Posts Tagged → value

Why If You’re Always Available, You’ll Become Forgettable To Him

“In his brain, availability is not love — it’s predictability. And predictability kills chase.”

Have you ever wondered why he starts to change once you show interest, let a guy in, or match his energy?

He was chasing you, saying he wanted to see you, and blowing up your phone. Now he’s chilling, leaning back, and you must initiate to see him. 

What gives? Why is this happening?

There is a reason for this, and we will discuss it in this article.

First, if you haven’t got my free ebook on how to raise your value in the dating market, click here, and I will send it to you.

Let’s dive in.

The Dopamine-Chase Loop

Have you ever played your favorite song on repeat only for it to lose its spark and reason you loved it so much in the first place? If so, being too available has the same effect regarding dating.

Mother Nature has a fantastic way to get us to chase our ultimate goal of survival and reproduction. Why do you think hormones like dopamine and cortisol are a thing? One drives us towards things, and the other drives us away from danger/threats.

For a man to feel high amounts of dopamine when courting and chasing a woman, he has to feel two things:

  • The reward is worth it (meaning getting you and investing is worth the cost).
  • He has to feel progression towards that goal. He has to feel the uncertainty because he doesn’t have you, but still feels he’s making progress.

While humans love reaching the goal, whether buying a home, making a certain income yearly, reaching a certain bodyweight, and so on, we always default back to normal. It doesn’t last forever. Why is that?

Because dopamine creates a moment, a feeling, and an experience, it’s not supposed to flood your body 24/7.

That’s why a dopamine-chase loop has to happen for us to be happy:

What does this mean when a man is chasing you? Well, you should always reward a guy. At the end of the day we’re not trying to play games. It’s supposed to look something like:

  • He desires you.
  • He courts you.
  • You got out with him.
  • You let time go by.
  • Repeat

The goal with all this is not to be predictable. That’s all. I don’t want you playing games. Just don’t be predictable because the uncertainty triggers the chase. The best way to put it is playful cat and mouse.

I guess a more playful way to look at it is:

  • He desires you.
  • He courts you.
  • You PLAYFULLY do some cat and mouse.
  • You go out with him.
  • You let time go by.
  • Repeat.

Playful cat and mouse is the following:

  • Always replying to his text but you don’t have to get back to him right away.
  • He should be initiating 70% while you should be 30%.
  • If you’re truly busy on a day, he suggests seeing you, so raincheck him and plan another day.

Again, the goal is playful unpredictability. If I can reach out and see you whenever I want, trust me, I naturally take you for granted. The chase isn’t there anymore. You’re my favorite song I played on repeat 100 times. 

If you want to ensure you’re so fun and awesome that he needs you in his life, check out this article.

Men Are Designed To Chase

Men are designed to bond after a chase. Not be constantly rewarded.

If a man wants a woman short-term or doesn’t see much value in investing in her, he won’t want to chase her. He would rather she just go with the flow and give him what he wants.

**If you want to know three reasons men commit to you long-term despite Mother Nature making us non-monogamous, click here.**

You’re not that type of woman though. We want men to invest and chase. We want to create some thrill.

Men are designed to chase and conquer, whether it’s resources, food, or other women. It’s deeply rooted in our DNA. A woman who makes it too easy is easily forgotten. She gets breadcrumbed in the long run.

A man should chase you, win you over, take you out on a date, he should be rewarded, and the cycle should repeat. That way, both parties are happy and their primal drivers are being met:

  • Your needs are being met because you’re being courted, valued, chased, and invested in. This is a great sign in evolutionary psychology because women want to reduce risk in choosing a bad mate.
  • His needs are being met because he’s constantly being validated in winning you over, fulfilling his desire to chase, and be rewarded for it in such a way that’s fair to him yet unpredictable.

The only thing I worry is that women take what I am saying the wrong way or do the wrong thing and think that a man must constantly court them and she’s going to play hard to get. 

No.

A man doesn’t want to work for something repeatedly, especially something he has already won. He shouldn’t get it as easily as ordering some food on DoorDash or Uber Eats. It shouldn’t be as easy as clicking a video on YouTube or Netflix. 

I guess “easy” is the wrong word because I don’t want you to make it hard. Just unpredictable. The goal is not to be taken for granted. That doesn’t mean hold out on sex, say no to a date, or leave him on “read.” Just don’t be a doormat and drop everything.

I know that while writing this article, I will get some pushback. For all the people who say this is pseudo-science, a fear tactic, and there is no need for these games, let me ask you something:

Why do you take things of even more value for granted? You take food, water, shelter, life, time, friends, family, the air you breathe, and the country you live in for granted.

It’s human nature. Our brain stores it into “autopilot mode,” where it doesn’t have to think about what to do or alter a plan to get to the destination because it has been done so many times. Just like you can daydream while driving and still get to your destination. 

I am not saying you have to do this forever. Once you’re in a relationship it should change. Until then, you need to be courted and it should be consistently.

A 3-Step Framework To Becoming A High-Value Woman In Dating

“To the right man, a high-value woman is a challenge, a reward, and a worthy investment worth making.”

Value is the single most crucial factor on the dating market. The problem is that women perceive value differently from men. Women THINK they know what men want and then focus on being high value based on what they want, will tolerate, and so on.

