychology Of Men After Sex

Ever wondered why some men seem emotionally available before sex, but emotionally unavailable right after?

We are going to explain why that’s the case.

Once you understand how the male brain works with sex, you’re going to be shocked on how men operate and why they do the dumb things they do.

Let’s jump into it.

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First, Does When You Have Sex Really Matter?

I don’t think that when you have sex is a strong determining factor on whether a man is going to commit or not. It’s not on a man’s “chopping block” for reasons he wouldn’t commit.

That doesn’t mean you should have sex early on. While it’s not a determining factor in terms of commitment, it still has power over other factors:

  • Power dynamics
  • Courtship
  • Value
  • Scaricty
  • Taking you for granted
  • Many other things

I always believed that if a man wants a relationship with you, is truly emotionally available, and ready for commitment, sex is just a stepping stone. It’s something that brings us closer to our mutual goal of a relationship. 

However, if a man already didn’t want a relationship with you, I could understand where you feel hooking up early might have ruined your chances because he started to “change” after being intimate.

That’s not the case. Don’t worry. Whether you held out or not, you would still get the same outcome (if he wasn’t on the same page).

I don’t ever want to tell women when to have sex because that’s ultimately up to you. However, I know a lot of women want a definite number of dates to at least gauge when. If I had to give you a number, I wouldn’t sleep with a guy before the 5th date.

The Dark Psychology Of Sex

This sounds stupid to write but the problem is having sex or when you’re having it, it’s who you’re having it with. Again, sounds stupid but let me explain.

The dark psychology of sex is solely based on the manipulation and perception a man has on the matter.

For example, the reason I am calling it “dark” is that you may actually have a decent dude who means well but is emotionally unavailable. Emotionally unavailable men don’t walk around with an inner dialogue screaming, “I am unavailable and broken I shouldn’t chase women.” They still can do the same things “normal” men do:

  • They can be genuine and mean what they say
  • They’re authentic in their words and actions
  • They like you and feel something 
  • The chemistry is real
  • The connection is real
  • And so on

The difference is what sex represents and the dreaded question, “What happens next?”

Remember how I said if you’re talking to a man who is emotionally available and on the same page as you that sex is just a stepping stone towards something more meaningful?

Well, what if your man is unsure what he wants and what he can give?

Sex adds a layer of context to the whole dynamic. Context is defined as the things you two do and say over time that creates a serious vibe in the relationship. If are on the same page, this is good. If not, this is going to get worse.

Many things create context. It’s unavoidable (you shouldn’t avoid it anyway):

  • Sex
  • Frequency of sex, dates, calls, text, etc
  • Meeting friends and family
  • Future planning
  • Pace
  • Leaving stuff over the house
  • Staying the night
  • Being exclusive
  • How long you’ve been talking

When all this is present and sex is involved, a man knows two things:

  •  He probably painted a picture (using all this context) that things are going well and that he is on the same page as you.
  • That you’re probably really digging him and expecting this to move forward.

It’s those two things that awakened the dormant unavailability in him. He had no reason to worry prior. It’s just two people who like each other talking and hanging out. But now, you have substance. 

He feels this. To him, this is pressure.

When it comes to the dark psychology after sex, it’s almost like an (emotionally unavailable) man’s brain chemistry changes: he wants space, he wants to slow down, he doesn’t want to feel pressure, he acts like this all was meaningless. 

That doesn’t mean he never cared; he was just careless. He wasn’t responsible for his actions and what they represented. He didn’t realize all the context he was created due to liking you would make this picture of an ideal relationship. He has to answer to that. That’s what causes pressure. 

So what does all this have to do with anything? It’s more important to filter a guy than to worry about when to sleep with him. You can do everything right but if it’s the wrong guy, it doesn’t matter. 

Here Is What Men Don’t Tell You After Sex: What Becomes Of You

Fact: A majority of men know what they want with you before having sex. Men know what category you’re in by the end of the first (maybe second) date. Way before having sex.

Women sometimes find this hard to believe because it goes against their natural thinking: “We can get to know each other and build a connection. We can see where things go.”

Yeah, that’s not how it works for men.

Men are what we call the “offerers.” This means men choose who they offer to court, while women are the “choosers.” Because of this, men must be resourceful and need to know the following:

  • Who they’re investing in (by our standards).
  • What we want from that person (relationship, sex, validation, etc).
  • How much are we willing to invest based on that person, what we want, etc.

