Posts Tagged → ultimatum

Why This 5 Step Process Is The Best Way To Filter Men Who Won’t Commit.

A man who won’t commit is ultimately a waste of time.

Nothing is worse than wasting your time and energy on someone who can’t give you anything in return. They drain you. They take everything from you and leave you with nothing.

It’s exhausting and it’s all because you wanted to give this guy a shot. Or better yet, you didn’t do your homework and filter him correctly.

As a dating coach of 10 years, 99% of the time, the guy gives off clear signs that he won’t commit. When I hear my clients’ stories, I pick it up in the first five minutes on what happens and why. Men ALWAYS give clues. You just have to be good at reading what’s being said.

If you’re a woman who is afraid/tired of:

  • Getting hurt
  • Wasting her time
  • Getting played
  • Opening up
  • Being strung along

My 5-step filtering process will help you save tons of time dating the wrong men.

Why This Process Works

I know men. I know how they play the game, their shortcuts, and the tricks they pull over your eyes.

Men are extremely good at luring you in and making you feel you’re the luckiest woman on Earth. This isn’t always bad. Despite what you may think, just because it didn’t turn out well and he’s the one who ended it, doesn’t mean he had ill intent.

For a large majority of men, I feel they have good intentions. I don’t think they’re lurking in the shadows waiting to find their perfect victim. Instead, I feel they’re talking to a girl they like but unfortunately, they get in their own heads, are emotionally unavailable, and can’t deliver on the promise. I’d say men are more irresponsible than deceitful.

And this is precisely why my process will work:

I know when these men are likely to fold despite having good intentions. It sneaks up on them out of nowhere, just like his behavior change blindsided you. I know and can predict accurately if this behavior change will occur.

It’s not as simple as other coaches make it. “If he does X then you do Y. And If he does A you need to do B.” My approach considers the pitfalls that will hurt you later on down the road and specific critical filters for men who want to hook up or are emotionally unavailable.

I put together a time-tested process I have used for ten years with my clients. The better you are with it, the better you can eliminate 99% of the problem men in the dating market.

By the way, if you want to work with me, figure out where your guy stands, read his mind, or fix your situation, please get a session with me. I’d love to work with you.

The 5-Step Process To Filter Men

Here are some things to know about this filtering process:

  • These steps stack. Meaning, he has to pass all of them! I don’t care if he passes a majority of them. He has to pass all unless you decide to make an executive decision and feel it’s okay to continue.
  • Emotions must be put aside. I am not saying I want you to be robotic without emotion. I want you to understand how biased we are when emotions are involved. When you go through the steps and he fails, look at it logically and then try to work through the matter. If you feel you’re using emotions such as, “But I like him,” you must stop and not move forward until you fix it logically.
  • It isn’t your job to fix, justify, or help him. Women wonder why they keep attracting men or getting in the same situations. It’s because they have a leaky filter. They will see a problem but help the guy “bypass her security” by justifying his actions, such as saying he’s busy and tired, as the reasons why he’s not making an effort.

Let’s jump into the 5-step filtering process!

Step One: Ask him what he’s looking for from the VERY BEGINNING.

I know this sounds like common sense and you may think it’s a weak first step because he can lie to your face, but you must do this. Here are a few reasons why:

  • If he does lie about it, at least you know he’s in the wrong and a piece of shit. This is much better than having the discussion 4 weeks later, where you can’t hold him accountable because you didn’t add purpose to the interaction. This is a top way men get away with shit. You can’t say he’s leading you on if you never talked about what you two are looking for.
  • It’s better to frame that you two are working towards a relationship instead of “going with the flow.” Men get free range if there is no structure.
  • I am a brilliant dating coach. I am thinking ahead. The real reason I want you to ask this question is CONTEXT.

For those who do not know, context is what you two do and say over time, creating a serious vibe within the relationship. Anything from texting, hooking up, future planning, pace, consistency, serious conversations, etc, falls under this category.

Context is neutral. This means it’s good if you two are on the same page. You want context as it lets you know we agree on where this is going, getting validation, and progressing. It isn’t nice if you two want different things, because as context builds, he will feel he’s leading you on, resulting in him pulling away.

That is why it makes sense to mention that we’re looking for a relationship. It lets him know we’re dating with intent and not to waste our time.

Step Two: Do your “detective work.”

Doing your detective work was a phrase I coined that essentially means to look at his dating history. There are three things I am trying to find out in particular, as they are the most common variables I see when a man is emotionally unavailable and doesn’t commit. Those things are:

  • One: How long has he been single? Something isn’t adding up if he’s single too long (3 years or longer) and says he wants a relationship. Trust me, it’s not “I haven’t found the right girl.” On top of that, if he’s been single for that long, the odds that you’re the girl to come in and change that are extremely rare.
  • Two: Was he cheated on in his last relationship? Men who were cheated on in their previous relationship rarely commit to the following women they’re dating. More often than not, this man is emotionally unavailable and thinks getting the benefits of a relationship without actually being in one is better.
  • Three: Has he ever had a serious long-term relationship? If you’re talking to a guy in his 30s and he’s never had a serious relationship or a guy in his 40s who has never been engaged, you won’t get anything out of these men. Again, there are reasons I ask these three questions. I see them come up time and time again as patterns of men who don’t commit.

If you want to dive deeper into things that matter less but are still important, you can look at what I call the “logistics:”

  • How far apart do you live? More than an hour, statistically, chances go down (that’s an actual stat).
  • How did he answer the “What are you looking for?” question? Only accept, “I want a relationship/am looking for something serious.”
  • His dating experience. Too much or too little is a bad sign. Men with too little but are starting to date women will want to keep dating. On the other hand, if he has too much and is still single, he will want to keep dating.

