“Men aren’t naturally monogamous — but they are strategic. Commitment happens when what you have outweighs the thrill of variety.”

Dating can seem impossible today. You may feel men want to play games and never commit. Yet, men are committing.

Why? What triggers a man to settle down instead of chasing women and constantly feeding those dopamine hits? 

It’s simpler than you think. 

In this article, I will explain men’s logical approach to dating and what makes them commit.

The Equation Of High-Value

When I talk to many clients, I tell them that attraction has layers. The more layers you’re able to cover, the stronger his feelings are going to be.

To simplify it, I put all things attraction into two categories:

• Evolutionary desires (ED)
• Personal desires (PD)

Evolutionary desires would be things deeply ingrained in us by Mother Nature that create a drive to seek out a partner for reproductive purposes. This would include things like:

• Youth
• Symmetry
• Health
• Overall attractiveness 
• Childbearing cues (breast, hips, curves, ratios etc)
• High value status
• Loyalty
• Tone/voice
• Body language
• Many other things.

When the male brain sees these traits, it focuses in and seeks out validation from that woman. But all women (to some extent) have this. So what makes a woman stand out even more? What makes a man sure he’s choosing the right woman.

That’s where personal desires come in. These traits are like icing on the cake. It’s things he likes and prefers. To go even further, consider it a way to show evolutionary desires more personally. For example, we know a man likes attractiveness (ED), but to him, that may be a woman with brown hair who is short (PD). That’s his personal (PD) view on attractiveness (ED).

Some PD include:

• The tribe you’re in. More on this in this guide if you’re interested.
• Personality
• Humor
• Style
• Morals
• Values
• Belief system/mindset
• The group you hang out in
• Career choice
• Passions
• Many more

to keep this easy and sum it up, I will put all ED under “reproduction” and all PD under “Tribe.” That said, a man needs loyalty because he doesn’t want to invest in something he can lose. If we take all this, we can make a simple equation:

The more of these things someone has, the rarer and valuable they are on the market. Commitment will follow if you can find a man who aligns with you on many of these things and vice versa.

His Blueprint And The Reality Check

This goes with the above point: 

While men want something of value and rare, they also want someone to help get them where they want to go, or at least, be part of the plan. 

This is what I call the “Blueprint Versus Reality” concept:

Imagine you’re on your way to a first date with John. You liked talking to him on the phone during your several calls; you think he’s handsome and is looking for a relationship. You have this gameplan in your head on how you’d like things to go: “We’re going to meet, have a great time, laugh a lot, flirt, feel the amazing chemistry, and if he’s lucky he will get a kiss at the end and hopefully plan the second date.” Unfortunately, while daydreaming, you hit a pothole and popped a tire. You’re 15 minutes away and will be extremely late as you don’t have a spare tire. You call John and tell him and he understands but cancels the date and says we will meet up another time. Over the next week, you don’t hear much from John and start feeling him pulling back. You go out one day for lunch with a friend and you see John talking to another girl. You’re Devastated. 

Your “Blueprint” in this scenario is how you wanted things to play out with John. The reality is what you got (the unfortunate flat tire). 

The further our Blueprint (where we want to be) is from our reality (where we are), the more stress and pain we tend to feel.

Men already have this blueprint of their lives and want a woman to fit into it. He’s looking for the right woman who:

• Compliments his lifestyle
• Makes his life easier
• Is a good de-stresser
• Makes him happy
• Satisfies his needs
• Is an asset, not a liability

Both men and women do this subconsciously. Men do it more in terms of lifestyle, where they have this goal in life and then find a woman who fits it, where women (while also having a goal of course) focus more on a man and build a life from there. 

Men are always on the search for that “missing puzzle piece.”

Nurturing (And Motherly Traits)

From an evolutionary standpoint, men are wired to seek traits that increase their and their offspring’s chances of survival. And what signals that better than almost anything?

A nurturing, motherly woman.

“Survival” has a different meaning today than it did for our ancestors but it still comes from the same instinctive drive for safety and security. 

Back then, safety and security was having food, water, shelter, your health, and being part of a tribe. That is abundant in today’s world. That’s why we take it step further and go for things like comfort, convenience, saving resources, etc.

When you have a woman who can give you comfort and stability emotionally through nurturing traits, that’s a woman to keep.

Today, too many men and women have egos. People argue to win and not listen. People try to cut you deep to hurt you. When a man sees a woman do that, he can never commit to her long-term. It’s too much risk.

Men are looking for women who have:

• Empathy
• Gentleness
• Patience
• Affection
• Emotional supportiveness
• Attentiveness
• Submissiveness (in the healthy sense)
• Encouragement
• Nurturing through acts of service
• Consistency

This means, so far, if you were a woman who fulfills his evolutionary and personal desires, you fit into his lifestyle like the missing puzzle piece. You’re nurturing, you’re an extremely high-value woman.

No, you don’t have to have all of these, I am just making a list of things for each category.

Putting It Together: The Risk Of Loss

“Men don’t commit to women, they commit to bundles and good marketing.”

While this is not the sexiest quote, it’s a powerful one. Men never commit to one or two traits of a woman. They commit to the bundle of traits she has.

I call it a bundle because, if we’re being honest, humans are more complex than we can ever imagine, and not all bundles are purely good or bad. Instead, men take the good with the bad.

There is a concept called the “Margin of error,” which means we are willing to take X bad traits because Y traits are so good. It’s an overall net gain.

I am sure you felt this before, when you were talking to a man, and despite him not being the best at opening up and talking about his feelings, you saw that he was a great listener and communicator. 

All humans do this. We have to do this because no one is perfect. Therefore, men pick an amazing marketed bundle (how you carry yourself regarding confidence, looks, style, mannerisms, reactions, etc).

Because we are naturally risk-avoidant, a man doesn’t want to risk losing this bundle since he likes her and feels they’d be a good match. If he keeps you on the market, there are several reasons for this:

• He’s unsure about you
• He doesn’t want a relationship
• He feels he has you and doesn’t need to commit

But men who want a relationship and women who fulfill what I listed out here usually get into relationships quickly. The whole game is a risk:

If a man doesn’t want a relationship, he will feel the risk of committing to you and breaking it off completely (because you still have assets he wants) so he will buy time and try not to put a label on it. That way he can avoid risk by having his cake and eating it too. When a man wants a relationship, he feel the risk is NOT taking you off the market because the longer you’re on there, the more options are available to you.

I know none of this sounds sexy. Even sexist to some extent (despite both men and women doing this and it’s not sex dependent, I understand), but you can’t argue with psychology. This is how many humans think on a subconscious level. 

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