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I know this doesn’t sound sexy, and for many of you, it may sound defeating, but I think it’s good news for a couple of reasons:

Sleeping With Him Doesn’t Change The Outcome

For one, sleeping with someone early or late, in terms of their attraction for you, doesn’t matter. While I don’t think you should sleep with a person early for multiple reasons (more in terms of courtship and power dynamics), it’s not the deciding factor on whether a guy ends up with you or not.

If a man wants a relationship and sees you as a potential girlfriend, it doesn’t matter to him if you sleep with him date one or date nine.

We Know The Importance Of First Impressions

I feel relieved knowing where I need to perform and be my best. A lot of women may feel that’s too much pressure. A first impression is essentially “one chance” to get it right. Don’t worry, it’s not that concrete.

You don’t have to have anywhere near as close to a perfect first impression as you think. You can make mistakes, fumble over words, not look 100% and so on.

It’s the overall vibe that a man likes:

  • Did I have fun?
  • Did I find her attractive?
  • Would I see her again?
  • How was the chemistry?

If it was good enough, he has no problem putting you into the “potentinal” GF category and exploring where it goes.

There is a spectrum. You don’t have to come out and hit the ground running. You have to do enough just to get into the category. The problem is when you don’t do enough.

Then what happens?

If you’re talking to a guy who went on a date and liked some things, and not others, you’re going to become an FWB. Maybe he finds you attractive, but doesn’t share any similar interests, for example.

It’s when you don’t click many boxes and he finds you attractive that he still may keep you around for assets. Obviously FWB for the physicality of the relationship.

This means a guy is thinking, “She was okay. I found her hot, though, so I will still talk to her. But I don’t see her long-term.”

Men will continue to talk to you for as long as you two are okay or you bring up the fact of a relationship.

The question I often get is:

Okay but while we’re FWB, can it become more? What if he likes me more down the road? Can we become a couple?

Technically, yes, you could and I have seen it. But it’s rare. The reasons it’s rare are the following:

  • The things he didn’t like/that were missing still haven’t changed.
  • If he’s talking to you and getting the benefits of a relationship without paying the cost of a relationship, why would he progress to more?

Women will push me on this and say, “Well, I won’t give him the benefits then. I won’t sleep with him.”

Okay, then why in the Hell would he stay? He already doesn’t see you as girlfriend potential and the thing he wants, you’re not giving him (not that he’s entitled to it. he’s not). It goes back to what I said earlier: he’s just wasting resources and investing in someone who is neither on the same page.

How Is This Different From Women?

Many women may read this and feel that this is their frame of thinking. You categorize men and only talk to men you see as compatible.

While this is true, I think there are several differences:

  • Men are more savage when it comes to their placements. Once you’re in a category, it’s hard to leave. For many women, a guy can build a connection with her in her eyes and move up from there.
  • While women put men in categories, it’s more subconscious. Men are more consciously active with it.
  • Women don’t really keep men around and sleep with them when they don’t see a future with them. Men do.
  • Men will put you in that category after one or two dates. Women want to get to know a guy before telling him, “Hey you’re a nice guy I just don’t feel the connection.” Men will literally not feel it on the first date and then continue to talk to you as an FWB without you even realizing it.

How The Categories Work

In my opinion, there are three categories:

  • FWB: I like the assets she has but I don’t see her long-term. We aren’t compatible long-term.
  • GF Material: I like the assets she has and I see her long-term.
  • Friend Zone: She doesn’t have the assets I am looking for in a long-term partner but I like being around her and feel compatible to her.

A better way to put all this is:

Once you’re in a category, it’s tough to move out, but you can always move to a worse one. For example:

If you’re GF material but he isn’t feeling you like he thought, he’d still keep you around for a FWB. If you’re a FWB but you’re getting attached, he may pull away and brand you as friends to let you down easy.

I guess it’s easy to go from friend to FWB but FWB to GF is hard to achieve. It’s not worth it in my opinion.

I already mentioned how he has no reason to commit if he’s already getting the relationship benefits without paying the cost. But what’s also important to remember is how much YOU will invest to move higher up. He won’t invest inyou moving up to a GF when he’s already living the good life. That will be you initiating, reaching out, planning, and keeping things afloat.

Which by the way, reinforces to him that he has you. All the more reason to keep you as an FWB because he feels you’re not going anywhere.

Again, it’s not worth it.

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