Step Three: Is he consistently investing his resources over time?

You probably discovered that men are good at lovebombing or at least, front-running their effort. For the first month, they’re good at showing you that they’re a great guy until you’re hooked.

There are two reasons why men do this:

One is that they’re emotionally unavailable and trying to fill a void. Men who are insecure and trying to fill voids are always moving at a faster pace.

The second reason is to avoid the risk of over-investing in a woman who either won’t give him the “rewards” for investing or for a woman he doesn’t see long-term.

It’s a common strategy between the sexes that men will want to speed up the courting stage until they get to the “after sex” stage, and then slow it down, while women want to slow down the courting stage and speed up the “after sex” stage, and rush to a relationship.

Humans will always rush through the stage when they have the disadvantage/lack of power and slow down during the stage where they have the advantage/power.

This is why one of the strategies I tell women to implement is to play a slower game and watch for a man to invest consistently. Any man can play the game for several weeks. But it gets more challenging for a man to play it consistently over time.

On average, I see emotionally unavailable men flip around the 5–6 week mark because context is starting to build up and things are feeling serious. Men can invest up until then. So take everything he does and says with a grain of salt and look for men who invest in you no matter the week or month.

It’s crazy how fast men flip, and you have to consider if he ever liked you in the first place.

Step Four: How are the ratios of going out and staying in looking?

Like I hinted at when discussing why my process works, I know men love taking shortcuts and cutting corners. It’s not a male thing. It’s a human thing. We want to save on resources. It’s programmed in us from a survival and evolutionary perspective.

Consider two scenarios: In one timeline, you have a man who takes you out, courts you, treats you well, and then takes you home and hooks up with you. In another timeline, you have that same man take you out once, and then on the next date, ask you to come over, and you two eventually hook up.

Who is more efficient here?

Obviously, without overthinking it, the guy in the second timeline who invited you over is more efficient. He got the same result by doing less. This is a man’s dream, which is why it’s so essential for a woman to have structure and be courted.

If you have men who are cutting corners, succeeding at doing so, and you find yourself in a pickle now that you don’t know what to do, you probably have a guy who is either:

  • Not taking you seriously
  • Taking you for granted
  • Not wanting a relationship

To be clear: a man can cut corners and still want a relationship. However, it’s not a good sign he is cutting corners. As I said, it’s in our nature, so don’t automatically cut him out. But the way I look at it is:

Suppose you have a guy living the good life in this situationship where he’s cutting corners, getting the benefits, and not having to pay the cost of investment of an actual relationship. Why would he ever be in a relationship? What advantage does he gain that he’s not getting right now?

This is a question many of my clients can’t answer and then they wonder why they’re in the situation they’re in. If the ratios benefit them, you’re staying in and hooking up much more than him courting you, someone has to pay that cost. Usually, that’s the woman.

This is a crucial step to understand as it layers well with the rest: Men who want relationships tend to invest consistently and take the woman off the market. There is nothing wrong with staying in and hooking up. But unless you feel like a couple doing so, he needs to continue taking you out and take you off the market.

If you want actual numbers, it depends on where you are in the situationship to figure out the ratios.

It’s the first 3 weeks of dating, and let’s say you have 4–5 interactions, the first 3–4 need to be dates, so 75/25. After you reach around the halfway point (5–6 weeks), you can be 50/50. After that, I feel it’s okay to be 60/40, as in staying in versus going out.

After hooking up and going out enough, I feel it’s better to stay in slightly more than going out. That’s essentially staying in twice every time you two go out, which in my opinion, is more reasonable and sustainable. If you’re not comfortable with this, that is completely fine. You can have a guy take you out much more if you like. I am just emphasizing in this step that:

  • Don’t ever let it be utterly one-sided in terms of staying in
  • The beginning should be him courting you and taking you out
  • He has to EARN the reward of staying in
  • Please don’t sleep with him before five dates.

Step Five: Have “the talk” at eight weeks

Women don’t like it when I say this or don’t believe me, but it’s true:

Men know after the first date what category you’re in. The rest of the time is him just reaping benefits, enjoying your company, and playing things out.

Yes, that’s right! Men know already what category you’re in. Can you change categories? Sure, but it’s unlikely. The reason for this is that many of the things men look for are found on their first or second date. Those things include:

  • looks
  • personality/humor
  • Interest
  • chemistry

Men are that simple. That’s all men look for in the beginning. Of course, there are layers and depth to this, but for the most part, this is what a man is looking for and finds it out very early on. The other 7 weeks are a man just going with the flow and waiting patiently so he doesn’t make a hasty or impulsive decision.

The reason I am telling you this is you must talk about transitioning towards a relationship at 8 weeks if you’re still talking within a sitautionship. If you don’t, you’re going to get taken advantage of.

If you’re not in a relationship after two months, the odds of you getting into a healthy relationship at three months decrease, and it starts to decrease as time goes on.

For those who think I am crazy for saying this, look at it from a male advantageous standpoint:

Wouldn’t it be wise to take you off the market if I like you? Like, we’ve been talking for 2 months right? Things are going well, we’ve been consistent, we’re acting like a couple and like each other. What’s the problem? If anything, keeping you on the market is more risky because that’s the only way I lose you to competition.

What many women fail to realize is that if a man isn’t thinking this and he’s keeping you on the market, it’s for several reasons:

  • He’s unsure about you. If a guy is uncertain after two months, you might as well walk away.
  • He’s not afraid of losing you. That means you did so much to convince him you’re not going anywhere that he doesn’t have to decide.
  • He’s not afraid of the competition. Like the previous point, you showed him so much interest that he knows you’re not talking to anyone else, so he doesn’t have to worry about taking you off the market.

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