That’s the worst way to go about building value in dating. The best way to create value is the following:

While this isn’t an article on knowing what men want, you can find all that information in this nine-part series guide here.

Am I going to get a lot of pushback in this article? Maybe. Just know nothing is personal and I have your best interests in mind. It’s all from an evolutionary psychology perspective.

Value Isn’t Something You Switch On and Off

While I NEVER want to tell a woman what to do with her body, to ignore consequences and expect men to fall in line is delusional. 

Value is not something you turn on and off based on your needs and wants. It’s something you are based on what you provide and how men percieve it in the SMP. This goes both ways.

By definition, you cannot be valuable if no one values it. Only in rare and objective cases such as a cure for a disease that we don’t know about does this matter. 

Let me give you a controversial example of what I mean:

I know many women over the years who will have a FWB, fling, or even make the mistake of sleeping with a guy early on. She will say I don’t have feelings for this guy, cravings that need to be met, and wants to have a little fun. She sleeps with a guy. 

Then another guy comes along that she likes and sees a potential relationship with. All of a sudden she makes this guy work, invest, take her out, and holds out on sex. 

Wait what? Sorry, that’s not how it works. If you’re selfish, sure. But not for the best of both parties.

Let me tell you something you’re not going to like: If any man finds out that you’re easy sometimes but not all the time, he’s never going to invest in you long-term. It doesn’t make logical sense. Men will think:

So you’re telling me because you like me more and I am more of a potential partner that I have to invest and prove myself more than guys who are half my caliber? Yeah, no sorry.

I am not saying you can’t have fun. I am not saying you can’t slip up. But if a man finds out you have many partners and not many long-term relationships, it won’t go well.

What women don’t understand is value is a two way street. We perceive your value, you uphold it.

Meaning, you don’t get to tell us what we perceive as valuable. When we see value, we invest in it. It’s your job to ensure you get the most out of it by upholding your value.

Value is a mindset first. You must have prize mentality. It should always be turned on. 

You Understand The Give And Take Dynamic

The best negotiators aren’t people who get the most bang for the buck in a negotiation, it’s the people who negotiate where everyone can win.

The biggest problem (from both sides) I see in dating is a very intrinsic, self-centered view on dating. You will only win in dating when both sides are happy with what they’re getting.

I love how men think a couple of dates make him a candidate for sleeping together, and I love when women think the average man is down for building chemistry for 2 months and a relationship in order to sleep with him.

Can this happen for either party? Of course, we see it all the time, but it’s still uncommon. This is due to our duty to avoid-risk.

Men don’t want to go all in with women they haven’t had an intimate relationship with. Men know women are completely different before, during, and after sex. At the same time, I understand women not wanting to sleep with a man prior to a relationship in case that’s all he was after.

Obviously communication is key but difficult to get consistently and to the level that makes you feel comfortable. I am not saying you have to sleep with a man to get a relationship and I am not saying men have to invest heavy every single time he finds a woman attractive. There is a middle ground set by you two and a certain amount of trust you have.

I tell my clients all the time there four categories that we have to progress evenly for both parties to be happy:

  • Consistency
  • Touch
  • Logistics
  • Conversation

If they’re not all progressing, there is a chance conflict may occur. Here is a sample of what I mean:

Everyone will be happy if you’re progressing the relationship and communicating. Again, value is based on what people want and desire, not what you think you’re worth. That’s upholding the value. 

You’re Not For Everyone. You’re For Someone

Let me give you a valuable piece of advice in dating:

Niche down for an ideal guy and niche down your criteria so you’re looking for a perfect guy. Then expand from there if you need to.

Let me explain.

I have so many women who come to me and say, “Me and Johnny have such amazing chemistry and the sex is great. I know he finds me attractive and we can talk for hours. I don’t know what the problem is.”

The problem is that what you and Jonny have is what he has with every woman. Attractiveness and chemistry are prerequisites. They’re mandatory for any two people talking. You have to have more.

Men are looking for that X factor. That thing that makes you stick out from the rest. You want the perfect guy and he’s looking for the perfect girl. That is someone who fits each other’s lifestyle, personality, values, long-term goals, balances out each other’s traits (for example, he’s always anxious but you’re level-headed), and so on.

Men are looking for five things in a woman:

  • Attractivess
  • The best option he can get
  • Lots of assets with minimal liabilities
  • His life is better with you in it than without 
  • You make him want to be a better person

As soon as men find that, they’re going to commit. To start this, you must be part of a person’s tribe. If you want to learn exactly what men want, please check out this guide here.

But to keep it simple:

A tribe is a group of people that have the same common sense of belonging to a particular group whether that’s truth passion, mindset, values, and so on.

For example:

  • People who want to raise their kids and household with the same values in mind.
  • Nerds who are introverted and love video games and anime.
  • Both of you love to travel and explore the world not because it’s fun but it’s a deep philosophical reason that gives you meaning and purpose. As if the meaning of life is to explore and experience life itself.

Agian, I go into much more detail on how to be that perfect person for someone in my guide here. It’s too complex of a concept to put in a single article.

The more you’re part of a person’s tribe with traits he desires, the more your value in the dating market will rise. You want to be the perfect person for someone, not everyone. By doing this, you can ask for a lot more from someone because he is willing to invest and see you in the long term. Someone like you would be hard to come by again.